Get to Know Me

Everyone prepared a speech for school today, and it was my turn to read mine.

“Hello, my name is Joe.

It’s the second day of the fifth grade, and we’re all supposed to share something about ourselves.

At least that’s what Mrs. Gasket says.

Thank you for chuckling.

First, here are my interests and hobbies.

I enjoy everything from painting to playing sports and reading books. I’ve studied every animal and every disease.

Next are my personal values.

I value honesty and kindness. I know most of you like to lie and be mean, and I only say this to be honest. But I’m also a kind person, and think deep down, so are all of you. If you decide to be nice and be my friend, this could reveal a lot about your character and what you prioritize in life. Being a decent human being should be everyone’s priority. Dont be smug, give a hug.

Next, I’d like to discuss my background and cultural heritage. My great great grandparents immigrated here from Italy and Russia. The food is good there. Their religions were mixed, but they all got along.

Next up, it’s my favorite book, movie, and song.

My favorite book is the Count of Monte Cristo, where the main character gets revenge. My favorite movie is Kill Bill, parts one and two, despite being an adult movie, I watched it anyway. It became a favorite because she gets revenge. My favorite song, you guessed it, My Way, by Frank Sinatra. Why, because I like things my way.

I’m almost done sharing. It’s time for my travel experiences. My parents have taken me all over the world. Most recently, they’ve taken me to Thailand, where I brought back a couple spider monkeys. Everyone will get a chance to hold them, they love people.”

I took the curtain off the cage to loud ohs and awes from the other children.

Now they were being nice. To little, to late.

“Next are my dreams and aspirations. I dream of a world that’s bully free. I dream of a world where spoiled brats and bullies like you guys don’t exist. I dream of a world where treacherous teachers understand all kids are different, and that’s ok. And I can tell the teacher I’m being bullied and they’ll expel the bully instead of saying ‘No witness, no crime. Now go sit down.’ Those monkeys had zoonotic diseases. And lethal ones. In the next ten seconds, you will all start coughing up blood. In the next minute, you’ll all be dead. So just relax, enjoy the ride, and try apologizing to me for the antidote,” I said and smiled.

Too late, though, because by the time my speech was over, they were all dead except the teacher, who tried to call the police but her mouth was to full of blood to talk.

“You’ll…. go to jail,” Mrs. Gasket coughed.

“So sorry, Mrs. Gasket. Like you always say, no witness, no crime,” I said.