Beloved

A young girl holds her mother's free hand with both of her little ones. The mother and daughter's blond hair contrast against their black outfits. The flowers the mother is holding shouldn't be the only bright objects on this spring day. They remind me of when I first came here with my mother to bury my little sister. I sit and watch in silence on top of the cemetery hill as the woman places a beautiful bouquet of bright orange and yellow flowers on top of a fresh grave. The dirt is still moist with grass seeds sitting on top. The grave signifies where her husband is buried. The headstone probably reads, "Beloved Husband and Father." Not that I can read it from my perch on the hill.

The sun beats down on my face and the scent of freshly cut grass fills my nostrils. To me it is not a gloomy day at all, but for them I cannot say the same. It is past my time for grieving, but theirs has just begun. The young girl and her mother stay for about a half an hour or so, and I watch mesmerized by how the little girl does not seem to get impatient. Before they leave the girl kisses the headstone and whispers something that only the wind is able to pick up, "I'll see you soon daddy."

I look back down at my sister's headstone and start to shake my head. Nothing was ever perfect between us, and my yelling at her never helped. When I visit her every Saturday, I swear to myself that things would be different if she were still here. Honestly though, I know deep down that if she were still alive everything would be the same as it was.

We would still be fighting, and taking each other’s things, and I wouldn't be sitting here, my back against her headstone, thinking about how much I miss her being here. I come here every Saturday to try to clear my mind, but most of the time I can't help but think that my sister is a permanent resident here because of me. Some days, I torture myself with thoughts like these. It’s hard to take a step back and not blame myself for her absence.

I twirl some grass through my fingers and cringe as the memories come flooding back to me. Magazine in hand, I was lying on my bed while trying to help my younger sister Riley get ready for her first big high school party. Riley was twirling in front of the mirror with my junior year prom dress on. I let a giggle escape my lips. She looked so ridiculous in the dress. It was a good color on her. Its rosy pink color suited her skin tone perfectly; it's just that she wasn't able to keep the dress up because her hips and chest were way too small for her own good. In a couple years, it would have fit her perfectly.

She stopped looking at herself in the mirror and turned to face me, "What's so funny?" She asks.

"Riley... the dress is too big."

She stared at me as if I had said something crazy. "You're kidding right?" Looking back down at the magazine I didn't answer. "You're just jealous because I got invited to the party and you didn't." If she were still eight years old, she would have been sticking her tongue out at me.

She knew I was right though. What she didn't know, was that I was invited to the party. I was actually invited to the party long before she was. Knowing she was eventually going to be invited I declined the invite. I wanted her to have her first high school party experience without her protective older sister hovering and watching her every move. Besides, I wasn’t as social as she was. It wouldn’t have even been enjoyable for me.

I asked her if she would like to try on my freshman winter formal dress. It was a lot less outrageous than a prom dress. More suitable for a party. She gave one last look in the mirror and nodded. Smiling to myself I walked to the back of my closet and grabbed my old blue and white winter formal dress. My favorite dress ever. When I walked out holding the delicate dress.

She ran over to me and ripped it out of my hands, tearing the straps in the process. She automatically dropped the dress and covered her mouth with her hands. A pure look of terror crossed her face, “Oh my gosh. I'm so sorry Amy." She sputtered over and over. Her apologies meant nothing to me.

Anger took over and it was so forceful at first, I couldn't move or say anything. After a couple seconds, I was finally able to breathe out some words. What did you just do?" It barely came out as a whisper.

That's how Riley knew I was mad. "Amy, I'm serious, I didn't mean..." I didn't let her finish before I said, "Get out of my room." When she didn't move, I continued with, "Get out right now you careless rat! Don't you have anything better to than ruining my things? If you're so popular why didn't you just have one of your stuck up, snooty friends lend you a dress? You could have even spent your own damn money on a dress instead of ruining one of mine!" My breaths were coming in hard and labored after yelling at her.

Before she left the room, she stared at me with her big blue does eyes. She mumbled a quick, "I said I was sorry." Then, was out of my room in a flash. I sighed and sat on my bed cradling the dress in my arms. A small tear escaped me.

