Baldy and the Two Bears

There, within sight of the western shore they looked down towards the Dead Sea and then stopped to pray.

The Prophet Elijah and his servant Elisha entered the circle of standing stones at Gilgal and they lay prostrate, with their faces in the dust and they listened for the LORD in the silence of their hearts.

And when Elijah rose, he looked out on the shimmering wastes of the Dead Sea.

A wind was rising up from the East and it carried with it the smell of sulfur carried from the ripples of those dead waters.

And a wind fell too from the ridge behind them to the West, and it was fresh and clean.

And the winds came also from the South and from the North, and the four winds met in a circle around the standing stones of Gilgal and the sands were whipped into the air to rise like a wall and obscure all the world and all the skies.

Then Elisha cried out in fear, but Elijah shouted over the roar of the storm, "Soon I will be taken to the LORD. Be not afraid! You may stay here, and I will go on alone to meet my death."

But the sun was rising and now Elisha took courage. He wiped the dust from his brow and said: "No master, I will not abandon you. As the LORD lives, I am your servant and I will accompany you till the end."

So they journeyed down the slopes, towards the town of Bethel and the prophets who kept vigil there saw their approach. They came to them at the foot of the hills and the prophets asked Elisha, "Are you aware, today is a marked day? The LORD will retrieve your master soon, and take him unto His breast."

And Elisha was already saddled with grief and his fear was creeping back upon him, so he said, "Yes I know, let us be silent."

For he did not want to talk about it.

Again Elijah approached him. "Elisha, I can feel it in my bones, the LORD will take me soon. Do not fear-- I am ready! I shall go on to Jericho to meet my end, you may stay behind if you wish."

And again Elisha refused, saying: "As sure as our LORD lives, I will accompany you right to the end."

So they left Bethel and made North towards Jericho. And they were hounded and chased by the winds, and the sands whipped against their feet.

But they beat the path forward and all the deserts of the world rolled on before them.

And through the storm they saw the great walls of Jericho and the prophets of the city came to them and said to Elisha, "Elisha, we have been listening and the LORD has made it known that soon He will take your master unto Him."

And Elisha said, "Yes, it will be so. Let us be still, we do not need to talk about it."

But Elisha was still scared.

Elijah placed his withered hands upon Elisha's head and said, "The LORD calls me on to the river. I shall go to the Jordan. Do not worry. Stay here, please."

But Elisha said through his trembling: "No master, I will remain by your side until the living LORD takes you."

They set out towards the river Jordan and the prophets of Jericho anointed themselves with ashes and then followed at a distance, as mourners follow a funeral procession.

Elijah said to Elisha: "The LORD calls us on, across the river. So we shall go." And he began to wade into the waters, rolling up his robe as he went.

But the waters were deep, and they rose against the old prophet's leg, even to the point of wetting his raised cloak.

Then, recognizing the mantel of Elijah, the waters gave way-- for Elijah had been called to cross the river. Just as Elijah was powerless to refuse the call of the LORD, the waters had no authority to challenge his progress or to impede him.

So Elijah and Elisha crossed the dry riverbed and climbed the eastern bank.

After they had crossed the river Elijah said to Elisha, "My friend, I must go soon. Be not afraid, I go unto the LORD. Before I am taken, is there anything you would request of me? Speak now and I will do for you whatever I may."

Elisha answered, “How can you say be not afraid! Elijah, may I receive a double portion of your courage!”

Elijah smiled and said, "I do not know how to give such a gift, unless God wills it. Still, if you see me taken from you and from this life, your request will be granted!"

They walked on, the old man and his follower.

And they spoke softly under the clear sky. The sun bathed them and the horizon embraced them on all sides, then as they spoke a fiery chariot drawn by fiery horses thundered down upon them and drove them apart.

Elijah was taken into the chariot and Elijah was carried away, leaving Elisha alone in the wild world.

As he watched the chariot climb he cried out, "My father, my father! The Chariot of Heaven!"

And he saw on the ground, Elijah's mantle, the cloak from which the water had fled.

This was the symbol of Elijah's prophetic vocation, not of his authority but of his commitment. And now that he was gone, who would assume this mantle?

Elisha stood very still, he realized he was no longer shaking and that helped him understand that he was no longer afflicted with any fear whatsoever.

He had witnessed Elijah's assumption into heaven, and now the garment of his office remained.

And Elisha was no longer afraid of the commitment. He was able and willing to listen to the LORD and do his works. So he tore away his own cloak and draped the inherited cloak of Elijah upon his shoulders and made his way back to Jericho, and the waters of the Jordan bowed and parted to make way for his passage.

The prophets who had followed Elijah and Elisha saw his approach and came to meet him.

They bowed before him and said, "We can see the spirit upon you, and you are wearing his cloak-- but where is your master, where is Elijah?"

And he answered them: "Elijah was taken to the sky in a chariot of fire!"

