Frozen Memory

Lacey’s feet recalled the sensation of gliding as she walked briskly past other students, through halls lined with artificial lights and walls the same color as manila folders. The space around Lacey widened substantially as she entered the lunchroom, but the air around her turned muggy. Large fans placed strategically throughout the space seemed to do little to cool the air. Lacey knew she and her friend Grace would have to eat in the courtyard again.

Lacey’s neck and back were damp with sweat when she stepped out of the lunch line. She hurried through the glass double doors that led out to the court yard. She made her way to a stone table and sat down. She was grateful for the cool breeze in her face, but still longed for the deep chill and biting wind of a Maine winter.

Lacey keenly recalled the crisp, sweet chill that had kissed her cheeks as she wobbled over the ice of Goddard’s Pond for the first time when she was five. Her dad had firmly guided her across the ice and encouraged her with phrases like “it’s ok” and “you got it”. It had taken her more practice the following year before Lacey felt confident enough to skate unassisted. But her dad remained close by her side and encouraged her.

Lacey’s early childhood was filled with such moments. Her mind wandered to a time when she had waddled through a front yard full of fresh snow and hunted for stick arms. Her dad, meanwhile, had rolled some snow into three small boulders and neatly stacked them on top of one another. Electricity tingled in Lacey’s gut. Not long now, Lacey thought, only another week before I see my dad and my old home again.

“Hey Lacey!” a female voice shook Lacey from her reverie. Lacey looked up and was greeted by Grace’s chocolate brown eyes, frizzy brown hair and wide smile.

“Hey Grace.” Lacey and Grace had been friends since they discovered they shared classes as freshmen and started sitting together during their lunch period. Now, as seniors, they still sat together at lunch and also regularly visited each other to study or just hung out. Once graduated, Grace had planned to go to the University of Florida the following fall term and was trying to coax Lacey to apply there. Lacey was looking at places further north to be closer to her dad.

“Thinking about your trip?” Grace asked and sat down, “bet you’re excited to get away from here for a while.”

“Yeah, I am,” Lacey answered with a grin.

“When did you last see your dad?” Grace picked up her sandwich and took a bite.

“About seven years ago, just after he married Beatrice.” That had been not long after Lacey’s parents finalized their divorce. As a precocious ten year old, Lacey had been ecstatic to see her dad again and her dad seemed happy to have her back. Nevertheless, Lacey’s trips up to Maine in subsequent years had ceased. Phone calls and texts had become increasingly infrequent until two months ago, when Lacey’s father invited her up to Maine again.

“That long?” Grace raised her eyebrows and gave a puzzled frown.

“He’s been busy,” Lacey looked down at her tray and her body stiffened.

“Too busy to see his own kid for seven years?” The frown on Grace’s face deepened into a scowl. An awkward pause followed. Lacey sat expressionless. She felt something unpleasant rise from the depths of her own mind and she pushed it back down. Grace’s expression softened slightly. “You don’t want to talk about it?”

“It’s ok.” Another awkward pause followed.

“Well, at least he’s seeing you now, right?” Grace’s smile returned and Lacey’s eyes met Grace’s gaze again.

“Yeah,” Lacey nodded slowly. Anxious to change the subject, Lacey interjected, “you still heading to the mountains?”

“Yep,” Grace’s smile returned and Lacey relaxed a bit. “Me and the whole family are going to be crammed into a cabin for about a week.” Grace rolled her eyes, matching the sarcasm in her voice, “I’m just looking forward to sharing a room with my little brother.” Lacey chuckled softly. Grace’s tone suddenly shifted to more serious, “I’d invite you along if you weren’t going to see your dad.”

“Even with a cabin full of people?”

“Yeah, of course. We can squeeze in one more person. So, what’s your mom doing while you’re gone?”

“She’s going to see my maternal grandma and aunts in Orlando.”

“Is she, like, a big worrywart?”

“Nah,” Lacey was quick to answer. If her mom worried about her travelling to see her dad, she rarely showed it. Her mom wasn’t one for showing emotion and encouraged Lacey to put on a brave face during difficult times.

“That’s good. Has your dad told you what he’s planning to do once you’re up there?”

“Not really, but he tends to do things spur of the moment.” Lacey kept trying to see her father’s behavior in a positive light, despite her friend’s questions. Lacey knew Grace meant well, but she almost had a knack for spoiling a good mood with all her questions. “I’m hoping it’ll get cold enough for skating.”

Lacey glanced at her phone’s screen when it buzzed. She saw her dad had sent her a message: Hey Lacey, can you call me after school?

“Dad just texted me,” Lacey told Grace. “I guess it’s a good sign.”

“Yeah.” Grace waved her hands as if trying to clear the air. “Sorry about the questions. My birth father pretty much ignored me once he got remarried. At least yours is trying to stay in your life.”

“It’s ok,” Lacey smiled at Grace and then stood. “I should be getting to my next class. See you tomorrow.”

