Carbon Free Killers

“If we eliminate the ene—”

“Kill the bastards.”

“Yes, kill the combatants, sir.”

“Are we using equipment and vehicles that don’t meet the standards for CO2 emissions?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Goddamn. You have to have the new age shit just to kill a son of a bitch?”

“We’ve been working on technology that befits a cleaner earth. We can certainly destroy weapons depots and structures that support the enemy,” Marine Major General Austin Eggold told President Boone Marcel. The former had a high and tight and the latter had flowing locks. Each man stood at least six feet and Eggold and Marcel were both pavement black.

“If we can get our troops to use these solar powered Humvees, we can win both wars; the one on the ground and on the Left which seems to be encroaching.”

“I don’t like it either, Mr. President. We’re here to seek, neutralize, and destroy. What the hell does saving the planet have anything to do with it? We should be saving this country. America is in a tailspin right now and needs to right itself, sir.”

Marcel hmm’ed. He looked at the designs for the new armored vehicles.

“Wind powered?”

“Yes, sir.” Eggleton bit his lip.

“Electric powered Humvees and MRAPS? I’ll be goddamned. This whole military will turn into a farce. There are men and women in uniform fighting for their own selfish freedom in America. We’d be putting priority over their safety. I’ll be signing more letters of regret than recommendation. This madness has to stop.”

Then, the doors opened to the designer of the eco-friendly military fleet.

Eggleton looked up. “This, sir is—”

“Kario Young. New Sweden University. Graduated fourth in his class. Two PhDs one in chemistry the other in engineering. I know who you are.”

“Yes, Mr. President. My credentials precede me apparently,” Young said.

“What have you got for me?”

Young cleared his throat. “We have a great deal invested in vehicles, vessels, and aircraft that will feature the new specifications. My team and I have worked on—”

“A moment, Kario…this is all bullshit, right? This is a flower in the rifle barrel level right here, isn’t it?”

“Sir, this is revolutionary.”

“It’s unreliable and unsustainable is what it is,” Marcel retorted.

“It will cost about six hundred billion dollars to just upgrade the vehicles, not to mention remodel all of the installations to be eco-friendly.”

“To hell with all of that. I need boots on the ground, not birds in the trees. I could give a damn about a warbler unless its wings can cure cancer in human beings. These designs are unsat.”

Young looked confused.

“Unsatisfactory,” Eggleton chimed.

Young nodded silently. “Of course. Currently, the Department of Defense emits more pollution than six countries…combined. What we can do is still be effective against our foes and be environmentally conscious at the same time.”

“Kori, I hear nothing good coming from your lips.”

“I’m sorry to hear that sir,” Young admitted.

“I want a robust system of defense, not a granola chomping, bongo playing, white boy with dreadlocks type of armed forces. Is that clear, Kori Young?”

“Yes, sir.” He then motioned for his associate to display in midair a digital presentation.

“Feast your mind’s eye on this,” Young mentioned.

In the image, a hulking four wheeled behemoth spun 360°. The body looked muscular and was wide and angular in every dimension.

“This is the Ultimator. It runs on three thousand horsepower worth of fossil fuel. It is protected by eight inch armor plates and has lasers on the turret and the sides. The glass is also eight inch thick. The tires can go 100 miles on a flat. This was our alternative, just in case you objected to the first idea. We thought we’d float this one by you.”

“Now, we can discuss the budget,” President Marcel declared.