End of The Line

What year is it? The words we have all slowly dragged across our mind as we sluggishly and feebily attempt to orientate our befuddled self after waking up from what is better described as hibernation.

As I stretch out my arms I am tempted to go back to sleep by the gentle rocking of the train…train? Why am I on a train? My eyes roll open faster than cheap blinds and no sooner did those words come off my tongue, was I now wide awake and in a dead panic. I couldnt tell what was racing faster my heart or the train but both were neck and neck in the Kentucky Derby. Only the clear winner and reigning champion has always been my anxiety over the last 15 years.

I quickly rummaged through my pockets, no ticket. I poked my head above the seats and quickly looked around but didnt see anyone. The “what ifs” are drowning me in a sea of anxiousness but let me listen to my therapist and assume the best. Maybe all the people had gotten off by now, I had to be close to the end of the line. Now the other obvious question remains, where is this train going?

I slid down in my seat and grimaced as I said to myself, shoot Id settle for the answer to where am I going in my life that I wake up on a train not knowing how I got there. I knew I should just quit drinking but drinking with my adderal was a new level of stupid. In fact Jerome let’s add some regret and shame that is waking up on a moving train with no ticket and no idea where its going just for good measure. You know to make the flavor of the humiliation just right.

I have never been one to make such bad decisions. Nope, thats definitly a lie! Even so dejection has for the last two decades sank at the center of my loneliness creating this black hole that pulled all the satisfaction from my life.

I've come to a point that we all arrive at in our life like my mom says where I was going to come face to face with who I really was and that was either going to be the end of the line or a new beginning. I guess that is where we have to take that long hard look at what weve become and ask is this it?

We answer the question of what have we done with the gift of life then like a shadow it follows us everywhere we go. My question is more straight forward what have I done with my gifts period. Last night my answer was nothing so I drank and thats the way its been for some time. Today seems to have anchored that in the storm that has treaded on the heels of my life for the last 45 years.

Three failed marriages, which actually makes sense when you think of it I mean my parents divorced so I guess I am just carrying on the family tradition. Five kids who know me as their father but not daddy. Alcholic, double check. Let’s add a sprinkle of average at so many things but not really great at anything except making money. You would think a brother would still smell himself a little bit being in Forbes last year. Yet this empty abyss inside of me grows despite what I feed it. Its appetitie to envelope anything I put near it is insatiable. Everything, one by one, they all dissapear into myself without ever finding the bottom. I am a walking black hole. Well maybe a walking black a-hole, atleast thats what my ex wife calls me.

Ok where am I? As I try to suck back any start of emotions escaping down my face. I mean let me think the damn train is going somewhere. Anyways Im sure I can just get off at the next stop. By now I could barely hold back my tears but atleast no one was there to see it. I jumped out of my seat and I went from row to row checking for anything. Why is there no luggage? I guess everyone really did get off. Ok well that must atleast mean were close to the last stop.

I continued desperately to the next car as I pushed the button the door painfully and slowly slid open to reveal yet again nothing and no one. Not a single piece of luggage, no carts and no attendants. I mean isnt this the first class train. Ok, fair enough maybe I was the only one who booked it at that time. I mean not everyone can shell out for these seats. Times is rough for everyone these days and I dont mean are I mean is. Because things are that bad the last thing on your mind is grammar. My buddy and I would say ‘times is rough’ when we were in college and had enough money to buy Taco Bell and cheap beer. We always said one day hopefully they wouldnt be so rough and we could laugh about this no matter where we were still drinking the same cheap beer.

I slumped down in an empty seat and dove my face into my hands. Ok think think, come on picture memory you gotta do something good for me now come on. Ah ha! ok that guy! I saw him before I got on. He was the conductor or something whatever you call the dude with the funny hat and old timey watch.

A lightbulb went off, literally in front of me, but also in the drab corner of my short term memory. I had stumbled on the train and had a full conversation with this guy. He had this dumb grin on his face and I wanted to know why. However, true to drunk form im sure I didnt listen to his answer. I tuned out after I started to hear the same sermon song and dance. That preachy atittude I always got growing up. I honeslty wasnt trying to be rude but when you hear the same relgious talk over and over in your life it has a way of numbing your heart. I guess it had to be numb as my faith shrunk over the years of religious attitudes. I went from moving mountains to planting mustard seeds but I couldnt get over how happy he looked. I mean there is no way he was even earning 1/4th the salary I pay my assistant.

But I should be honest it may have been the messed up part of me that didnt want anyone else happy if I wasnt. If we all had an honest moment with ourselves thats us many a times. Even so why can't these people just keep their joy to themselves. The church has put enough peoples emotions through the garbage disposal, including me. You know what kind of Christians im talking about who care about building big churches, self righteous, hypocrities, proudly put their big tithe from their bigger paycheck in the offering and act like they are in a musuem for good tokens type Christians. The ones none of us understand. I mean atleast admit like I had to that you likely got that joy from a coping mechanism handed down to explain your own existence. The bible has always just been a bunch of stories to me that terrified me into thinking I was going to be left behind like in those movies and book series. A god who punishes people who dont believe in him if thats what we have to look forward to then leave me behind im good.