And the prophets of Jericho trembled. They said, "Where has the chariot taken him? What if he's been conveyed to a nearby mountaintop? We are your servants, we shall go and look for him on your behalf."

Elisha said “Do not bother to look for him. The LORD has taken him unto Heaven, so you will find no trace.”

But they kept urging, until he finally relented and said, “Search if you must.”

So fifty men went out and searched diligently for three days but they found no sign of the Prophet Elijah.

When they returned to Elisha in Jericho, he said to them, “I told you so."

*

Around this time the people living in Jericho complained to Elisha: “The city is well situated, and our walls are strong but the water has gone bad! Therefore the land is poisoned... What can we do?”

Elisha said, "Bring me a bowl of salt.”

When they had done as he said, he took the salt and rose and went to the spring that fed the waters of Jericho, and he cast some salt into the water.

He turned to the people and told them, "The LORD has cleansed this spring and purified the water. It shall never be contaminated again."

And the people glorified him but he glowered and then he rebuked them, saying, "You should only glorify the LORD. The purification of these waters is not the work of my hands, because my hands work only at the command of the LORD."

Then he felt the full weight of Elijah's absence and he began to mourn-- not for Elijah's passing into Heaven, but for their people. He mourned their closed ears and their laziness and their lack of faith.

In his grief and in his mourning he shaved all the hair from the corners of his head and left the city of Jericho behind.

He began the long walk back up the slopes to Bethel and as he set out on the road, a large group of young boys followed him out of the city.

There beyond the walls they began to mock him.

They loudly scorned his bald head, jeering and shouting, "Get out of here Baldy! Haha, you're bald!"

He turned to the youths and scowled at them by way of reproach.

But they would not be dissuaded. They howled and cackled and one among them pointed towards Bethel and cried out: "Go on up, you bald head!"

And he had been about to go up those slopes, but he resented the command of any earthly voice.

So he said, "I was already going up-- not because you say so, but because I obey the call of the LORD."

And one of the boys shouted, "Well then go all the way up, like your master before you. Away to the skies with you, baldy!"

The insults towards his scalp, Elisha could bear. He could bear the insults to his own person.

But he could not bear the insults to the LORD or to the LORD's servant Elijah.

So he scolded those children for their ill words and uttered a curse on their heads, in the name of the LORD.

And out from the brush on either side of the road they heard two mighty roars and the crashing of a large bodies in violent motion.

Into view, two large mother bears tore-- and they immediately set upon the children with all the rage and fury of the Divine in their claws and in their teeth.

Panic tore through the crowd and it was then that children truly began to believe. They cried out for mercy.

Elisha would never deign to question the judgment of the LORD, but he could not help feeling nauseated and revolted at the sight of mere children mauled to death and gored to pieces by these terrible, hulking animals.

He was so moved that he too cried out to the LORD for mercy on their behalf.

And the LORD, knowing the severity of their contrition sent into Elisha's palms two bright metal canisters full of capsaicin.

And Elisha heard the voice of the LORD say, "These tools I have placed in your hands you may call 'bear spray'. They shall be known to all peoples in the time of the far future. Just as I have shown the power of My judgment with these holy bears now I shall reveal the power of my mercy with these aerosol deterrents. Just point and squeeze the triggers."

The spray that rocketed out of those cannisters was a miracle unlike any the world had ever seen. All creatures in the path of that spray-- bears and children alike-- all were doubled over from the blinding intensity of that pain.

Bears howled in pain and stampeded back into the wilderness. Children clutched their eyes and screamed their utter belief to the LORD of heaven.

Elisha saw the blood upon the dusty road and he knew that only a couple handfuls of children were killed.

He told the wounded, "Rejoice! For the LORD has shown you His works. More among you would have perished, if not for the LORD's mercy."

From there Elisha went to Mount Carmel, and then on to Samaria.

***

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Author's note.

This is adapted from actual religious texts. It's not intended to be disrespectful, but it should be taken as an invitation to read the source material with a critical eye.

I think religious texts can often carry deep wisdom, but they can also contain stories and passages that are utterly absurd and perhaps even harmful if taken at face value.

To take these stories literally without any attempt to understand cultural, historic, and symbolic context seems likely to result in some very silly and dangerous ideas about God.

For example: there's no real agreement about what this story means. Biblical scholars point out that the word "youths" in some translations might not have originally meant children. They think it's possible that the crowd which accosted Elisha might have been young men, and possibly adherents of a rival faith. Under this explanation the story is less about God having no chill and sending bears to slaughter actual children for the minor offense of laughing at a bald guy and more a moral about the Old Testament God's power over rival deities.

In any event, modern readers are so far removed from the original writings that the circumstances and intention behind these writings are entirely lost to us, for anything beyond good guesses. So they come across as absolutely wild, almost feverish.

I figured the current vocal challenge, "Legends Rewritten", to take a well-known legend and inject some modern twist, could be a good opportunity to highlight one specific religious story which is really just bizarre from a modern standpoint.

If you'd like to read the original:

Source: https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings%202&version=RSV