The dress meant so much to me. My grandmother and I had been out shopping for my first high school dance. We had been looking all day for a dress when finally, we stepped into an old thrift store. I hated the smell of thrift stores. The air was always stale. Thick wafts of dust rose into the air every time you touched something. So, I wasn’t very hopeful walking in.

It was a spaghetti strap and it was hanging in the way back of the dress rack, covered by old poofy atrocities. It was left there, forgotten. It was there for me and only me. It was a beautiful dress. White on the top fading into a baby blue bottom with silver patterns embroidered at the base. It was silky and loose fitted. I was so surprised nobody had taken it already.

It was a size four. Perfect for my petite short frame. I knew it was going to fit, but my grandma made me try it on anyways. Just like I thought, it was a perfect match, lining my curves, or lack of, unbelievably. The light blue brought out my eyes and I felt so beautiful. It was the first time in long time where I actually felt good about myself. My grandma purchased it for me, and I am forever grateful. She was never very well off, but she wanted to do this one thing for me.

She never had the chance to see me wear it though. A week before the dance she was bed ridden with pneumonia. Not too long after the dance, she died of the disease. I was heartbroken and the only personal mementos I had left of hers were a charm bracelet she had given me and the dress she bought for me that day.

That is why the dress meant so much to me and Riley knew it. It might seem ridiculous the way I reacted. Maybe I shouldn't have been so harsh on her, she didn't mean to break it and it wasn't that difficult to sew it back together. Except, in that moment nothing felt better than being mad. Folding the dress in my lap I heard a knock on the door.

I opened it and find Riley wearing her homecoming dress from a couple weeks prior. Her hair was curled loosely and sprayed with glitter and her makeup was a little harsh. She was trying to be a little edgy. It worked for her. She looked beautiful. Of course, I didn’t tell her that. "I'm heading out, Susan is picking me up."

I was still so angry. All I could do was give her a slight nod. My mom was away on a business trip; she didn't even know I was letting Riley go to this party. Susan was on the basketball team with her. She was a little older than Riley, but overall a good kid. Riley closed the door gently behind her. I listened intently waiting for the sound of the front door to open and close. Once I knew she was gone I picked up my cell and called Jason.

Jason was my boyfriend of two years. Everybody claimed we were going to marry each other. I on the other hand, was doubtful. Yeah, he's everything a girl could dream of, he just wasn't the one. You know, the guy you look at and just feel you are supposed to be with him? I didn't have that with Jason. Yeah, he was charming, smart, athletic, handsome, basically perfect, but he was too close to perfect. He never felt real half the time.

I heard a quick shuffling through the other line before Jason answered with a, "Hello?"

"Hey, you wanna come over? Nobody is home tonight."

I could practically hear him smiling through the phone, "Yeah, I'll be over in about fifteen minutes."

After we hung up, I texted Riley to tell her she needed to call me every hour to make sure she was okay and be home by 1:00a.m. Then, I included a text that read, “No drinking or drugs allowed!!!” She didn't reply, but I assumed she would obey for the calls; she always did.

Fifteen minutes later I heard the doorbell ring. Right on queue. I thought to myself. I let Jason inside and we headed upstairs to my room. I didn't feel like doing anything special that night, so I popped in a movie and we laid down on my bed. I curled up into his arms, but it wasn't enough to keep me awake. I fell asleep within the first ten minutes of the movie.

The sharp ring of the house phone brought me out of my sleep. I hopped off my bed so fast it gave me a headache. The house phone usually meant my mother, or a stranger was calling. I was hoping it was Riley. I hadn’t checked my cell phone all night, so I figured she must be worried. Jason was passed out on the other sided the bed. The ringing didn’t bother him. I didn't have time to think about him and sprinted down to the telephone.

"Hello?" I asked into the phone, slightly out of breath.

"Hi, is there a Kate Wagner home?" A woman, who was not Riley, was on the other line.

"No there is not, she won't be available this weekend. May I ask who’s calling?"

"Yes, this is Bethany Hopkins from St. Mary's hospital. I'm afraid there has been an accident involving Riley Wagner and a couple of her friends. They were traveling down Interstate 25 when a car sideswiped them. I need a family member to come be with Riley at this time and then I can provide further details." Shock is the only thing I feel in that moment.

