Bricks

Coming up to two and a half years since Sarah and Kevin met. They were sitting across the dining table at their own small Christmas celebration, just the two of them. There was a small tree in the background, with presents under it. Presents that include those shipped from family far away and still not visited during the Holidays. Dinner represented cuisine favorites from two different cultures. A bottle of wine was popped open and a toast made to surviving another year of the pandemic. They were a pandemic couple of sorts. Having met the fall before the start of the pandemic, the core of Sarah and Kevin’s relationship was built in the anxiety laden years that followed. They weren’t one of those adventurous couples who threw their hands up in the air and moved in together because why not (only probably to realize why pretty soon after). They were however one of those adventurous couples who with little and no experience disappeared into the forest for a few days because what else was one to do in a pandemic. They tried to date normally through it all although that concept didn’t hold its own for very long. They became each other’s tight pandemic circle. Bouncing off of each other their crazy attempts to define a new way of being. While everything around them lost all stability, they clung on to a relationship that was young and fragile and made it their mode of survival. It would be illusory to say that their bond didn’t benefit from the sudden exclusive reliance on each other.

There was nothing special about the way they met. They lived in a city ranked the worst for dating. Sarah had brazenly been one of the loudest observers of the fact for the two years she had traversed the online dating world. But as is true of most things in life, one only sees a ray of hope after considerable time sweltering in defeat. It’s what has separated the stupidly stubborn from the prematurely rational. They planned to have for their first date a walk in a big city park. It was definitely a higher level of first date commitment than either had ever signed up for but they had agreed that a park provided enough exit options. From that day on started a roller coaster ride of deep attachment and deep doubts. Coming from different backgrounds and ideas of their future but with uncanny similar personalities, they couldn’t figure out where to draw the line between ‘no way did I really meet someone with whom I can just be’ and ‘trust me to meet someone with whom I have no idea what the future would look like’. And so, it went back and forth, neither finding enough strength to choose either direction. And then, like for everyone else, the world chose a direction for them, they just made the obvious decision to follow without projecting too much of their own smarts.

Sarah was a mental health therapist in a university. She had been working remotely since the start of the pandemic. Kevin was a regional manager for a coffee chain. They faced very different work challenges due to the pandemic. Sarah became busier than ever before with more students signing up for counseling. But while her work grew, she knew it also suffered. She constantly felt guilty about not being able to connect as well with her students as she did in person. This left her torn because on one hand she was grateful that online counseling had opened up more opportunities for students but it also left her feeling less effective in each conversation. Kevin on the other hand had had locations shut down and work drop. His struggle had been to see to the long-term survival of the remaining coffee shops. He, to Sarah’s chagrin, after all his efforts in ensuring the staff’s safety and well-being, had focused on the bottom-line consequences for the branch while Sarah had forgotten any bottom-line and was obsessed with the daily self-care routines of her students. Their conversations on work were simultaneously challenging and grounding to each other. He was anticipating significant career changes that were imminent from the turn of events. She found herself engaged on a deeper level in her work than she had felt in years. Somehow, all this had put the question of whether they were right for each other on the back burner. Other things seemed more pressing. Navigating serious career changes being just one of the pressing issues. Both their families were far away and the time away from them had accumulated for a length unfathomable for two people as close to their parents as Sarah and Kevin. Sharing that common nagging concern for their families had made them more mindful of each other’s roots than casual conversations would ever have accomplished. It was equally the long, comfort seeking conversations as much as the short snaps resulting from anxiety that spoke louder than deliberate words of attachment to their families. And that source of comfort seeking became more and more concentrated with the imposed isolation that was brutal to their thrill-seeking millennial minds. In some ways, the fact that they didn’t drive each other to madness witnessing each other’s feeble though lasting attempts to deal with the upheaval of their fortresses was something of a marvel. It might be the foundation of their relationship.

