Divine Pair

The pounding in my chest has spread to my ears, eluding that this could be a dream, which I'm still finding hard to believe this isn't. Smacking right into each on this trail, after almost 8 years. It's almost degrading how quickly I remember the feeling of being beside him, but even worse, how quickly I relished in it.

After the initial shock and embarrassing amount of silence, exchanging of almost forced pleasantries, he politely gestured to the closest bench, I held my breath. I sat and took in the view of lush greenery, overgrown from the recent rain. Trees jutting around all sides, only a slight clear path in between facing the bench we're seated on, revealing the sunset beyond that's reflecting the river below. The world was swallowing us up in this moment. Seemingly on cue, we both released pent up air from our chest. Not wanting to meet his eyeline, but eager to end the uncomfortableness of this moment, I look up and notice his mouth open, but no words come out. I almost smile, I remember that face exactly, on the edge of a thought, only for him to not let it leave his tongue. As soon as I look away, words have finally met the surface, "I never stopped thinking about you..." thin curls imprinting in the corners of his mouth, in a way I've never seen before.

The air thickened in an instant, threatening to choke me. I wish I could say the feeling of his words were shocking, but I've imagined how many times they would finally reach my ears. I've heard this exact sentence in my dreams. It's not as if I've manifested this, but the feelings are familiar, this was always meant to happen.

"That didn’t take long,” I couldn’t help but chuckle, it was so easy with him, to give in. “You know I never stopped, either." I breathe a breath that opens my chest so dramatically, I swear I felt dust rattle. I know he feels it too. Even after all these years, his eyes reveal everything. The sudden sounds of a couple running through the hiking trail pulled our attention, but only for a second. Suddenly I was wishing we had ran into each other at a more inconvenient-to-talk place like a grocery store or the DMV. But of course, this was planned, even if wasn't by either of us, seeing as we finally meet after all these years in this park I truly thought I had kept to myself. I didn't even start coming here until after our last time speaking, years ago. And now he's sitting beside me on my mid-hike catch my breath bench. My head is in the clouds, while my feet are firmly planted to the Earth; and his eyes are still stars. “I guess I’m just happy to hear I wasn’t the only one." My cloudy head threatened a storm, breaking free. The only question that has been on my mind since he left, more like vanished, without a warning.

He knew exactly what I was talking about and I recognized a restrained reaction, he wanted to tell me something. No, he needed to tell me something. "You never were. I don’t think any apologize will suffice Ada," my name was a song on his lips once again, "but I have to explain myself. First, I just need you to tell me..." he drifted off, familiar dark, woodsy eyes matching the tones around us now lowering to meet the dirt. Then confidently perking up and sensing my confusion, he continued, "I need to know how you felt, how I made you feel. That day, months, years after, if it still does. Please, it killed me every single day trying to predict your feelings, trying to read your mind. I betrayed you and left when we had the chance to finally be real, and it's been my only regret. You were ready for me, and now you're here and I just need to hear it." Crunching dead leaves filled nature's silence as hikers and bikers roamed around us. I thanked the universe for putting me in my safe space for this moment, while also cursing myself for going on this damn evening run and ending up in this situation.

I looked around, taking in the scenery around us, using it as my muse for strength, hoping to ground myself like these currently non-fruit bearing pear trees. Fertile with nothing, but still beautiful and remaining. He was ready for my words, I settled my eyes on his. "When you left, suddenly, I knew I couldn't reach out, I wouldn't, actually. I was so angry, for a long time. With you, but mainly myself, for letting myself get so upset over us, we weren’t even together, I was upset over a friend, over nothing,” even though I mourned our connection because it was my everything. “We yearned for each other for so long when we were only friends, and when we had our chance to be something, and you left, whatever I couldn't blame on you, I put heavily on myself." I paused, I've never said these words out loud, but they have been screaming in my head for longer than I thought I could handle. "I felt so lonely, if you didn't want me, that was what being my ugliest felt like. And I couldn't get myself out of that headspace. Seeking the approval of every male interested in me after that inflated me enough through life to make me float by. I got engaged twice and I ended it both times." Shocked but entranced eyes hold my gaze, "I always asked myself why it could never work out with anyone else, but I was lying to myself every single time. I would constantly hear the songs we used to listen to, or was always reminded of the things we used to share together. The harder I tried to push you away, the more you would pop up in my everyday life. I was arrogant enough to believe I could push that feeling away until it would die off, hoping my hatred for you would turn cold and black and eventually fall off like a skintag. And one day maybe you’d pop in my head and I’d finally feel, nothing. I prayed for it. But it never happened, Sam." Twiddling at my thumbs as I always did deep in a speech, or as a nervous habit, he probably knew both.

