EVAN

The next logical step in our budding relationship was for him to meet my parents since I had met his mother, even if that was the most awkward encounter with another human I've ever had. But then my mother decided to top that in a “hold my beer” moment.

I could describe to you in great detail all of the things that were hanging on the ceiling and walls of that Quaker steak and lube. I was looking anywhere except into the eyes of the people I was having lunch with while simultaneously praying that the guy sitting in the booth behind us was not listening to their conversation.

The entire lunch I could see Evan looking at me out of the corner of his piercing blue eyes with a shit-eating grin on his face. He was definitely amused at my embarrassment of where the conversation has led to. Finally our food arrives and the topic shifted to college.

College. I had forgotten until this point he was leaving for college soon. He wasn’t staying local. He was leaving to get a real college experience. 3 hours would separate us. I was praying it wouldn’t tear us apart. Hoping that his infatuation and obsession with winning me over and the fact that he supposedly loved me now would be enough. It wasn’t. But at the time, it was just a fear, not a reality.

The day he left, my heart broke. I didn’t drive to the next state over and settle him in. I watched as he drove away with his belongings with his mom after another very awkward encounter. Especially when he muttered comments about the level of intimacy we had shared within her ear shot.

I think a part of me knew that was the beginning of the end. It was his first adventure outside of this small town in the middle of nowhere. Of course he wasn’t going to want to keep a girlfriend at home 3 hours away. I kept hope though since he had made the comment “I only date for marriage.” He always knew the exact right things to say to keep me edging for more.

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I had begged him to come on this trip with me. I had planned it so that it was kind of a celebration of finishing my EMT classes. Unfortunately, his first week of orientation for college happened to fall during when I had planned this trip. So I left for the West Coast all on my own. I was so nervous to be by myself. This is when the nightmares started.

It was never the same nightmare, but it always had the same idea. I was always alone, I was always vulnerable, and I was always hurt in someway or another during these nightmares. I don’t know if it had something to do with being alone on this trip, or if it had to do with him leaving for college and leaving me behind. Before I had left, he came home for the weekend and gave me one of his shirts sprayed in his cologne to sleep in. But it wasn’t enough to keep the tears and terrors away.

While I had a decent time during the days of my vacation, I was relieved to come back home. Especially knowing he had promised to be there when I got home to chase the nightmares away.

He held up his end of the deal and was waiting in my apartment to which he had a spare key. He had rented movies and we ordered dinner and just spent time together. This would be the night of our first argument. The night I felt him start to pull away.

The argument started when I told him I loved him too many times he said. He said I told him all the time and it was too much for him and I needed to tell him less. This should’ve been a warning sign. After the way he kissed me the first time I told him I never would have thought I used the phrase too much. College was changing him. He was turning into someone that was no longer mine in such a short amount of time. Looking back 8 years later, I’m not sure the boy that I fell in love with ever existed, but merely a show he put on; a lie I wanted to see and hear.

The end of this weekend visit would eat away at my soul. Remember how I said I suffered greatly at the sadistic hands of depression and anxiety? I had an episode. I trusted him enough to tell him about it and had hoped he would come and soothe me through it. I asked. I don’t know if he just didn’t know how to handle it or if he was already just over me in general. As I sat in the bathtub with the cool metal resting against my leg I got the text message that told me he would not be stopping. He had already passed my exit and would not turn around to come save me from my demons. Little did he know, he was one of those demons I needed saved from.

I didn’t follow through with my plan that night obviously. Or I wouldn’t be here to tell the story. I cried and read that text message over and over and over until I passed out in that ceramic tub. When I woke up the next morning, I double dosed my medication, moved to the couch instead and continued living even though I didn’t want to. The hole in my chest from rejection was bigger than any bullet would’ve made.