Corn

When you're all alone, do you really chew with you mouth closed? Do you gently dab your napkin to your lip? Do you cut bites that actually fit in your mouth? Or, do you stuff your food into your mouth like a blue whale gone rogue?

The truth is, there is a certain joy that you get from shoving a sandwhich into your face. There's something freeing about letting your manners fade into the backround while you unleash your inner hog. But unfortunately, there is an an unspoken expectation that manners ought to be upheld when you are around other people.

But there are times when one must let go. There are certain foods that it would be a disgrace to eat gracefully. And these are the best foods. The ones that offer themselves up as a humble excuse for leaving your manners behind.

No one likes escargot because no one likes wearing a tuxedo, holding a dainty fork, and pretending like a single bite has fully quenched their appetite. No one likes caviar because caviar gives you a haughty stink eye as you swallow it, as if it's too good for you.

But corn. Corn. Ah, just hear the word, and feel it all over your face. Feel it pressed against your cheeks, as you bury your face in hundreds of kernels. Let your nose get as close as it likes, and take a big whif. And then bite into it just as impolitely as you'd like. Let it squirt onto your neck. Let it squirt up your nose. Let it squirt onto the person next to you. Don't be sorry. Get that corn off its cob and in between every tooth. Let it stay there. Because who cares?

Wait for your forehead to get involved. Don't try, just let it happen. It's natural to finish a corn on the cob with corn on your forehead. This is a messy job. So become the mess. When you're finished, you should be covered in butter. Your face should be glowing and glistening with joy. And then you should grab another one.

And this time, look at that shade of yellow. No, really look at it. How did dirt and water make something that matches the sun so well? I mean, think about it people. Where did this glorious hunk of deliciousness come from? Only God knows, but here it is, so why not stuff it into your face?

Ignore the potato salad on your plate that's begging for attention. What did potato salad ever do for you? Ignore that hot dog – you know how it was made. Ignore the lemonade – you know what hell it wants to unleash on your canker sores. Ignore the world. Right now, it's just you and corn.

Don't use corn holders – that's what your fingers are for. Don't use a napkin – that's what your shirt is for. Ignore the sassy remarks from various relatives about your manners. What manners? This is corn, people, there are no manners. Ignore your girlfriend as she neatly uses her knife to slice off each row of corn and attempts to eat it with a fork. Ignore her judgy glances as you smear the corn off of your face and onto your sleave. Ignore her when she says that you disgust her, and claims she would never eat like that. Just smile at her with a mouth full of corn, and say, "The lady dost protest too much methinks."

And you know what, in the end, do you care more about your girlfriend, or corn? Which one makes you feel more like a man?