Flush with Fear

“Dude, I swear, something’s wrong with the bathroom,” Jake said, pacing the kitchen.

Elliot didn’t even look up from his phone. “What now? Did the faucet drip too loud again?”

“No, smartass, I’m serious! The toilet… it talked to me!”

Elliot burst out laughing. “Yeah, okay. What did it say? ‘Flush me harder’?”

“I’m not kidding!” Jake hissed. “I went in there last night, and as soon as I sat down, it said, ‘Occupied!’”

Elliot wheezed, doubling over. “Oh my God, you’ve lost it! What did you eat before bed? Ghost chili or expired shrimp?”

Jake glared. “Fine, don’t believe me. But you’re gonna REGRET it when it starts talking to you.”

~~~

Later that night, Elliot decided to test Jake’s ridiculous theory.

He entered the bathroom, flicking on the light. Everything looked normal—white tiles, clean sink, and yes, a very ordinary-looking toilet.

He smirked. “Alright, Toilet. Say something.”

Silence.

Elliot rolled his eyes. “Figures. Jake’s probably been sniffing cleaning products again.”

He turned to leave when he heard a low, gravelly voice:

“Did you wash your hands?”

Elliot froze. “What the…”

The voice came again. “I said… DID YOU WASH YOUR HANDS?!”

Elliot screamed, bolted out of the bathroom, and ran straight into Jake.

“SEE?!” Jake yelled, pointing dramatically at him. “I TOLD YOU!”

“It’s a prank, right? You put a speaker in there or something!” Elliot demanded, trembling.

“I didn’t touch anything!” Jake said, his face pale. “I’ve been holding it in all day because I’m too scared to go back in there!”

Elliot frowned. “Okay, let’s figure this out. It’s probably some neighbor messing with a Bluetooth speaker.”

“Yeah, because Bluetooth toilets are totally a thing,” Jake muttered.

“SHUT UP. I’m going back in.”

Armed with a plunger, Elliot cautiously opened the bathroom door and stepped inside.

“Alright, Toilet,” he said, gripping the plunger like a sword. “Talk to me!”

Silence again.

Elliot narrowed his eyes. “Oh, now you’re quiet? Real funny.”

Suddenly, the toilet’s lid slammed shut on its own.

“YOU’RE IN MY TERRITORY NOW!” the gravelly voice boomed.

Elliot dropped the plunger and ran out screaming. Jake was waiting in the hall, holding a baseball bat.

“Well?!” Jake asked, panicking.

“It’s haunted! The toilet is HAUNTED!” Elliot shouted.

“Great! So now what? Call a plumber or an exorcist?!”

~~~

After hours of Googling “toilet possession” and “haunted bathroom fixtures,” they decided to call an emergency plumber.

The plumber, an older man named Gus, listened to their story with a completely straight face.

“So, let me get this straight,” Gus said, crossing his arms. “Your toilet… talks?”

“Yes!” Jake and Elliot shouted in unison.

“And you’re not on DRUGS?”

“NO!”

Gus sighed. “Alright, let’s take a look.”

~~~

Ten minutes later, Gus emerged from the bathroom, shaking his head.

“Well?” Elliot asked, bracing himself.

“It’s a defective smart toilet,” Gus explained.

“A what?!” Jake asked.

“It’s got voice commands built in, but the system’s all messed up. Probably malfunctioning from water damage.”

“So… it’s not haunted?” Elliot asked, relief washing over him.

“Nope,” Gus said. “Just a piece of OVERPRICED junk. You want me to replace it?”

Jake looked embarrassed. “Yeah… probably for the best.”

As Gus packed up his tools, the toilet called out one last time:

“I’LL BE BACK.”

Elliot and Jake screamed, and Gus charged them an extra $50 for “Emotionaaaal damaaages.”