“See you,” Grace answered as Lacey walked away.

The rest of the afternoon at school passed uneventfully. Lacey couldn’t help but wonder what her father wanted to talk about and why he couldn’t just text or call her. By the time Lacey stepped into her bedroom, she had a strange sense of foreboding. “Probably just Grace’s questions,” Lacey muttered to herself as she set down her backpack. She checked the time on her phone, then steeled herself before she found her dad listed in her contacts and pushed the phone icon.

His phone rang twice before he answered. “Hello?” His deep and familiar voice gave her some comfort.

“Hey dad, um, you asked me to call you after school?”

“Oh yeah,” his voice lowered, which raised Lacey’s suspicions again. “Listen, I’m afraid you’re not going to be able to visit this time.”

Perplexed, Lacey softly asked, “why?” Her voice turned unnaturally high pitched.

“Well, Beatrice has already made plans for us to visit her family. I’m afraid there’s not gonna to be enough room for you to come with us.” Lacey’s body stiffened again. This was it, Lacey realized. This was what she had been dreading.

“Oh…I see,” Lacey started tentatively, unsure of what to say next. Automatically, she opted to put on a brave face, like her mom taught her. “Well, I guess it’s alright. There’s always next year.”

“Yeah, and you can always just go with your mom to see her family.”

“Yeah,” Lacey focused on maintaining a brave face as best as she could. Going with her mom wasn’t such a bad thing, she tried to tell herself. Her grandma and aunts were always happy to see her. This was not a lie, but Lacey’s mind went invariably to the obvious question; how could he change his plans so suddenly?

Before Lacey could ask, her father continued with a tone of gratitude, “I’m so glad you understand. I’ll make it up to you next year, I promise.” This should’ve made Lacey feel better, but it didn’t. “Listen kiddo, I gotta go. Beatrice needs help in the study.”

“Ok, bye dad.” Before Lacey finished, her dad had already hung up. Lacey also hung up and flung her phone to the far side of the bed.

Lacey kept sitting on the bed, frozen in place. She was still trying to make sense of the conversation she just had. ‘I’ll make it up to you next year’, his words stuck in her mind. That was exactly what he had been saying for seven years. He had months to sort things out with Beatrice. Lacey also couldn’t help but wonder what the real reason was for him having to get off the phone so quickly. It seemed to her like he didn’t want to give her time to react or didn’t care what she genuinely thought.

Lacey could feel the twin sea monsters, sadness and anger, twisting and churning within her. Once again, they threatened to surface as she realized the past few months of waiting had been for nothing. This time, she didn’t try to stop them.

Hot tears began to flow as Lacey came to more realizations. Her father didn’t actually intend to see her. He wasn’t one for using FaceTime or Skype either, so she wasn’t likely to see him face to face. She also wouldn’t see her old home anymore. Lacey felt shut out and like she had been tricked, but couldn’t figure out why. It seemed to her that unlike Grace’s dad, who ignored his daughter outright, Lacey’s father was simply letting her down easily.

Anger surfaced more slowly than sadness, but Lacey felt it more keenly as it seared her gut. She jumped up and paced furiously around her room a couple of times. She knew she couldn’t keep quiet or put on a brave face anymore. Her hands started shaking as she picked up her phone and went back through her contacts. She dialed his number again, which rang four times, but he didn’t answer. Figures, Lacey thought. He’s probably still busy helping Beatrice.

After the voicemail message played and the beep sounded, Lacey started talking. “Hey,” she began. For once, her voice reflected the anger she felt inside. “You can stop acting like you want to see me, because I know you don’t. You’ve been making excuses for the past seven years and you don’t even bother to see how I feel before you decide. So, you know what? Don’t even bother calling me ever again. I don’t want to see you anymore! Not now, not ever! Goodbye!” Lacey hung up as quickly as her shaking fingers would allow.

Her father probably would call her back at some point, but she already decided to let his calls go to voicemail. She was too upset to deal with him further. She immediately texted her mother: I’m not going to Maine. Dad cancelled on me. Lacey paused briefly. She knew she was always welcome at her grandma’s house in Orlando, but wondered about Grace’s offer. Her mom wouldn’t be back for at least a couple more hours, so Lacey had time to run and calm herself down. She texted Grace before stepping outside: Hey girl, you were right to ask questions about my dad. I can’t believe he cancelled on me like this.

Lacey sensed a shift within her as she stepped out into the moisture-laden cool air, locked the door and started to jog around her neighborhood. Regardless of how attentive her father was when she was little, Lacey knew she couldn’t keep letting him hurt her. She couldn’t keep waiting for him to reach out only when it was convenient and then fail to keep his promises. She had stepped away from the familiar, which made her nervous, but she took comfort in the boundaries she had set. She wasn’t sure what the future held, but she knew she couldn’t go back to the way things were.