Sadness and anger didn't have time to take hold, because I was not completely sure what was going on. I didn’t know how to react. I didn’t say anything immediately, because my mind was still trying to process what was happening. It was about the tenth, "Hello?" from the woman when I was finally able to answer.

"I'll be right there.” Is what I told her.

"Thank you. You’ll have to check in at the visitor’s desk." Then, she hung up. I stood there with the phone to my ear a couple more minutes, the busy tone singing, trying to grasp what was going on. Then, I sprinted up the stairs to Jason. Vigorously, I tapped him on the shoulder until he woke up. He rolled over to face me and opened his eyes. "What time is it?" He asked groggily.

"It doesn't matter. Riley is in the hospital, will you please come with me?" Automatically, he jumped off my bed and ran downstairs without even asking any questions. He had his shoes on and keys in his hands before I could even meet him to the front door.

"Is that a yes?" He wrapped me in his arms and whispered, "Of course I'll go with you,” with his chin resting on my forehead.

Tears stained my cheeks and his shirt. I pulled out of his hug. "Thank you." I opened the door and a chill settled over me. It was freezing out and I didn't have a jacket. Jason looked at me and asked me if I wanted to wait inside while he warmed up the truck. I didn't answer and instead got into the passenger's seat.

A few seconds after I shut my door, he opened his. The car started up and he slowly pulled out of the driveway while asking me where to go. The car ride seemed to take forever, even though the hospital was only fifteen minutes away. When we got there, Jason dropped me off at the front of the ER entrance while he went and parked the car.

It took me a couple of seconds to compel myself to go inside. There was a security guard and an elderly lady sitting behind the front desk. I tried to walk through the second set of double doors, but they stopped me. The security guard walked over to me and said, "Miss, you need to sign in if you have an emergency."

"I'm just here to see my sister."

He gave a small smile. "You still have to sign in Miss." He put a light hand on my upper back and led me over to the lady at the front desk.

She shoved a clipboard under my nose, just as Jason walked in. He came over and put an arm around my waist. "You two are both family members correct?"

Jason and I glanced at each other; I couldn't speak, so Jason answered for me. "Yes, we are both here to see our sister." She gave us a hard look and Jason dropped his arm from around my waist. She smiled, she knew we weren't really brother and sister, but she let us sign in anyways.

"Riley Wagner? Oh yes, very tragic." She mumbled to herself. A couple minutes later a nurse came to get us.

She took us through the double doors into a bright, white hallway. We passed many doors and went through an array of hallways until we were standing in front of a door with the number 301 etched into a brass plate. The young nurse didn’t open the door right away. “Riley is in a critical state. She just went through emergency surgery. She had some internal bleeding on the brain that a neurosurgeon was able to get under control. Her head is still bandaged. She is not awake. She needs an oxygen mask and is being administered some fluids through an IV in her hand.”

I fell back into Jason a little. I struggled to breathe. He placed a firm hand on my shoulder, steading me. “The doctor will explain more shortly, but you should see her immediately, just in case.”

With a small click, she pulled the door towards us and we stepped inside. At first, I couldn't see anything. A curtain was obscuring her. There was a lot of beeping and whirring noises. Jason stayed behind me as I walked over and pulled the curtain back.

As soon as the curtain was no longer there I wanted to scream. Tears slipped down my cheek repeatedly without any control.

Riley was lying on the bed, except the person there didn't resemble Riley at all. Her head was wrapped in gauze and I could see the blood it was trying to keep contained. IVs were bringing liquids into her arm and there was a heart rate monitor next to her. An oxygen mask was strapped to her face, all sorts of tubes and cables were attached to her. It was a scary sight to see.

I walked over to Riley and caressed her cheek. She had deep gashes everywhere on her arms and face that had barely stopped bleeding through the stiches. I didn’t want to see what was under the blanket. As soon as I touched her, her eyes seemed to move underneath her closed lids.

Not too long after, a tall Korean woman was standing in the doorway with a pen and clipboard in her hands. She hadn’t looked up to see Jason and me yet, but when she eventually did there wasn’t a friendly look occupying her face. “What are you doing in here?’ She asked.

