Ballerina Bunker

Thick fog off the mountains had too much smoke, and even with my mask on, I began to hack up a lung. I started down a different path to the bunker. Change it up so I don’t leave a trail. I pulled and tugged at the submarine latch that led to our bunker home. My stomach felt like a knife was being plunged, and it gurgled.

The thought of you kept me going, and for a moment, you sat there on the bed in your warm-up leggings and point shoes. I rub my eyes. Are you here? We were dancers once. I thought I would be a dancer on Broadway forever, or we’d have our own studio. I raised my arms above my head, softly tiptoed down the stairs leading to our layer, and leaped off the last step through the air. Yes, I still got it, but it doesn’t matter anymore. No one is left to see what I can do. I take my bow anyway.

A rumble like a bomb shook the room. My body began to shake, and my chest tightened. I was fearful a bomb would find our safe place, but I was safe. The useless bed on worn-down scrap wood I found looked inviting. I never thought I’d be here without you. On the yellow wall above our bed, the pictures of us are falling off the walls now. I grab more duct tape and make them sticky on the back again. I miss the outline of your face. My finger traces your lips.

The flashes of lightning come through the air whole, and the golden heart locket glistens from the hook it stays on now. It whispers to me, and I open it again. The pictures are so faded inside I can’t see your eyes anymore, just the outline of us.

We were at the beach like any other day. The sand squishing between our toes. It had been a typical day of waking up in your arms and our morning coffee. We were on a company break, but rehearsals would start again soon. I held your hand with our Labs running and barking in the waves. Your jasmine perfume fills my mind with late-night memories. The world was falling apart around us, but how could we care.

You let go of my hand and stopped to call the dogs raising your hand to block the sunlight from your eyes as though it could make you see further into the ocean. You turned back to me smiling, and I grabbed your hand and put the heart-shaped locket in your palm, the chain laced in your fingers. You opened it slowly. Your big brown curls catch every ounce of golden light coming down.

“Will you dance with me forever?” I said, now down on one knee and tears in your eyes. You said, “Yes! I can’t wait to dance forever with you.” It was the best day at the beach. I can’t believe we had ten years together, and today, it seems like two lifetimes ago.

I lay down, wondering what our children would have looked like as our dogs' collars hung above me, protecting me each night. The picture of us and all our friends on our wedding day hangs still in a frame. I was never more proud to make you my wife, even if your parents never gave me their blessing.

The place is covered in dirt and leaves, I say to the picture. You’d never live like this, not now. It would be too hard after the beautiful cliffside house we had. I’m glad I was scared, and I built this even when you asked me to stop, even when you said I was silly and spending too much time on the bunker. The dog beds are empty in the corner, and your bag covered in blood is still there.

We both knew the end was coming in a blaze, but you had always planned on going out another way. You never wanted to live here with me. I wasn’t enough for you in the end. You had to have an everyday life, too. Being in small spaces didn’t work for you. But for me, all I needed was you. I pull out Pride and Prejudice, the cloth cover tattered. Your favorite book, but I won't read it out loud tonight, dear. I don’t feel like it.

I interlock the chain and hold the locket while I read until I fall asleep. It’s so boring I fall asleep fast. I whisper in the dark, I never understood why you loved this book so much. I always felt like we were more like Elizabeth and her best friend. Oh, wouldn’t that have been something if they ended up together instead? Darcy was always so mean and stuck up, like when I met you. Maybe that is why even the dogs had to be named after Austen characters.

I wake to a pounding at the door. The lights are off. I hope they go away because I’m out of bullets, and I don’t feel I could defend myself with a knife today. I don’t know why I keep talking to you, Scarlet when I know you are dead, but it makes me feel like I get a piece of me back.

I instantly fall back asleep again to try and ignore the hunger that pains me deeply now. I need to go looking for food again, but not right now. I want to hold you, my beautiful ballerina Scarlet. I grab the locket and hold it tight to my face hugging the pillow as I sleep. Then I feel your arms fold around me.