Colt and June

“I’m sorry”, I said to her as we were still staring deep into each other’s eyes. With a puzzled look she responded, “For what?”.

But before I could tell her what I needed to say, I felt the pace of her heartbeat ramping up, and my own mimicked hers. We were sitting in the back of my car for what was probably the last time, yet it never quite hit me, not until after I had already left.

I began to feel queasy, regretting opening up this subject at all.

“I don’t know”, I said in a piss-poor attempt to backtrack the conversation, “It’s just that I’m gonna miss you a lot during winter break, ya know”. She offered her usual reassurance in the form of a soft smile and some kind words.

“I’m gonna miss you too. You can still call me though, anytime, and we can talk about anything you want to and watch whatever dumb show you get into next. It won’t be so long.”

June always knew what to say to make me feel better, but this time was different, I couldn’t stop thinking about how she would react to finding out I wasn’t actually coming back. She rubbed my shoulder holding that gentle smile, and all I could do was picture it all fading away.

No more late nights in her dorm room, no more walks through the campus, no more lavender scented candles or slow dances. No more of her. Everything in front of me at that moment would soon disappear and I wasn’t ready for that to happen just yet.

“Don’t wanna go outside real quick?”, she said to me, “Get some fresh air?”

“Yea…yea that’d be good.”

We put all our clothes back on as well as our jackets and headed out of the car. The wind pierced through me so harsh I swore I could feel it in my bone.

“Are you cold?”, I asked June.

“Not too much, I’ll be okay, thanks. How bout you?”

“I’m good”, I lied in response.

We snuggled together, partially for warmth and partially for romance, sitting on the hood of my car just like we did back in high school. I pulled out a cigarette, partially for warmth and partially out of habit. I looked at her knowing she was never fond of this hobby of mine.

“It’s fine go ahead", she said to me.

“Ya know, I’m gonna quit soon”, I said as I lit the end of that cancer stick.

“Is that right?”, she replied in disbelief.

“Yeah, it is, this is my last one”, I said right as I exhaled a hefty cloud of toxic air.

She mocked me, miming the presence of a cigarette between her fingers, letting out a visible breath. I couldn’t help but laugh at myself.

In the middle of her laughter she told me, “Okay, I believe you, good luck with that”, but that part didn’t feel like a joke, which made it even worse when I realized she probably shouldn’t trust me when it comes to this or anything really.

“Thanks”, I said.

We sat in silence for a while, well, it wasn’t truly silent due to the constant drone of the highway not too far from us. Every once in a while I’d hear a cricket chirp or a tree rustle, but mostly it was silent.

“Do you have any plans for break?”, she asked.

I felt my gut drop, I still didn’t know how to tell her so I just took another puff of the cig.

“No, not really”, I said, “Just seeing family and old friends again, ya know, same old same old.”

“Hm, that’s nice.”

“You?”

“Yea, pretty much the same. Glad to be going back, I hate to admit it but I miss home all the time.”

“Yea, I get that”, I responded.

I started to feel her heart racing again while her breaths got heavier. She reached for my hand and held it tight while she moved out of my arms.

“I know you’re not coming back”, she said softly as she cautiously let go of my hand.

Everything got quiet for real, no more highway roaring, no more rustling trees or crickets, I didn’t know what to say, I waited so long to just think about saying anything, I let my cigarette burn out.

Hesitantly I started to reply, “ How did you-”

“Max told me. He said it uh…slipped out.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Were you ever gonna tell me, Colt? Or were you just gonna run away from everyone? You know there are some times where I question if anything you say is true at all.”

I could tell there was an anger, a frustration that I rarely saw in June. Her voice wavered and she stuck her words into me like a switchblade.

She continued, “I don’t know, Colt, it just always seems like there’s something you’re not telling me, like you have some plot that you’re brewing up, I see it on your face all the time.”

She wasn’t wrong, but I never liked lying per se, I guess I’m just not all that into telling the truth either. Sometimes I simply preferred to keep things for myself, it kept my life under control.

“I was gonna tell you.”

“Really? When were you gonna tell me? You know I’m leaving for home tomorrow morning, that's not something you just drop on someone at the last minute – that’s fucked up.”

“I don’t know when, but…I was going to.”

“I’m sure you were.”

She hopped off of the hood of the car, and started heading down the road.

“Where are you going?”

“Back to campus.”

“What? Are you crazy?”

“No, I’m not”, she answered firmly.

“It’s freezing out here and that’s like a 30 minute walk, let me drive you back.” As she continued to walk and got further away I had to start yelling for her to hear me, “I’m sorry, okay, you can be mad at me, you don’t even have to speak to me! Just, please let me drive you back.”

She kept walking without saying a word, so I hopped in the car and headed down the road to catch up. I slowed down and started to drive in a crawl beside her.

While I rolled down the passenger side window I said to her, “Come on, please get in.”

“No, Colt, that’s not gonna happen.”, she said as she kept walking.

“Why? Just tell me why.”

She stopped walking and I stopped the car. She leaned into the open window, and let out a big sigh. Then, she looked at me and said, “I’ll see you after break.”

This time I didn’t start driving after her, I let her walk ahead for about ten minutes before I took a different route back to campus. I knew it was for the best, not for me or for her, but for both of us.

I let all the windows down and drove as fast as I could get away with. The feeling of that cold breeze temporarily distracted me from all that had just happened but in that moment, temporary was good enough, because I realized everything was temporary. I relit the cigarette, breathed in, and blew a calm, gentle cloud of toxins right out the window, and everything in front of me disappeared.