Finding Self

“I’ve heard enough of this nonsense!” I cried. I ran into my room. I knew it would be my safe place but even there I no longer felt peace and tranquility. I slammed the door to break the voices in my head. I breathe and feel my lungs work like a faulty filter struggling to clear my mind. I begin to choke. I throw myself onto the bed with frustration because I want to move about but I want to do nothing at all. What was once comfortable now feels like a lump of sand. I needed control and I have lost that.

“Why, why, why!” I came up with nothing. My brain, slowly dying with lack of oxygen. Then a cold dark feeling ran over me and I felt nothing.

I awoke to a numbness. Carefully I move my fingers. I move my hands and then my arms. I sigh with dissatisfaction.

“I’m still here” I hear myself say. My legs then my body follows. I force back the urge to vomit as my will to live is diminished.

I look at the chain on the ground.

“All I think I can do is try and I get NOTHING! Isn't that the meaning of life!? To try and surpass? To evolve? I can not NOT change? Can I?”

My voice echoes in the room and I close my ears with all my might.

“Nonsense. NONSENSE! Don’t speak nonsense!!”

I attempt to stay still. My ears start to hurt. My only care was to not expose myself to any ideas other than what I have been taught.

“They wouldn’t lead us astray would they?” Why would I think that? We do good and get rewarded right? SO WHERE IS THE REWARD!? Pushing ourselves to the point of extinction! I hear echos again and this time I concentrate on the pain from my ears. I take a deep breath.

Silence.

“Shhh” I tell myself. I look around and see that everything is the same. Room, bed, window, door, the chain, a dent in the floor. Wait, a dent on the floor? I can only see it because of the chain. Odd. That wasn't there before. Oh, that's right. Something happened. And I--

“But why?”

I kneel over to touch the chain and gently soothe my floor.

“Can't keep the floor perfect either. Huh?” My fingers felt a chip and I noticed the heart shaped locket had broken.

I felt a burning discomfort rise within my chest. I squeeze my hands into fists and clench my teeth.

“I can not keep anything from breaking. Not even my--my--” My heart? My? Heart? I slow myself and listen. The burning rise in my chest now becomes warm and inviting.

“What is this feeling?”

I look into the window but I don’t see outside anymore. I see someone. I see the reflection that is myself. Tears well up inside of me as I look at this stranger for the first time in a long time.

I look at the floor again and I take the heart shaped locket into my hands and I look at the reflection again.

“I cannot keep you from breaking. I can’t seal you perfectly but at least I can try.”

I hear a rumble. It sounds familiar but this time closer. This time I felt it. I thought it was in my chest but I can feel it throughout my body. I looked at the reflection and closed my eyes with a smile. I can feel a burning sensation return. My body begins to sweat and itch as a red color starts to blur my reflection. I wasn't focused on the light that was coming. I saw who I needed to see. And I knew there was something I wanted to hear. What needed to be said. I open my mouth and take a deep breath. I closed the locket in my hands and held it to my chest.

“I love you.”