Grandad Jokes, Batch #2

51

The new Fox game show --

Republican Limbo:

How low can the Barr go?

52

Trump's Oath of Office --

I will faithfully execute the Office of President,

by firing squad,

and will preserve, protect and defend

the Constipation of the United States.

53

Trump should form a band of brothers.

His cheerleaders would be strumpettes.

And he could play the dumbs.

54

Trump is extremely reliable --

he can lie over and over again.

55

Satan's construction crews

are working overtime

to dig deeper circles of Hell

in preparation for Trump's arrival.

56

Trump has decided to build the wall

in New York

instead of at the Mexican border.

He'll call it "Wall Street."

57

Trump's reconstituted constitution:

In order to form a more perfect onion,

establish just-is,

boost sales of tranquilizers,

provide for the common fence,

eliminate welfare,

and insecure liberty,

I do disdain and disestablish this constitution.

58

Why did the Trump appointee

talk to a light bulb?

So he could say,

in good conscience,

that he spoke truth to power.

59

Why does Trump talk to his pet rock?

He hopes to learn how

to fool

all of the pebbles

all of the time.

60

Why should Trump read Sartre?

For self-knowledge,

since he's an existential threat to the nation.

61

In India, Trump sang "Swami River"

and the guru replied --

"If you repent now and

devote the rest of your life to good deeds,

you may be reincarnated as a worm,

much higher than you are now."

62

Trump to Modi --

Greetings from your cousins, the Indians of America.

And congratulations on your hin do attitude and

the success of reincarnated milk.

63

Trump was thinking of building a tower in India

and making it a massive delicatessen --

the Deli of Delis in Deli.

Then he decided to buy the Taj Mahal

and turn it into a casino catering to Hindus:

"You Bet Your Life."

64

Re-choice! Re-choice! all ye de-voted!

Order a bloomberger

or a sloppy joe.

For Pete's sake,

let St. Bernie come to the rescue.

Take Amy and fire,

or pick the Great Lizzie of Oz.

No matter what, Trump will come in turd.

65

St. Patrick's Day greeting for Trump --

Bottom of the night to you.

66

Symptoms of a pandemic --

Stadiums are closed.

Theaters are closed.

Schools are closed.

Businesses are closed.

Minds are closed.

67

Trump couldn't take his own temperature.

That was far too complicated for him to understand.

So he called a temp agency.

68

A ninety-year-old man with severe depression

had a smile on his face.

"What makes you so happy today?" asked his caregiver.

"I now have a reason to live," he replied.

"I want to outlast Trump so I can spit on his grave."

69

Product idea:

Perfumes designed to make you stink,

to promote social distancing.

70

Social distancing, the eleventh commandment --

Thou shalt not covid thy neighbor.

71

She told her Dad,

“I’m getting used to virtual presence,

but please make sure Santa knows

that for Christmas I’ll need

real presents.”

72

Future sex in the new normal --

Participants wear full-body transparent condoms

and practice touch-sensitive total intimacy

without direct contact.

We have so much to look forward to.

73

Having teleported to the 21st century,

Stanley looked for Livingstone online.

And when he found him, he greeted him,

"Livingstone, I Zoom."

74

I finally got

disposable gloves and

disposable masks.

Now I need to get disposable income.

75

Trump's goal in life --

to leave the world a bitter place.

75

Donny has great presidents of mind.

Not constrained by common sense,

he thinks outside the box.

Hence his slogan,

"The box stops here."

76

How do oysters and clams combat

the spread of coronavirus?

Sea shell distancing.

77

Latest poll --

100% of Trump supporters

who died of coronavirus

don't plan to vote for him in November.

78

Words needed to write about our pandemic experience.

"Lockation" where you will be for the duration.

"Lockmate" your partner for the duration.

79

The nation's monetary policy

should not be determined solely by the Fed.

The UnFed and the FedUp also deserve a voice.

80

Trump and Barr believe in

the Tool of Law --

using the law as a weapon

against their enemies.

81

Trump's NDAs

are part of his

don't mask

don't tell

policy.

82

There is no need for Tulsa attendees

to sign waivers asserting that they will not hold

the Trump campaign responsible

for anyone catching the virus at the rally.

By precedent, Trump has established that

he is totally irresponsible.

83

White lies matter.

84

Daily reminders for life under a Trump dictatorship:

Monday wash the clothes

Tuesday launder the money

Wednesday wash the brain.

85

Recommended therapy for acute trumpitis.

Imagine a demented old man

with no knowledge of government

is president.

He's a megalomaniac who thinks he's above the law

and will do anything for personal power and profit.

Then imagine you wake up,

and the nightmare is over.

86

Trump is blatantly trying to rig the election.

That's evidence that he is dead

and rigger mortis is setting in.

87

Product idea --

pinatas that are effigies of Trump,

with voodoo instructions.

88

Joyce prophesied Trump,

Finnegan's Wake p. 177

"But would anyone, short of a madhouse, believe it?

Neither of those clean little cherubim,

Nero or Nobookisonester himself,

ever nursed such a spoiled opinion of his monstrous marvellosity

as did this mental and moral defective..."

89

A nunnery is a habitat.

A strip club is an uninhibited habitat.

The Trump White House is a habitat for inhumanity.

90

Trump's new home-made cure for covid --

Put the lie in the coconut and shake it all up.

91

The Supreme Court should remove

Trump from office

on the grounds that his presidency

is cruel and unusual punishment

for everyone else.

92

Trump isn't responsible for anything.

He is reprehensible for everything.

93

Trump is getting back in the beauty contest business.

This time he's a participant,

with a good chance of winning the title of

Miss Information.

94

On the plus side,

this is happening in the days of cellphone videos

so we can watch it

screaming over the Internet.

95

Row row row the bots

I think I'm going to scream

Merrily merrily merrily

I wish this were a dream.

96

Ruth Bader Ginsburg --

I hope she does not rest in peace,

but rather that she haunts the White House

until democracy is restored.

97

Sadly,

the Supreme Court

is now

Ruthless.

98

In a sane world,

in a democratic nation,

justice

just is.

99

Trump's behavior is unpresidented.

No president would behave that way.

100

Don't despair.

Remember --

faith, hope, and charity

abiden.

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