The nurse looked embarrassed. She clearly wasn’t supposed to bring us back there. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks and it was hard to speak.

“We’re here to see my sister.” I tried explaining.

The nurse stepped in. “I felt the need to bring them here, given Riley’s current condition.”

Her scowl didn’t subside. “They are not supposed to be in here.”

“Yes ma’am, I am aware. I will bring them back out to the waiting room.” The nurse said sheepishly.

I went over to the doctor, I presumed, and looked her directly in the eyes. “I am not going to leave her.” Unexpectedly, the heart rate monitor started blaring. The doctor pushed past me and ran directly to the bed. She placed a firm hand on Riley chest and yelled, “Her heart rate is spiking.” The nurse pressed a large red button the wall next to Riley’s bed.

Not too long after, a couple of doctors and nurses came running in through the door. Jason and I huddled together in a corner, out of the way of the commotion. They paid no attention to us and attended solely to Riley. They injected different things into Riley’s IV bag. Eventually, her heartrate slowed, but I was still in a state of shock.

The doctors looked at me with sadness in their eyes, no more hostility. “It might be best to say your goodbyes. Riley has a lot of internal bleeding.” The Korean doctor told me.

“What are you talking about she looks almost fine? Her head is better isn’t it?”

“On the outside yes, on the inside she’s anything but. Her head is okay. But she has several shattered ribs and some of the particles were blown into some of her organs. She is bleeding uncontrollably, and we cannot have emergency surgery, her heart rate is too out of control. Even if we do get in there, it will be hard to pinpoint where the pieces are even with our equipment. We are going to move her surgery now, but we don’t know how easy it will be.”

“She needs to be fixed. I need to take her home. I need to help her!”

The doctor put her hands on my shoulders. “I can assure you we are doing the best we can.”

As we were talking, the doctors and nurses started to rush her out of the room. “Wait! Let me tell her I love her!”

The doctors did as they were told. All of them looked miserable. “Hey Riles, I’m here now.” There was no response from Riley. “I’m so sorry Riley, for everything.” I started to sob uncontrollably. “Riley, I love you so much. You need to know that.” There was still no movement form her, but I swear she tried to flutter her eyes open. “Riley?” Still, there was no answer from her. “Riley please. I love you, please wake up.”

After I said this, the heartrate monitor started to beep uncontrollably again. The doctors immediately rushed her down the hallway and into a large elevator. Jason had to hold me back from racing after them.

I fell to the ground after the elevator doors closed behind them. Jason kneeled down next to me. I pounded and pounded on the floor until my hands were red and sore. A different nurse walked down the hallway and spotted us. “You need to be in the waiting room my dears.”

Everything was blurry and I didn’t know what I was doing. My body stood up, but my mind wasn’t with it. By the time we got to the waiting room my body felt numb. I couldn’t even tell you how I got there.

Thirty minutes passed, and then an hour passed. I ended up falling asleep in Jason’s arms. He was crying silently. I had never seen him cry before. He was trying to be strong for me, but it wasn’t working. Riley was like a little sister to him.

When I woke up, Jason’s parents were sitting in the chairs opposite of us. A small bit of sunlight was shiny through the windows behind me. Almost everything was silent, the only sounds were the buzzing of lights and an occasional cough.

The silence was eventually interrupted by footsteps coming from one of the hallways. The Korean woman, who I came to know has Dr. Park, came to stand before us. When I saw her, I practically jumped out of my seat. “How is she?” I asked.

A pure look of sorrow swept over her. “I’m so sorry.”

I hop out of my trance and stare back across the cemetery. A small ounce of sadness is awakened inside of me. The woman and child are long gone. Everything is still bright and cheerful outside. The flowers around me fill the air with a comfortable scent. Birds are chirping in the canopies above. I don’t let it bother me for long. I want to enjoy the beautiful warm day with happy thoughts of my sister.

We buried her with my blue and white dress. I wish I could have seen her wear it alive. The only way I could let go of Riley, was by letting go of that dress. I close my eyes and rest my head against her headstone. I daydream of Riley wearing the dress with a smile on her face and joy in her eyes, frolicking in the grass around me.