"And what about now?" His question sucked the life out of me, because I had only came to these realizations in the last year. I knew I had to be done feeling angry when I thought of him, so I needed to find a way to let go, fully. I wrote a letter of what I wanted to say to him and then buried it in my desk drawer, those words reduced to a dusty, crumbled ball, now spilling from my mouth so effortlessly. I even considered booking a cord cutting from the sultry yet sweet witch lady from two towns overs, I was desperate. "Well, forgiving you mainly came from a place of me healing myself. I let the negative feelings from us consume me for years, and I didn't realize how much it had hardened me on the inside, it affected everything in my life.” A stoic expression, waiting for me to continue, “Sam, I realized that no matter how much resentment I held for you, I was truly mad because I missed the good parts, and they couldn’t continue. I didn't just lose the idea of being with someone I truly thought was my other half, but someone who was my best friend. We were so close, we were the best pair, always laughing, never a dull moment. And we kissed…” numbness in my limbs and pulsing in my ears, matching the fervor of that same moment just like that first time, it felt like heaven. Too good to be true, too quickly out of my grasp. I smiled because it was simply hard not to; the man in front of me, his face encased in the life path he chose all that time ago. Scruffy still, dark hair the perfect amount of messy, just like back then. “The love was so real, and for a long time, I wondered, was it just me that felt this way, so deeply, so consistently.” I glanced away, holding my breath for that moment. “Did he feel the same? Did he ever feel this way? How was it so easy? Was I the only one?' For the longest time, these questions wouldn’t stop popping up in my head.” They still do, nagging like a parasite. I take a deep breath out, waiting for the woods around me to fill the emptiness between us.

“It was never just you, and it was the single hardest thing I did to myself. I didn't leave because what we had between us wasn't real, I left because I wasn’t real.” As broad as the statement was, I knew exactly what he meant. "Ada, you said you had to heal yourself, it took me so long to realize that's what I needed also. I never wanted to leave you or hurt you, but I knew at that time I couldn't have been the man you deserved. We were just kids, we weren't ready for something so divine." He grabbed my hand, and the same word had always came to mind. Divine. I surely wasn't ready at the time either, I thought I was, but going through what I did without him, I wouldn't change any of it. I gained acceptance of myself and the world has been falling into line ever since, abundance overflowing, like the forest surrounding us.

His thumb stroking my knuckles brought me back to the moment, “But god, Ada, the moments where we teetered on the edge, danced on the line so gracefully between friends and something more, it was everything to me." He slightly squeezed my hand and smiled, I copied him. This feeling coursing through my veins, I wish I could bottle it up and use it for every bad situation, like a cure-all. He continued, "I had my fair share of relationships, and I coped the loss of you in every way possible. It was so hard everyday to not reach out, and I can't imagine how hearing that must feel, but I was in such a bad place for a such a long time, I didn't want you near any of it. Even worse, we only shared such beautiful moments, even as friends, so trying to forget you never worked. I never could paint you in a bad light, I've found it to be impossible."

"I feel like I'm in high school again." I can't help but laugh, truly feeling as blushed and vulnerable as I did back then, but holding me up was the woman I've been forging for years, backing me with constant strength.

"Me too, I still might be," he points to his vintage Return of the Jedi shirt under his coat, memory of him wearing that consistently rang through easily. We laughed loudly together and I visualized the pear trees in full bloom, the sun raising itself back up, just for the two of us.

"And I miss my best friend." We locked eyes and I felt the Earth pull off its axis. "Can I please take her to coffee?" And just like the idea that they would have to leave this park, the inevitable has arrived.

Earnestly, she accepted. They left the park hand-in-hand.