Dead Letter Office

“How much to send this?” he asked in a polite but pretty nondescript tone while placing the small package on the counter top.

The clerk examined the package no differently than she would’ve any other piece of mail, looked at it, turned it, held it up to the light for some reason and then asked in succession “What is it? Do you not want to put a return address on it?”

“Is that normal to ask what I’m putting in the mail?” He didn’t even leave enough space for a breath before feeling the need to reassure the clerk that he understood. “I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure I knew what you meant - it’s just a few small things, nothing fragile.” The clerk attempted to reply but before she could he followed up again. "Actually, I’ll tell you what’s in it, it’s a box of letters, cards, notes, stuff like that. There’s also a small necklace and a DVD. See, nothing to worry about”

“Ok, and did you want to add a return address?”

“I don’t think so? No, no I think it’ll be ok like that?”

Then he started nodding and thinking about whether or not he should include a return address and it seemed like he might’ve been just a little uncertain.

“Are you sure you don’t want to include a return address?”

He paused briefly as if to think about that question again because what he had included felt like it was so much more than a few letters. Seven years were tucked away in that box. For seven years he had held onto every note she left, and kept every card she sent, and all the things she had left behind over all those years. They had never been together - not in the traditional sense and there were a lot of reasons for that - not the least of which was the presence of significant others. They understood each other though. It was frustrating and there were ups and there were downs - even in their friendship, but it was the type of connection that was just really genuine. It was also maddening and frustrating because it didn’t seem to follow any kind of convention, but the beauty of it all was pretty remarkable.

Now for the both of them there was always little justice done when attempting to describe what this relationship looked or felt like to anyone else. It just didn’t matter though, somewhere along the way, they became the only two people in the world who even cared that they still knew each other. They never spoke of each other anymore to anyone because it had long been clear that no one was ever going to really know what they knew. There were no words for what they shared, there were no expressions, there was nothing like that, yet it was still unmistakably loving.

For a long time, they felt pushed apart and pulled together. It affected every relationship in their lives, not just romantic relationships although those were particularly touched, but every relationship. They had changed for each other how they loved, listened, and learned. They had both moved a long way from where they had begun and there were times where she had angrily exclaimed that it would have made ‘no sense!’ for them not to be together. Safe to say she wasn’t exactly recognized for her patience. Even still, he never disagreed because he always believed that too, that they would find their way together. He was never uncomfortable with time, but he was always concerned about timing and the timing being right. It was like life and everything in it was some kind of formula for him and that was just the way he was. There was never anything disingenuous about that. And that’s probably why they always got so close, but never quite got there. You see they both wanted everything, and yes, she usually wanted everything right now, but there was still never a true selfish moment between them.

In all those years they’d spent circling each other, and for all the times she’d emotionally boxed him up in that vain effort to move on, he had been doing the same with this actual box. It had been more than a year since the last time they'd heard from each other. It wasn’t the longest stretch they had ever gone but they both understood that this time was really different. They said that the last time they spoke, that regardless of what happened next or who it happened with, that they had been amazing parts of each others’ lives. It didn’t matter that it wouldn’t make sense to anyone else - they understood. They were both happy, and genuinely happy for the other.

It’s strange how-

DING!! - the sound was pretty startling, completely unexpected, and changed the tone of the conversation in exactly the way you would think if a customer service agent rang a bell to get a customers’ attention.

“Sir, are you sure you don’t want to include a return address??”

“What?”

“Do you want to- “

“Oh no, no that’s fine, it doesn’t need a return address. I’m only counting on one of two things happening. This package will either end up at the address on the box, or it’ll end up in a dead letter office somewhere and some middle aged, romantic-at-heart postal worker is going to open it and read all these love letters and goodbye letters, and silly notes and cute birthday cards and still not be able to figure out who its for or who its from and maybe they’ll even write a fancy story about the whole situation. Who knows right? I’m actually ok with either”

“Ummm. OK. Well, if that’s everything, your total will be $18.76”