Customer Service

These are the rules for customer service. Remember, the company is always right, and the customer is generally irrelevant as long as they pay their subscriptions. They are just our cash cows.

Surely that's wrong. We should look after our customers, if we do that, they will be happy to stay with us and maybe recommend us to friends and acquaintances, which would bring us in more revenue.

They are just one of our income streams, nothing more. To us, they are hardly even people.

What happens when there is an issue on our side?

There is never an issue on our side. We follow the Apple model. We are perfect. If there is an issue, it is the fault of the customer. Always.

What about that time the Nokia update bricked the phones, that wasn;t the customers' fault surely.

It was. It was their fault for buying and trusting Nokia. If they had purchased another model, they would have been fine.

Are you serious or just trying to wind me up, seeing how far you can push me?

You are here to make the company as much money as possible, and you will not let customers get in the way of that. If you do, you will not be here for much longer.

But if things are working, what do we tell the customers? How do we keep them onside with us?

You tell them everything is absolutely fine, and if they keep coming back, eventually just ignore them.

If we ignore them, surely eventually they will leave us and stop paying us.

They have to see out the contract that they signed with us. If not, we send in the bailiffs, and they won't like that.

That is a terrible attitude to have. I am disliking this place more every minute.

Well, you don't have to work here. The rates we pay, we can easily replace you. You just need to be a bit of a bully and treat the customers like the scum they are.

Seriously, how are you still in a job, and how is this company turning a profit?

Most customers are not bothered, as long as they have the latest device, it doesn't have to work that well, as long as they have a brand name in their hand that they can impress their friends with, that's all that matters. We tie them into long contracts and then offer "reasonably" priced upgrades, which they lap up. As I say, they are just a massive herd of cash cows, which lets us cream off fortunes in bonuses, and if they have a problem, just blame them and then ignore them. You could make a lot of money working here. You just have to follow the rules, which are

• The company is always right
• The customer is always wrong

I'm sorry, I cannot work here, and I will let people know how awful you really are.

They won't listen. Show them some shiny trinkets, and they will rather take those than listen to what you have to say,,,,,