Are You Ever Afraid of Going Crazy?

"Are you ever afraid of going crazy?"

"It doesn't work like that."

"What does it work like?"

"More like half of what I do is just to stay sane, to put it that way."

"But aren't you afraid of going crazy then?"

"Yes and no. I know it's in me. Sometimes my state switches from one moment to the next. I get into a zone, manic, hyper. Sometimes I just feel like destroying whatever I see that ain't broken. And sometimes, I get this desire to go for the extreme. Ride a bike through a warzone and such. I'm a bit afraid of that urge cause I know part of the pull is that I may not make it back."

"Man honestly, you sound pretty damn crazy to me already."

"Ah. I don't know if there's anything very special about what I just said. Didn't seem too radical to me, isn't that all quite normal? Damn it I don't know. I never got normal."

"Well, I think no. Not really. Most people have a relatively silent and constant inner world. They seek stability, want to be liked, seek out comfort and acceptance above all else. They don't switch mental states often and the emotions they experience are fairly limited. Or their awareness of how they feel at least. But either way, what you describe sounds rather intense."

"'Rather intense', are you writing a fucking academic paper? I don't know dude, I didn't choose this! You asked! I didn't ask for it, but that's me. That's my brain. That's how I function. It doesn't help to play 'normal', believe me, I've tried. So, no, I'm not afraid. That's the difference between me and all of those poor bastards who live a boring ass life, following along like sheep with whatever rule they're given, be it explicit or implicit. They don't question, don't pull back the damn curtain. Ignorence is bliss and all. They all stay back there, in Plato's stupid cave. Or run back inside as soon as some light has touched their eyes. They're afraid. I'm not. There, that's the truth, you happy now?"

"Crazy and enlightened aren't exactly the same."

"You don't get it in the least, do you?"

"Well enlighten me, you wise elder!"

"You can call me whatever you want dude. Sarcastic or not. I don't care. It's all just names. Only very few haven't been tried on me.

The cave was never about enlightenment. That's not exactly a thing anyways in the West. Wasn't back then, isn't now either. Everybody's been to concerned with the stuff in their heads for the possbility of enlightenment to emerge. That damn cave is just about not succumbing to illusions anymore. I honestly don't see how that isn't obvious. Looking at shadows for a lifetime, then going out into the world, seeing reality for the first time and everyone shutting their ears and going 'Lalalala' when that dude comes back to tell the others about it?

But he got it wrong, it's not only that they don't want to hear it. People get a glimpse at some point. They get confronted with reality. But they flee, they don't allow themselves to feel, to think thoughts freely. They run straight back and try to forget. They crave the fucking safety of being told what to do, what to think and how to feel. Everyone's afraid of living their own way and the few who aren't are termed crazy. There. That's what I think."

"I don't think schizophrenics and people with multiple personality disorder or bipolar just think and feel so freely. They have mental health issues, they're sick, crazy!"

"Well, 'mental health issues', that's another term I don't know what to fucking do about. Can't you see it's all spectra? Yeah, those you like to call crazy fall closer to the end of some of those spectra. They're further out. And yeah, they struggle. I'm not saying they don't need help ... that we don't need help. But how do you know it's not that they're overwhelmed by this life? How do you know they don't just feel more intensely? You and your armwavy 'crazy-talk' are, with all due respect, just bullshit. You have no idea and you're just as afraid as all these other lambs who suppress all that goes on inside of them. Or maybe they're just dead inside, I don't know. Maybe they've silently given up. Maybe they've never learned how to get some fucking light in their eyes."

"Ok, you can calm down. I'm starting to get the impression that we see the world in a fundamentally different light. I see a society, I see people functioning and fulfilling their roles in it. I see some who are helpful, useful; some who play their parts and do the best they can; and I see others who do useless stuff, abuse, create trouble and worries. And I also see those who need help, I'm no monster. But many of them are crazy and they're best served by being put into place, by being taken care of. For their own good and so they don't harm anyone else. So that the rest of the world can function."

"Yeah, right function... And I see people who live with an open heart and others who shut their heart for whatever reason. And humans can change, one way or the other. That's the only difference that matters. But you obviously can't see that if all you think about are the 'crazy' and the 'sane'."