Closer to Closure

I just happened to look over at the doorway for a second and saw the back of his head. He had a small balding spot where his hair met in a circle that was recognizable. I could see the black frames of his glasses poking out on the sides of his face. His jacket matched his frames and his jeans were a dark blue. His clothes snuggled his muscular frame comfortably. I saw him walk away with the person he was with that looked to be feminine. Could it really be him?

I looked back to my friend who was still ordering her strawberry smoothie. “Could you order me a chocoholic smoothie? I have to use the bathroom. I’ll pay you back.”

“Of course, girl! I got you!” She turned back to the person behind the counter and continued her order.

I had to know if it was really him. I couldn’t help but to see. My hands started to tingle as my adrenaline starting pumping. I walked out of the smoothie shop and into the main section of the mall in the direction I saw them walking. It was a small mall and I walk pretty fast for a short person, so I was sure it would be easy to catch up. I started thinking about our past and my memories. It ended between us over 10 years ago, why do I still feel this way?

I remembered that I loved this man so much that it drove me crazy, literally, because he could never love me as much. He always got in the way of our love growing by doing and saying things that pushed me away. He never broke down his walls, no matter how hard I tried. My self confidence tanked as he could never make me feel secure. I strayed from him and accepted the affections of another man. One that I was still with and loved deeply. What am I doing?

Walking through the crowded mall, I scanned the figures ahead of me and incredibly quickly, I found my target. He was like a magnet that drew my attention. He and his companion walked into a store I quickly recognized. It was full of black and bright colored clothing with chains and album covers up on the walls. The sound of heavy rock music became louder. As I got closer, I wondered if he could sense my presence like I seemed to always sense his. I focused on the back of his head, but he never looked back. Am I crazy?

I passed the store, heading to the bathroom. Part of me was wondering if I should turn around and see if I can catch his gaze, but I did actually need to use the restroom. I felt like I was speed walking to the bathroom and I got there so fast I even surprised myself. I chose a stall, pulled my pants down, and sat down on the cold porcelain. I looked at my hands shaking, closed my eyes, took a deep breath in, and released it. I repeated this a few times while I was finishing my business. I washed my hands and looked at myself in the mirror. Calm yourself down.

I walked out of the bathroom at a normal pace. Feeling more down to Earth than before. As I turned the corner, I could feel my stomach start to tighten and start to float higher. This feeling made me look to my left, towards the store. As I looked, I could see the silhouettes of him and the woman he was with. I quickly diverted my eyes to look down on the ground and kept their feet in my peripheral vision. Don’t look up, don’t look up.

For some reason, my brain could not regard the woman. She could’ve been his love interest or his daughter, the result was the same. My eyes did not see her hair color, her outfit, or if they were holding hands. It’s like she was a blind spot in my vision. I couldn’t focus on her even if I tried. The only thing I could see in my mind was his face and his black-rimmed glasses. Do not look up.

We got closer together and I could tell our paths were going to cross. I made sure to put enough room between our paths to be a normal space for passing. Like a bubble that I would not let them in. At the last moment, my eyes couldn’t stay down any longer and I looked up. My eyes quickly found his. He was looking past me. Part of me wanted to believe that he was watching me in his peripheral, but I quickly shot that down. What did I expect?

After we passed each other, my pace quickened. My quickest walk felt like it wasn’t fast enough. As I made my way back to the smoothie shop and my friend was sitting at a table with our smoothies. I sat down and went about our girl time as if nothing happened. I couldn’t bring myself to admit to her what had happened. I was scared that part of her would judge me for feeling this way given the beautiful ring on my finger and the loving man I had at home. What is wrong with me?

I left the mall without searching for him anymore. At least that much, I could control. I went about the rest of my day. Got home, kissed my husband, cooked dinner, played with our toddler, cleaned up, put the baby down for bed time, put on my fuzzy PJs, and started a TV show. My husband started playing video games in the other room. I could hear him talking with his friends loudly through his headset. My thoughts kept on circling back to black rimmed glasses, questioning why and how he still makes me feel this way. Just forget about it.

My show was on, but I was barely paying attention to the actors on the screen when I heard a screech. It sounded as if nails on a chalkboard were made out of air. Startled, I got up and started walking towards the door. I got close to the door and heard it again. It was coming from outside towards the woods to the left of the house. I opened the door quietly and shut it softly behind me. The frozen air stung as it reached my face. I took a beath in and it burned my throat. My body reacted by quickly closing my mouth and using my nose to heat the air before reaching my lungs. I should’ve put a jacket on.

The screech came again and I quickly turned my head to look in it’s direction and started walking. My feet barely made a dent in the packed snow on the ground. As I walked towards the trees, I could feel the silence of nature deepen around me. Not a creature was out except for me and the one that made the sound. The moon provided all the light needed as the snow reflected it and seemed to glow all around. I stopped where I thought the sound came from but I didn’t see anything anywhere. Am I hearing things?

From above me, the call came down screaming in my ears. I looked up to see the creature that made it. An owl with eyes like black beads staring down at me. Its face was outlined with brown, making the heart shape more noticeable. The brown continued down its wings and back but the stomach was white which matched the face. As the owl looked at me, it felt like it was looking into me. Into my mind and soul. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve seen in the woods. A feeling of peace and also excitement filled my body. I could feel my fingers start to tingle. The owl looked away and I stood there almost in a trance, waiting patiently. Is this real?

Suddenly, the owl called out louder than before. I didn’t mind the piercing sound it made anymore. I almost welcomed it. The stoic beast opened its wings and jumped off the branch it was perched on and gracefully flew away. As it flew in front of me, a single feather fluttered to the ground. The excitement in my stomach grew larger. I walked towards the plume, picked it up, and twisted it between my fingers making the brown and white colors blur together. Behind the beautiful colors, I could see a figure walking towards me. What should I do now?

I stopped twirling the feather and jolted my body upright sliding the feather into my pocket. As I looked up, my stomach seemed to flutter inside me. I strained to see the figure clearly as it stepped into the clearing. As my eyes adjusted, I saw his black rimmed glasses. Bright brown eyes staring directly at me.