Go Away, I Don't Wanna Be Alone

Everyone always ends up leaving

You can give and care and love and risk your life for someone, and they’ll still bring you back from the dead just so they can have the satisfaction of stabbing you in the back.

I know. I’ve been through it.

Before you ask, no I’m NOT dead- YET. But if I keep doing this to myself, I will be soon.

You’d think I’d have learned by now, not to let my guard down, not to have love for anybody, or believe it when they say they love me or that anyone would ever stay with me. But I just can’t help it- I’m an optimist by design. A stupid, over trusting, heartbroken optimist that sees the good in people even when it’s never there.

Which begs the question- does that make me better or worse than them? I mean, MY flaws are that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make people happy, pushing my boundaries and ignoring my better judgment for the people I love, no matter how long I’ve known them for, while others see this and pounce like a lion on a gazelle, taking advantage of my hospitality and good nature, and then tossing me to the side when they’re bored! Hearing all of that, you’d think I should end up as the hero,,,But, clearly the universe doesn't think so. Since here I am, once again, suffering the pain of giving out to someone who didn’t give a shit about me, while they’re presumably happy doing God-knows-what, as if I didn’t even exist! As if MY pain meant nothing!

Because of COURSE that’s what’s happening. Of COURSE my pain meant nothing to anyone- it never did! My family made it VERY clear from a young age that the youngest in a family of five STAYED QUIET. It didn’t matter if I was hungry, or if my goddamn head was on fire, if I needed to speak, it better be when everyone, and I mean EVERYONE was ready to listen! God forbid MY needs are ever met before someone else is ready, right!?!

I don’t even bother to say if something’s wrong anymore- what’s the point, right!?! No one cares NO ONE”S GONNA LISTEN! NO ONE CARES!!!

…But they still act like they do. And what’s worse, is that I still fall for it. We hold each other and whisper sweet nothings and act as if they’re real. Telling me they’ll always be there for me. And I say it too. But clearly, only one of us means it.

Only one of us keeps their calls open 24/7 up on-ends at night in case something goes wrong, always nearby, calling and checking to see if something happens. And it’s like the closer I get, the further they stray away from me. Why would you wanna be this far apart!?! If we’re together nothing’s wrong, if I can see you, I know you’re okay, and you know I am too!

But no one’s here. No one can see that I’m not okay, no one’s aware of how much I’m breaking, how much pain I’m in because of them!

And there’s NEVER a good reason. They say they’re scared of me or feel uncomfortable, but I don’t know how I’ve given them EVERY single opportunity to feel safe and loved, but they treat me like a creepy stranger. They can make up flaws and problems that they think I have, but NEVER want to even try and realize what they’re doing wrong.

EVERY.

SINGLE.

ONE of them walked out on me! Anyone I care for I can see from a mile away, they’re JUST like my family! And every single time, they prove it, when I wake up to another morning and remember that they’re gone! And I’m alone again because of them!

At this point, I can only blame myself. Because I know what’s gonna happen. At this point, I don’t even wanna hear the lies anymore, or feel the closeness. It’s not worth it! All I can do is just sit back and watch as everyone walks out on me- like they always have.