Adrift

Nobody can hear a scream in the vacuum of space, or so they say. So, what then, if anything, are these echoes I hear so clearly? The resonance of a voice drifting through the vast emptiness of the cosmos, defying the known laws of our universe? Or are these hopeless screams radiating only inside my mind as I drift further into the void?

39 hours adrift - maybe more, possibly less. It feels as if I have fixated my eyesight on the command capsule thousands of times as I rotate freely approximately 10 meters away. Nothing within reach but a severed tether that once secured my future.

Alone, as I have been for most of my life, but this, this feels different. It’s a hollow feeling; a silence I can feel as my core trembles. Humanity’s last hope is all but certain - millions of miles from the last system we called home, in search of another.

After the fallout of the old system, everything was chaos; every man and woman for themselves. Attacked by something from beyond our defenses, or betrayed by someone within, we may never know for sure - but one thing was absolute if you wanted to live you’d do whatever was necessary. Years of wandering a desolate land plagued by the souls of those who once thrived, scavenging from their remnants of life stopped short, anything to survive. Was this the beginning of the end… my end?

As a formerly trained combat nurse, I had been through cataclysmic events, watched those closest to me parish, and seen the beginning of the end daily, but as an expecting mother, I knew I wanted different for my child. 21 months after the fallout The Forward began recruiting from the survivors, promising a future, ensuring this would be left behind for good, but it wasn’t for everyone. The Forward had a strict protocol, only the best would be accepted and colonize a new system. I knew that I wouldn’t qualify if they knew who I truly was. They didn’t need nurses, nobody needed has-been nurses since NuLife came around, I had to be irreplaceable - so that is what I made them believe I was, maybe that is how I ended up where I am now.

The Forward was my way out, but deception was my only way in. They had recruited the scientists, the engineers, the leaders of the new system, the flight crew, and the captains, but they needed me as much as I needed them - I’m the last Stargazer. Not in the old systems sense, looking at the stars from our surface and analyzing the chances of habitability, but in the advanced, untested, new world sense that I had just created. Would this convince The Forward that I am a valuable member of their progressive mission to colonize again? There was only one way to find out.

With only 2 sun cycles until The Forward launches, I requested that I get into contact with The One, the leader of The Forward, and without delay, I was transported to his presence. It was as if they had been waiting for me, but why? Are they skeptical of my credentials, or do they know my true identity? Upon arrival, I experienced an unusually pleasant welcome, greeted with delicacies, and offered a prominent role in The Forward’s mission. Of course, I accepted without hesitation, although I had my concerns moving ahead. The One was intrigued by my accreditation, focusing solely on the opportunities my skillset would present as The Forward continues to inhabit new systems as necessary. The praise was thrilling, and the dark chocolate-covered pretzels were exquisite, I hadn’t seen those in nearly a decade. It seems as though my life, and my child’s future, would be secure with The Forward.

Our initial destination was 4 lightyears from what was once our home, there was no turning back, and nothing to turn back to. A new life was starting, a new me that even I had yet to know, but my child would be arriving soon and they would know only the best me, the mother me. On board, I had managed to portray myself as Ferruh, decorated captain of the former Nebula-1 space cruiser, retired and turned Stargazer - but behind closed doors to my child I was me, Adina of Capitola, retired combat nurse, mother.

The time had passed as though it was was never there, Ocea was soon to be 7, and our destination was within lightyears reach. 0:29 - alarms sound, abruptly awakened and panic begins to take hold, the prominent red flashes overpower the familiar white walls, with every blare of the alarm a heavy blink pursues, the red light penetrating the darkness before my eyes. Where is Ocea? That is all I can worry about. As I scurry through the main hall, frantically calling out to Ocea, reaching for her hands. I think to myself, what could this possibly be? We have been en route for nearly 7 years and this is an unknown. Maybe it is just a drill, a mistake? But then a familiar voice fills the room, overtaking the static white noise consistently behind it.

“Attention crew, this is The One, leader of The Forward. I have some unfortunate news to convey at once. Please hear me without interruption. Upon entering GC-173, the galactic host of our new system, we have discovered some unforeseen complications regarding the habitable zone of Neox - our expected home. There will be some delay, but an update will follow in the coming days. Ferruh, report to command immediately!”

Here it is, the moment I have been dreading for all of this journey. For many years past, I have imagined docking at our new habitable station, a stable system that was meant to host life for eons, a new home for our future. What went wrong? It seems as though I’m about to be the first to find out. I assume it’s expected to be within my field of expertise to fix this situation. I enter the captain’s chamber, gripping Ocea’s hand as if it was the last time I may see her, I see The One seated at his desk about 3 meters away, head in hands, a folder labeled “Plan X” with the edges discolored by the saturation of tears. The One, without motioning to acknowledge my presence, began muttering words.