Either way I have admit he seemed nice enough I mean apparently he let me on without a ticket so thats probably why I entertained his folktales of a savoir no one living in this world has seen. A God that has seemingly abandoned me long before I pulled myself up in this worked. Ok youre doing it again youre picking at old wounds and reliving the hurt, thats what the therapist said on our last visit. Atleast being a social chameleon has paid off for me in this situation but now I feel angry I mean how could I have been so dumb to swallow that nonsense for years. Ok Jerome calm down. Just remember your energy, choose your thoughts and center yourself. I let out a deep breath and cleared my mind.

Ok conductor conductor ahh he said it was a slow night and that I would probbaly have lots of space to do my thinking. Im guessing that was in reference to my state last night. He said there was only a small church group who had just finished with some ministry or whatever and had some of the poor kids they adopted or something doesnt matter.

I let out a relieved sigh well that clears that up. A new sense of peace laid across my body. Sometimes all we need to do is just get out of our own head lay out the facts and let them tell the truth thats what my therapist said.

Feeling more confident I pushed up my 500 dollar tie and strolled back to my seat but that light bulb caught my eye again…no one is in this cart. “Emergency lights” light up like those cheap Christmas lights but still so impossibly bright. It must have gone off by mistake this train doesnt look like it has had an upgrade since I did. I let out a laugh that actually rang through my body as I slumped in my seat. I grabbed my phone, no service. Great! all that money for a first class seat and I cant even get some descent wifi. Must be early still not that many people as I peered through the window. I tried to squint and make out something but the train was going so fast I could barely make out anything outside.

I could however tell we were going through the country because all I see is green. Let me get up and go get a train stewardess so I can afleast figure out the next stop to get off and get some wifi. I pushed my way into what look like the attendants area nothing and no one.

The train shuttered and began to shake violently as it charged into darkness. My heart sank, ok dont worry just a tunnel nothing to be alarmed about. I am not a good traveler this is why I drive.

You know whats strange why hadnt I heard the trains horn go off? Arent you suppose to hear that when you get close to tunnels or other stops, in fact we havent even slowed down.

As I looked at the lights that seemed to flicker in the tunnel outside it was evident that in fact we were speeding up…I backed away from the window in disbelief and began to sprint to the next cart, nothing and no one.

Desperately throwing open compartment and terrorizing every seat into dissarray. Still nothing and no one, not even in the bathroom ,empty. Disheveled and disheartened I stood alone in the center aisle as the train rocked me back and forth almost falling over and bracing myself on the seats.

In my last attempt I saw at the end of the next cart what seemed like the drivers entrance. Now I could risk going to jail for interfering with him or be kicked off the train but honestly that doesnt sound too bad. I mean I want to get off anyways. Right, ok just calm down just compose yourself and calmly knock on the door. The most logical answer is that the staff are probably in the last cart on break. Don't think in what ifs look at what is.

I compose myself and walk to the drivers door and knock. I prepare to make a witty ice breaker to explain why I knocked on his or her door. Knock…knock…knock. My knocks seem hollow and hard against the door. My countenance fades and drops as my knocks grow more desperate than my emotions. I began to bang and plunging my fist against the door. IS ANYONE IN THERE?? This aint funny anymore. Where is everyone my frustration boiling over I launched both of my hands at the door one last time and it flies open slamming against the wall.

My pulse made me lightheaded as I grabbed the knob to brace myself it was the first time the train felt like it slowed down since I woke up. Only it hadnt but it felt like my head had as I stood mouth gaped at an empty drivers seat.

My soul was so frightened it felt like it was going to leave my body right then and there. With tremored hands I reached for the small window next to the dirvers seat to get some air and thats when I heard it. The sound that will leave marks on your psyche that couldn't be removed if you were born again a thoasand times. It sounded like a million teeth gnashing and nails across being raked across a thousand chalkboards at once. A chorus of cries and wales erupted as the slow motion scene outside came into focus. People frantically running around as the streets were covered in cars turned over or on fire. Front doors wide open and the most eerie of all sounds was the absence of one, no sirens.

My eyes went to a grown man in what looked to be a brand new Aston Martin perched on the hood rocking back and forth, his face like the screamer and dripping with sweat and blood. Sheer terror painted the landscape, there is no therapist for this. My eyes squinted as amidst the fray the sun seemingly intesified as armageddon played out or maybe I was passing out. I slowly raised my head to look up and saw only what I could make out as innumerable figures of light and one at the center that seemed to set the whole sky ablaze like radiant jewels mixed with fire.

My spine felt as if it was going to liquify in my body. My anxiety made me want to pull my teeth out but before I could gain any bearing I lifted my head to the front windshield to see a giant retaining wall in about 800 meters the tracks ended…I fell against the drivers chair and on the horn that let out a deep and continuous bellow as my thoughts played out so unceremoniusly. There was no where left for my anxiety to go, all I could think of was what my mom told me when I was little. That eventually I was going to come face to face with who I really was and that was either going to be the end of the line or a new beginning...my only hope is that like the theif of the cross my final plea is met with mercy from the Jesus that was now apparent in the skies above me because if not this is the end of the line. Its either paradise or…