Kevin and Sarah were as similar to each other as different. He was outgoing at times when she would find strength in being a fly on the wall and then he was reticent at times when she could not curb her enthusiasm. He was magnetic at his workplace; she was the quiet beaver at hers. When it came to doing things together, his head was in planning it to perfection and she was delirious in the moment. When it came to a new exploration, her mind burst with curiosity and eagerness and his calculated the ins and outs and the consequences. When it came to a long-term idea, he was engaged in depth, shaping it, and she was the absorber, providing a critique here and a nod there. In some ways they pulled each other forward in their own direction and in other ways they tapped each other on the shoulder to reign it in a bit. They came from very different cultures, different childhood environments, different life changing events at those crucial ages. They had different traditions, different habits and different ways of expressing emotions. And yet, as much as they looked quizzically at each other’s approach to everyday things, when it came to their core view of life and themselves, after removing all the pretty lacy layers, they were like two gloves of a pair. It was hard to say what would keep them together and what would be their downfall. They might build a deep foundation but the bricks on top would likely still sit disjointed and lopsided. As is usual in dating in this age, the alignment of the bricks tended to weigh more heavily in the decision of partnering up. Maybe they would have ultimately taken the higher road but that would remain a hypothetical with the pandemic forcing attention away from the bricks.

The fact that being thrown into a two-person bubble might be the reason they actually built a stronger partnership than in any parallel universe was most stark to them on the weekend of June 25th 2021, when the apocalypse of their lives dropped on its head. Rather the apocalypse of their lives that started as an ostrich with his head in the ground in March 2020 dug its way in to butt deep. They were high on adrenaline after returning from their backpacking trip, the first real break from the monotony of the past year. They were novice backpackers and the fact that they had returned with all fingers and toes and their hair still on their heads was a victory well worth relishing. They immediately started planning another trip, trying to stretch their beginner’s luck and escape from the somber reality around them. But they had run out and there followed a convoluted mix of unfortunate events that fell like a pack of bricks.

It all began right from the start of their trip. The morning of, Kevin got an email from his manager conveying that they were likely going to close two of the remaining four coffee shops in his branch and a meeting was being called on Monday to make a decision. Frustrated though not completely taken by surprise, Kevin decided to not let it stop their trip and pushed on albeit with much muted enthusiasm. While driving, they discussed how Sarah had always been optimistic about the accuracy of the weather forecasts and Kevin had always played the devil’s advocate. This time his side won hands down. Expecting clear skies, they drove in misty rain. Still with the forecast being reasonable, they decided to keep going. They were clearly not believers in interpreting signs. Another way of recognizing the stupidly stubborn. As soon as they arrived at the trail head and Sarah put on her backpack, she realized she had forgotten her hiking poles. As any aspiring but not quite in-shape hiker would attest, forgotten poles on a hike with moderate elevation is a bad omen. This was literally strike three and any misfortunes from now on were to be squarely blamed on their decision making. Trudging up with their backpacks, without poles, with misty rain in their eyes, this seemed much less fun than their previous trip. Finally, after three hours and a steadily slowing pace, they arrived at their camp site close to dusk. They scanned all the camp sites but even though they had a permit, all the sites were taken. Clearly, there were some squatters but who were they and how were Sarah and Kevin to make them pack up and head out into the wilderness as punishment. Knowing there was a smaller camp site a couple of miles further, they pushed on out of beginners’ shyness. They arrived well past sunset, drenched in cold and hunger and mist, to find multiple vacant sites but without a single outhouse. Hence, began their ritual of boiling water for dehydrated food with freezing cold hands and this time followed by digging holes behind a tree. The dehydrated food was God sent and if it were up to the two of them, it would easily have been awarded a Michelin star. The escapades behind the tree could have benefited from an upgrade. They got into the tent as quickly as they could. It was cold and wet and they wore maybe twice the number of layers than expected. There were no romantic cuddles, no deep conversations triggered by the night sky, no kisses of affection. There were some shivers followed soon by many broken snores. When they woke up, it was still raining and their stubborn will was finally broken. They packed up to head back to the car, cutting their trip short by more than half. Some thirty minutes from the trail head, Sarah slipped on wet loose mud and went down, backpack and all, with her hands flailing foolishly without any poles that could have prevented her fall and now also unable to break it. Her head hit a tree branch face first and added a splash of red to the depressing grey. With multiple small band-aids, holding a shirt to her head and walking even more unsteadily, she and Kevin finally made it out to the parking lot. Only a fellow backpacker can understand that there are times when the parking lot is the most beautiful place on earth and other times when it symbolizes everything that is wrong with one’s life. This moment for Sarah and Kevin was thoroughly wrapped around the first sentiment. Given the cut on her head and their panicked reaction, they were going to stop over at the clinic on the way home. Slowly, after a few minutes of driving, there grew a suspicion that they might not be breathing in pure oxygen. Finding it strange but still happy to be in a man-made, controlled environment they continued driving towards their warm homes. The visibility started to fall soon after. As soon as they entered cellular range, their phones burst with messages telling them of thick wildfire smoke covering their entire city and surroundings. They were driving straight into the thick of it all. So much for their illusion of a man-controlled environment. It felt like nothing had been in control as far back as the mind was now able to stretch. The traffic of the unfortunates driving into the smoke rather than away from it, grew fatter and slower and meaner. Whether it was the traffic or the mix of smoke in the brain, but there was not one person on the highway who didn’t want to either stop his car and walk away into nothingness or ram his car down the highway and care not about what lay behind him.

