Alouette

“And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

We don’t sing when the storms come.

Momma said that when the clouds are talking, we all should stay hush-down and listen close, hanging on to her skirt, ‘cause we couldn’t see none. All quiet like, cause the Hollow Men moved when the lightning came, all close between the shadows like. Young ones got themselves lost in the deep dark --so we done so. No songs, no whispers.

But, me, I didn’t need no words out loud—the song was always in my mind.

Was Daddy what taught me the song he named me after. We would be walkin’ down the broken ways past the dead rust and the Hollow Men with the hole eyes and the long teeth. Daddy said those ones couldn’t hurt us none, gone to hollow and cried too deep. He’d sing and tell me to keep up, pay the screams those empty lips weren’t givin’ no mind, and sing along. All the way down the tunnel under the deep water, his voice come echoin’ like he was singin' to the Up and Overs. And me, I didn’t know the words none—Daddy said they was francais—but I sang along, cause Daddy he sang my name the loudest and I would laugh till it hurt my inside.

Laughin’ is better than cryin'.

Daddy, he would go long days, chasin’ the sun down, tellin’ us he was lookin' for others what didn’t have the Hollow. He’d come back with treasures for me and my sisters, all them shiny things what three little girls gonna want. While he was gone, Momma would wait by the windows, rockin’ in the chair someone left and never sleepin’ none. I used to lay my head down on her lap while she was still, while my sisters napped out on the wood floor. I’d ask her why she didn’t lay down too, but all she ever said was that sleep was a luxury. All while she ran a hand through my hair, snaggin'. I didn’t mind, cause Momma didn’t touch us none other times.

It was the hottest part of the shine-days when Daddy came back that last time. We ran out to hold him, but he pushed us, all three, away and went inside. Don’ know what he talked about with Momma but there was thunder in the words and I heard Momma cryin’. When it was done Daddy called us in to give us gifts. Only—this time, weren’t no gifts. Daddy didn’t smile none when he put his hand on little Jemi. He didn’t chuck on Marli’s chin and he didn’t give me the ink pen he always did. All he gave us this time was a stare what looked like the storm time comin’.

Then he called me up. Real close down he whispered on me and his breath smelled like the drink what Momma always poured down the sink in the house we all hid in. And he told me—he told me he’d been up and over. Momma wouldn’t turn around none from the window, arms all wrapped around herself and I could see where she was chewin’ down her nails again. Daddy told me hold out my hand and I did, cause he said to. And he put somethin’ in it and closed it up and he told me he was leavin’ again and I shouldn’t ever-never open that hand till he was gone, and then I’d know. And then he kissed Jemi, and he kissed Marli, and he kissed Momma, and she never blinked none.

And then he was gone.

Was two mornings and Momma said we had to go. Jemi cried and Marli asked why, but I just scraped up the rags and the pans and all the ways we kept so I could help Momma, and I made the girls move on. We left early, before the shine-down started making desert on our skin and worked our way out of the bones. Momma said we should keep it all quiet like, but I couldn’t because I had me my sunshine.

It was all in gold. All come braided like my hairs when Momma used to smile and Daddy didn’t have to leave so far. Layin’ on my chest where Momma said the ladies would grow but I didn’t know if ever. Didn’t matter none. It was a heart, all bound up in the metals Daddy said was what they all went to hell for chasin’. I’d hold it up to the shine-down and let it swing till Momma said I was to put it away cause the gun-men would see all that shine and put a bullet in my head.

Nights come we’d sleep in the houses of them silent screamers. Ate out of the cans we found, sittin’ at the table while Momma said pay no mind to the hollow lady still sittin’ in her chair ‘cause she wasn’t goin’ to be havin' any. Daytime we’d follow the old green signs, chasing where Daddy went to the Up and Overs.

Come two weeks Momma came on slow. Said she was powerful fine, but I could see the way all that yellow painted on her skin and how the hollow was comin’ in her eyes. Come one night she called me in—we were done walkin’, Jemi and Marli curled up tight and we all full of meat what came out of the can.She come over all singin’,beautiful and sad and I listened. Never heard that voice before. I laid my head down on her lap and my little present from Daddy hummed while she sung words she didn’t know. She braided my hair and she sang my name, Alouette like Daddy and she told me she never ever meant not to.

Come morning she died.

Now—now we walkin'. We walkin’ just like Daddy, ‘cause he gonna be out there, past the Up and Overs and we’re gonna be ok. We seen the dark men, the ones that came out of the wheels, and we watched them while they burned all the Hollow Men what were still moving, all them teeth gettin’ longer. And I told them—Jemi and Marli that we was goin’ to be ok and we was goin’ to find Daddy.

Momma always said it wasn’t no thing to lie if it kept a smile on an angel.

Shine down woke us up this mornin' and I can see the Up and Overs. The sit high past the river like they’re tryin’ to comb the sky, all white and pretty. The little girls, they’re still sleepin’ so no worries when I slip the heart over my head and go under the tree in the hollow man’s yard. All broken windows lookin’ at us leavin’ but I’m not worried about the hollow eyes no more. Not on the buildin' and not on the ladies what don’t breath no more like Momma.

‘Cause we are close now. So close--Got my hand on the little gold heart and I can smell rain comin’ close. Momma smiled when the rain came down but I can’t smile right now cause I gotta make a way. Got to.

Thunder is comin’ down the Up and Overs.

I’m gonna sing the Alouette.