“You know, this plan… wasn’t my first choice, wasn’t my last…” A long pause followed.

“I’ve called you here, Adina, as I know you well. I see the value in your presence, and the willingness to persevere in the face of conflict, through battles.”

Wait, did he just call me Adina?

“Am I right to assume this is your expertise?” Asks The One.

Why is he saying this… Does he know my true identity? He must. Do I continue to support my fabricated life and deny the truth, or secede, and submit to reality? I look to Ocea, she’s staring at me as if she can see into my soul and can feel the same apprehension. I confidently stood poised and began to speak without hesitation - as this is the example I wanted to set for Ocea, be true to yourself.

“Yes, sir,” I said.

“I am Adina of Capitola. Former combat nurse.” My voice began to quiver.

I noticed The One lift his head and focus his attention on my Lifeband that was clasped around my right forearm. This was The Forwards’ method of identification for the crew members. It contained every bit of information about our lives; past and present. Was he questioning my loyalty? No, he mustn’t be, he must trust me if I am here at this moment, in his presence during this uncertainty for the mission. What then is the reason for this bleak gaze he has aligned directly with my Lifeband?

“Remove it.” The One Mumbled beneath his breath as he released an exaggerated sigh.

Had I heard correctly, he wants me to remove it? We had been instructed to never remove the Lifeband as it is connected to our core. I was certain that was his intended message, but I hesitated. He then began to mimic a motion with his hand and wrist as to turn the Lifeband clockwise. The One didn’t bear a Lifeband upon his wrist, he never had.

I followed his instruction, rotating my Lifeband until I heard the faint undoing of a pressure-locked clasp, I felt the release of the band’s grip on my forearm. It ached instantly but felt freeing. He then motioned his index finger toward Ocea to remove hers as well. I wasn’t so quick to accept the gesture, as I didn’t know if there was a consequence to follow. He continued to signal as if it were urgent to undo the Lifeband as quickly as possible. I looked into Ocea’s eyes, ice blue and as light as air, innocent, as I placed my lips upon her forehead I slowly rotated her Lifeband until the radiant glow began to fade between her skin and the band, it was off - Ocea looked at me as if she had just been freed.

“Hello.” said The One.

“Finally, we may speak appropriately, without risk of compromise.”

What is he talking about? He seems to be confiding in me as if I am his only source of companionship. This is making less sense as the moment passes. I hear the alarm at a distance fade to a halt, and the flashing of the red lights subsides. I focus my attention on The One as he raises his hands and places his thumbs beneath his mask, breaking the seal between his skin and the mask’s outer edge.

“Wait! I asserted. “You don’t have-“

Before I could finish my sentence, he began to speak in a reluctant tone.

“Yes, I do! I must.”

The One continued to remove his mask, slowly, revealing his face partially before slowing as if hesitant. These lips, this shadow-filled stubble that emerges from soft leather-like skin, there’s a familiar presence that fills my soul. It’s impossible though, I’m reaching for a similarity that no longer exists to ease my curiosity. In mere seconds I flashback to Capitola, as a child, alone in the park one rainy autumn noon, kicking leaves as though the twirling and dancing through the air was nature’s way of playing right back. A lone boy wandered in the distance, across the sea of green grass, as if he were chasing something with a blissful smile on his face. I followed from afar, imagining what it was that he had been longing for, and maybe he too was in search of the same thing as I. We had come to befriend one another, for many years it was Corin and Adina against the lonely world - we grew to love one another as if it were all we had come to know.

That is nothing more than a memory, that I have reserved in the depths of my mind for eternity. Corin was taken from me centuries ago. I watched in anguish as his fighter jet was obliterated during the 2nd wave of the final battle on Earth. I searched the harbor and surrounding lands for days in hopes of finding him, any part of him that I may be able to save. That was my final mission as a combat nurse, and I too, died that day with Corin.

I focused my eyesight, locked on every square centimeter of the exposed face before me, scanning for any signs of familiarity. It was as if time had stopped only at this moment to allow me to wonder. The One had removed the mask completely. I attempted to refocus my vision as I reached behind me and clutched any part of Ocea I could. The plasma light that filled the room began to enclose the silhouette of The One as I fixated my attention immediately on the glimmer of light reflecting from his eyes - dark but not empty, full of expectation. It’s Corin. Alive, here now. But How?

I attempt to speak, “Wha-, huh.”

As my vision begins to blur from the tears, I lose focus and can no longer see his face. I feel someone, something, step close to me as to embrace my weakened posture with a steady hold around my body. What is happening at this moment? I must be dreaming of Corin as I have thousands of times before - no this feels different. I can smell the aroma of musky wash, feel the subtle scruff of stubble brush across my ear, and hear the rasp break through the soft tone of a familiar voice.

“I’m here for you Adina. I always have been.” Whispers Corin.