They finally made it to the emergency room and while waiting for a verdict, Sarah got a call from her parents. They had recently had a visit from their cousins who stayed a few miles away. Though her parents were vaccinated and exercised reasonable caution, their cousins felt differently about how the pandemic impacted them. Now this small ease of caution after fifteen months was going to prove to be mistake. The cousins had tested positive two days after their visit. This was the first time they had fallen sick and the blame was likely being passed around like the virus. Her parents were now sick with worry and real or imagined symptoms. They were trying to get a test. While there were plenty of vaccines that were going unwanted in their area, for some reason, there weren’t enough tests for those who wanted them. This was hardly the time to tell them that their daughter was in the emergency room potentially needing stitches. Instead, Kevin and Sarah started a frenzied online search for tests while monitoring the forehead cut. All with the backdrop of going home to a smoky apartment and Kevin losing half his branches on Monday. The last fact likely did not succeed in claiming much space in either brain’s real estate anymore.

After a normal wait time by emergency room standards, Sarah was given stitches on her forehead and advised to stay with someone for at least 24 hours. Stitched and bandaged, they headed back to Kevin’s home. Neither one of them had an AC or an air purifier and it was too late in the night to shop for one. They sealed off doors and windows and settled down in the room that seemed to have the cleanest air. It was bearable but just about. Next morning, having fitfully passed a suffocating night following the previous sleep deprived freezing night, they agreed it had definitely crossed the bearable line and they would need to find an air purifier. However, true to the apocalyptic trend, all air purifiers were sold out. They sat at the dining table eating their eggs, two hours before Kevin had to log into the ill-fated meeting, one person searching for any air purifier that could be snagged and the other still searching for COVID testing options, when a gentle tapping sound came from behind them. Tap, silence, tap, tap. A lot of careful placing and maneuvering of the ears convinced Kevin that a bird was stuck in his kitchen wall. He stood up, hands on his hips, his head tilted down in thought as he contemplated the present moment. Maybe if he stood still and didn’t move, any other mishap would quietly pass by. A call from Sarah’s parents broke the stupor. While she took the call, he called his emergency maintenance. Her parents had finally found a clinic that could test them and they were on their way. Slightly relieved, she took over the wall with her ears and tried to imagine the confusion of the bird who was having as bad a day, if not worse, as them. The emergency crew was quick to arrive. A long and detailed discussion followed on the low likelihood but very real possibility of such an event while Sarah tried yet again to find an air-purifier. She heard the maintenance crew suggest that the bird be left alone considering the damage it would cause to try and rescue it and Kevin telling them that that was clearly not an option. This was followed by a discussion on the potential cost of breaking open the wall. This cost would have to be estimated by the landlord and could take a day. A whole day of a poor bird tapping away in darkness and possibly breathing in even more smoke than them. Kevin told them to bust it open regardless of the cost and they shrugged their shoulders and got to it. Sarah timed sending him the one and only air purifier left in a 30-mile radius just as he finalized the decision to spend hundreds of dollars to rescue the rather directionally challenged bird. He didn’t have time to collect the air purifier before his meeting, so she bought it online and scheduled a pick-up time. Having taken a sick day off herself, she found navigating crises in a place that was not her own a little disconcerting. She was realizing how much a place not being one’s own influenced how one acted. She was second in chief here and while she didn’t mind it, it was a very apparent and constant feeling. She tried to stay away from the loud destruction of the kitchen wall and also tried to stay away from Kevin taking his meeting. She had been sitting and drinking her coffee and waiting for news from her parents for close to an hour when she heard Kevin exclaim. ‘Well, John, I have presented all the facts. I believe it is a mistake to close both branches together at once. I also believe at least one of them will be viable. But honestly, I have a girlfriend in the next room with stitches in her head, birds trapped in my walls, men with sledgehammers in my kitchen, my house filled with smoke, parents driving around like mad possibly infected with COVID and I am functioning on two sleepless nights. So, I really don’t have anything more helpful to say than what I have already said, that this would be a regretted move in my opinion.’ A minute later, he poked his head in to check on her and left to pick up the air purifier. Shortly, the maintenance crew let her know they were done and gave her a look with the ‘I told you so’ nod as she took in the mess that was left behind after the bird had flown away carefree, oblivious to the destruction it had left in its path. Thanking them, she cleaned up as much as she could. Her parents called soon after with news that they had taken the test and were home now expecting the results the next day. They went over any symptoms and decided to pause their anxiety till the next day. An hour later, Kevin returned and installed the air purifier. Soon after, they were both napping on the couch like babies.

