Alone

Silence. Utter and complete silence. Nothing else registers. The lack of sound is unnerving. No graduating sounds of car engines nearing or leaving. Not even a rustling of the wind through creaking tree branches. Nothing.

My eyes shoot open to help me find some answers. Only they’re met with the same helplessness that my ears experienced, and blackness surrounds me. There’s no way of telling if it’s me that can’t see or if there’s just nothing there. I feel consumed and smothered. How can there not even be a pinprick of light, like that of a distant star, in this complete darkness?

The weight of these things on my mind is heavy and brutal. I reach to my face with outstretched arms for some significant reassurance but the sign I receive is not any I want. The touch from my desperate fingers on my face is a cold dead sensation. I can feel the pressure of my touch, but there is no warmth or sense of life.

Fear grips my consciousness, but I can’t feel my face flush or my heart racing. I would have welcomed the feeling of my heart trying to beat itself out of my chest, but I am denied even this panicked comfort. My breathing becomes frantic, but I can’t tell if it’s actually doing anything. My chest moves in and out as if I were breathing, but I can’t feel the air passing through my body.

Sheer dread is beginning to take over. I try to run and hide but there is no earth beneath my feet giving me something to work off of. I feel as though I am just hanging in space, helplessly suspended in a bubble of darkness.

“HELP!” This word tears through my mind and body as fiercely as humanly possible. I feel the pain of the word shredding its way out of my throat with the manic force I use to cast it out. But no sound issues forth. Silence rings true. Again, and again, I scream. Each time the force of my desperate plea rips at my throat racking it with pain, but not the smallest of sounds can be heard.

My mind races with confusion. I am blind, deaf, and dumb. Alone, numb, and cold with no knowledge of why or how.

I am so confused in this limbo. Time’s dictations are meaningless to me here. I have no way of knowing if I’ve been here long or if I’ve just arrived. I don’t even know how long it’s been since I first remember waking.

Eternities pass in the wasting minutes, or maybe it’s the other way around with minutes wasting in eternities.

What have I done to deserve this?

How long will this last?

Will it ever end?

My thoughts and memories are all I have now. For as long as they last. I reminisce on my life before my current situation. Pondering on my deeds done. The good, the bad, and the mediocre.

Time being as it is now, I know not how long I ventured into the rabbit hole that was my life. I do know, that as thoughts progressed, some serious soul searching was inevitable. My thoughts turned to my childhood. A time of innocence and vulnerability. Where some things you just didn’t question, like, “My dad is the strongest dad there is.” or, “My mom can make anything.” or, “There is a God.”

As a child I had believed whole heartedly in this “fact”. But after I had grown up and lost this childish way of thinking I found the real truth. There is no higher power controlling me. I am in control and that’s all there is. I loosed myself from being bound to “God”.

But what if?

What if, because of this, I am here now in the way that I am.

What if, because I denied Him, I am here like this forever?