Chocolate or Death

I found myself curled up in a ball on the floor of the fitting rooms, crying as silently as I could. The wedding was only a week away, and I couldn't find anything to wear that didn't look completely hideous. I looked disgusting, and a five hundred dollar dress wasn't going to change that.

"Are you alright in there?" the retail assistant called.

"Yup," I replied, rustling around in the pile of rejected dresses trying to find my sweater.

"Okay then," she said, sounding annoyed. She probably thought I was shoplifting. I couldn't blame her really, I did have that kind of look about me. Hungry and disheveled.

I took a tissue out of my bag, and attempted to fix my makeup.

Before pulling on my oversized sweater I pinched the skin of my upper arm. The weights I'd been doing at the gym hadn't helped at all. Urgh.

"Sorry, didn't suit me," I said as I walked towards the front of the shop.

"I'll need to check your bag," said the assistant, pointing at a sign near the door. Mandatory bag checks.

I opened my bag and she looked inside. Obviously I hadn't taken anything. Whatever.

Out on the street, people were rushing to their destinations, pulling their coats tighter around their shoulders, readjusting their scarves and beanies to have as little skin as possible exposed to the air. The winter was particularly cold this year.

It was only a short walk back to campus, where I was meeting a friend at the coffee shop.

I shook myself down physically and mentally as I entered the warm cafe, dispersing the chill from outside.

Michelle waved from across the shop and I walked over.

"Hey, any luck with the dress shopping?" she asked.

"Nah," I said, looking up at the menu behind the counter.

"Well you better get something soon," she continued, "the wedding is–"

"I know, I know," I cut her off. I didn't need her to remind me.

"Have you ordered?" I asked.

"Yeah sorry, too hungry to wait," she said guiltily.

"That's okay," I said, "I only want a coffee anyway."

I went up and ordered. I don't know why I bothered checking the menu, there weren't many options with no calories. Black tea or black coffee. I went with the coffee.

"So, your sister's wedding, how exciting!" Michelle exclaimed when I sat back down.

"I guess," I said, "I wish she didn't want me to do the speech though." I was dreading it. Having everyone stare at me.

"You'll do great, don't worry about it,"

Easier said than done.

Michelle went up to collect her food, a sandwhich and a huge slice of chocolate cake. Carbs and fat with a side of carbs. Gross. Twelve hundred calories or so, more than I ate in a week. How could she do that too herself?

I picked up my coffee and sipped it while she ate. I slid my chair out slightly, distancing myself from the food as though it were poison.

* * * * * * *

Five years later I'm sitting outdoors at a gorgeous little cafe in Paris. I'm drinking a latte and nibbling at a fresh croissant. My fiancée is sitting across from me with a slice of chocolate cake, which is what reminded me of that day at the campus cafe all those years ago.

I reach across and steal a bite of cake. Mmmm.

Things have definitely changed.

I never made it to my sister's wedding. I'd fainted at the gym the day before it and been taken to hospital. Needless to say, she was furious. But over time, she forgave me.

Looking back now, I can't believe how unhappy I was back then. It took a long time to get to where I am now, and I don't want to get into every embarrassing detail. But I did it.

I never thought I would be able to change, but now I can hardly remember what was like back then. Now I can not only physically force myself to swallow a bite of chocolate cake, I can actually enjoy it. The cake isn't even the best part. The best part is being able to enjoy activities with friends and family.

Speaking of which, our wedding is next week and my sister is flying in to Paris tomorrow. I can't wait to hear her speech…