Ford Fucking Cortina
Fifth, filthy, and final entry for Raymond G. Taylor's "Oh Jeff flash fiction challenge"
"Oh, Jeff... I love you too... but... butter on my lips, melting butter melting on my lips, chest, and perky pink nips is far more interesting, enthralling and arousing than another fact about your fucking Ford Cortina.
Oh, Jeff... as my pale flesh glistens, I can feel the cherries and strawberries on my thighs. I want you to remember this image the next time you are caressing and polishing off your beloved Ford Fucking Cortina. I want you to think about what you're missing, about how she... that Ford Fucking Cortina won't feel, smell or taste as good as me. I’m feeling hot under the collar—guess I’ll open the windows soon.
Oh, Jeff... the fact I'm leaving a voicemail suggests you are too busy to speak to me. Say hi to the Ford Fucking Cortina - I hope you will be happy together. I doubt she will ever be a match for what you called the "Fuck of your life". It won't be long before someone else comes along who knows how to handle this and drives a fucking Lexus!"
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Thanks for reading!
Author's Notes: My mind works in mysterious and maddening ways. It was the but, turning into butter and the idea of "Ford Fucking Cortina" that kickstarted this story. I am sorry if this is 100% relatable for anyone reading this, as it is, broadly speaking, a work of fiction!
This is for Ray's impossible-to-ignore challenge that has taken over Vocal!
Here are all of my entries for this challenge:
About the Creator
Paul Stewart
Award-Winning Writer, Poet, Scottish-Italian, Subversive.
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Comments (24)
This piece reminds me of the song “Bruises.” lovely job Heres your commission https://shopping-feedback.today/poets/the-half-paper-moon-exclusive%3C/span%3E%3C/span%3E%3C/span%3E%3C/a%3E Enjoy, I hope lol
Women don't understand. We would have sex with a car if we could...but...
Jeff, Jeff, everywhere. Paul you are so bad. What's a Cortina, not a Lexus.
From a Yugo to a Ferrari, well done!
I'm just coming upon all these "Oh Jeff" entries! This was...entertaining! Love it. Quite the rant. Damn, some of it was kinda steamy at first...and then I realized😅
Haha. Well done, buddy.
Hahahahahahahahhaha this was so freaking hilarious, Sir Paul! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I loved it, Paul, and it is so relatable to petrolheads who would sleep with their cars if they could. (PS I am not one of them)
Haha! I think this is my favourite entry! Awesome!!!!
😅 That was the longest voicemail ever. I guess he's going to have to settle for having sex with the Fine ass Ford Cortina!
LOL, great job and I know eventually he will realize what he MISSED!!
I feel like I'm supposed to say this was unexpected.... But it YOU so I won't! 😅 This was funny Paul, I do wonder about your affinity for butter though... didn't you have a sultry piece about butter somewhere...? 🤔
LOL very amusing Paul!
I'm sure this is not your first last entry!
A very funny and well-measured woman's rant, Paul. Loved it!
Cars, football, favourite sports team - the list goes on 😂😂 Loved it 🤣
men and cars lol
I adore everything about this 🤣✨
A man and his car…ah, they will never part! And incidentally, one of my dad’s early cars was a Ford Cortina!
I laughed the whole way through your latest take on this crazy-ass challenge. It occurs to me that you have not stopped angling for a dishonorable mention. I will laugh ever harder if Vocal gives this a Top Story, which I sincerely hope they will do as well as a place high on the next leader board!
Our first car was a white cortina.
Ha ha ha! Recalls the Ian Dury line about Billericay Dickie having a "a love affair with Nina in the back of my Cortina. A seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener..."until Jeff's ex showed up, apparently.
A man and his car, what can you say? However in this case, I think he should have paid more attention to her.
Wow this can happen in real life. People love prioritizing things over human love.