They woke up in the late evening to a more breathable house. An email from the landlord put the estimate of the busted wall at $600. A long conversation would be pursued later as to who was responsible for paying it. Kevin learnt his manager had actually listened to him and closed only one branch. They both had been so-so on him even having a job let alone his manager taking his advice. It was still a blow to Kevin’s career but they celebrated averted loss as a small success. As the biggest relief, Sarah’s parents’ test results came back early as negative. If those results had come back positive, she would have smacked that ostrich butt so hard, it would have found itself half way across the country as she would have herself in order to take care of her parents. With her stitches barely registering in her mind anymore and all the events reaching some sort of a resting point, could it be that they had made it to the other side of the mountain? They picked up Thai food and processed it down to the last water chestnut to leave spotless plates, understandably since they had forgotten to have lunch. Adjusting to a slower evening after running around like mice on high energy drinks, they lounged on the couch and drifted into their usual mode of being with each other. By bed time, they had recovered enough to start subtly acknowledging their different preferences though just the trivial ones. The big ones were reserved to take up many hours of rumination and communication. The small ones revolved around things like sleeping arrangements, the temperature of the bedroom, the open or shut status of the windows. One person wanting to be toasty and the other cool as a cucumber, there wasn’t a satisfactory balance to be achieved. Most of the sleepovers involved him nudging her to the other end of the bed and her constantly pulling the blankets to create a cocoon for herself. However, temperature preferences had nothing on the sleep debt from the last two nights even with the afternoon nap. This can they would happily kick down the road.

Next day, with the smoke all but gone, Kevin dropped Sarah home and she immediately found her poles and placed them in a more obvious place, hoping it would make it harder to forget. The weekend had been a test and they had at least managed a passing grade. While it had felt essential to have each other around when fending one disaster after another, it was also nice to go back into their own spots and sink into the quietness that tends to follow a mayhem. They both needed this and they were both happy to let the other person claim it for themselves. The combination of closeness and distance was crucial to their sanity. But more crucial was the natural way in which they had dealt with the challenges together. In hindsight, it was clearer to both how they had complemented each other, staying focused and picking up the pieces where they were left off by the other person. There hadn’t been any judgement, abandonment or attitude. They both had felt imperfect and had tried making themselves capable. They saw that in themselves and in each other and instinctively let the other step in for their insecurities. On some level the individual helplessness they had felt in conquering the pandemic had created a sense of humility that allowed them to be more receptive of support. They only realized this later, sitting in their individual homes, letting their grey cells make sense of it without any disturbances. It also subtly grew on them that these moments of solitary thought spent on the relationship were sometimes as important as the moments they spent together creating fodder for thought. They eventually decided for themselves that the collaborative part of their survival deserved more than a passing grade.

The ostrich remained with its head in the ground. Sometimes, he dug in neck deep or even shoulder deep. Every now and then, they brought him back up a bit, but mostly they learnt to walk together around him and sometimes they went into the forest to escape him.