Grandad Jokes, Batch #1

1

Why did Donald Trump hire a veterinarian?

He had to pick a cabinet and needed to vet them.

2

Title for a love story about Trump and Stormy Daniels -

Terms of Impeachment

3

Trump motto:

You don't need to be above reproach

if you are above the law.

4

The world contract bridge association changed its rules

so no would have to say "Trump".

Now they say "treason" instead.

5

The latest news from the Mars InSight --

The only feature on Earth big enough to be seen from Mars

is Trump's ego.

6

Trump talking to his minions about Cohen --

"Don't trust that guy.

He has no loyalty.

He would turn on a dime."

7

Trump was guilty of so many crimes

that the judge combined his sentences into paragraphs,

and paragraphs into chapters,

and threw the book at him.

8

Wagner's prophetic opera -

The Fall of the House of Trump

or Gutterdammerung

9

Trump's prayer:

Now I lie me,

I pray the Lord my tweets to keep.

10

A drunken Trump, driving down a highway at night, lost control.

His car left the roadway and rolled over and over down the hillside.

When police and ambulance got to him, he kept muttering,

"No collision. There was no collision."

11

Trump believes in checks and balances --

writing and cashing checks

and increasing his bank balance.

12

When Trump wakes up in the morning he reads the noose.

Whether it's good noose or fake noose,

he knows it's his noose --

sooner or later he'll get the hang of it.

13

Of course Trump has the backing of religious conservatives.

He's a porn-again Christian.

14

Trump's Oaf of Office --

I, Donald Trump, in order to form a more perfect fortune,

solemnly promise never to reveal my tax returns.

15

Why didn't Trump drain the swamp?

He wanted to protect the wetlands

to save jailbirds from extinction.

16

Trump has single-handedly taken us

from the Bronze Age

to the Age of Irony.

17

When Trump ceremoniously approaches the podium

the dumb-roll begins.

18

When Trump is finally convicted and jailed

his loyal base will chant:

"Free Dumb!"

19

Trump is a grammatical mistake --

he doesn't agree with himself.

20

Title of Trump's autobiography

The Followship of the Felon.

21

Rumor has it that the NY Times

is going to change its name

to acknowledge the curse we live under --

The Interesting Times.

22

Lindsey Graham,

a technological wonder --

a living breathing

hollow gram.

23

I'm imagining a portrait of an old lady in a rocking chair,

with the caption --

Whistleblower's Mother.

24

Trump's favorite novel,

the international best seller --

The Bribe Price.

25

Historians will refer to this period of American History

as the Muddle Ages

26

Shakespeare reporting on impeachment hearings:

"A quid pro quo by any other name would stink as bad."

"Did you dance with the bribe-to-be?"

"Out! Out! Damned ambassador!"

"Friends, Ukrainians, lend me your favors, though."

27

Thanks to Trump,

the bald-faced liar

is now the national emblem.

28

Trump is hoping to become a lie-down comedian

when he retires from politics.

In preparation, he's practicing his lies

and getting laughed at all over the world.

29

McConnell, Graham, Kennedy, Nunes, Jordan

all belong to the

follow wing

of the Republican Party.

But it's hard to fly with only one wing.

30

When Melania gave Donnie a book for Christmas,

he put it in the oven.

He explained,

"I cook all my books."

31

When Trump Enterprises goes public

it will be known as

the Laughing Stock.

32

Trump complained that the

Playboy models were fully clothed --

more fake nudes.

33

Trump acts like

he got the 10 Commandments

straight from God,

as his personal to-do list.

34

The Donny Award

for best performance in a lie

goes to The Three Amigos.

Written by Putin.

Directed by Trump.

And with a cast of aspersions.

35

News flash --

Trump, appearing in public without his toupee,

claims he is above the law as an endangered species,

and as the symbol of the United States --

the Bald Ego.

36

Thanks to advancing technology,

I can now get the news immediately,

and watch it screaming.

37

What is the bridge player's favorite bid?

For No Trump

38

Trump has applied for membership in the American Medical Association

on the grounds that he is

a hypocritical oaf.

39

Trump built a tower on Fifth Avenue

so he could plead the Fifth.

40

Trump is a constitutional expert --

He takes a constitutional every morning.

41

The uniforms for Trump's Space Force are jungle camouflage,

so they'll blend in with the plants on the other plantets of the solar system.

42

Third article of impeachment --

Trump is an enema of the people.

43

Instead of a sitting president,

we need one that's upstanding,

and precedential.

44

When Trumpity Dumpity sat on a wall

and Trumpity Dumpity had a great fall,

why couldn't all the king's lawyers

and all the king's eunuchs

put him together again?

He wasn't a king.

45

Putin has finally confessed --

mea culpa

crime mea.

46

Trump's effort to divide the nation will fail --

He is a total nothing, a zero;

and you cannot divide by zero.

47

The enthusiastic fans yelled --

"Give them hell!"

Unfortunately, God was listening,

and took them literally,

giving them Donald Trump.

48

Trump's alternative to healthcare for all --

wealthcare and the wall.

49

Why would Trump never move to the Midwest?

For fear that he would be known as

The Little Louse on the Prairie.

50

Trump gets invited to many weddings

as father of the bribe.

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