A World Like This

“You know what I admire about you? You have such a capacity for love… so much love to give. You think that vulnerability makes you weak, but I don’t, I think it makes you strong.”

The metal of the pendent bites into my palm as I shake his words from my mind. A lovely sentiment, sure, but what good is love in a world like this?

My eyes prickle from the heat of the fire, I check the can of beans suspended above it. As soon as it’s warm I’ll need to extinguish it, but for now it’s nice to have the company of the crackling flames.

How have I not died yet?

I remember when we would have the gang around for drinks on a Saturday night, sometimes the guys would make up imaginary doomsday scenarios and talk about what they would do, argue over who would survive the longest. I never counted myself as one of the survivors, until now.

I’m running low on supplies though, so tomorrow I’ll need to roll the dice again by going into the city. I also want to check some of our old hangouts, see if I can find any signs that any of our gang is left.

Why haven’t I died yet?

What do you survive for, in a world like this?

The sound of bubbling snaps me back to the present. I carefully grab the can, kick dirt over the fire, and pour the tasteless sustenance into my mouth.

With a full belly and darkness surrounding me, I surrender to a few hours of fitful sleep.

I jolt awake with a feeling of nausea. I try to swallow it down, I can’t afford to waste food like that. I count backwards from ten in my head, trying to distract myself as I pack my things for the day.

It’s still dark, almost too dark. Part of you never fully gets used to the sudden lack of light pollution even in the quieter areas of town. Not a single streetlamp… no headlights… just blackness.

I creep along the roads into the city, ducking between abandoned cars and dodging debris. It’s best to move quickly, quietly, and under the cover of at least partial darkness.

My first stop is the cafe where I left my last message to my friends: an Articulate card with the ‘E’ circled on the back. When I found the game a few months ago it felt like some sort of sign, use our favourite game to find our friends. I was sure they would see the hint and leave me some kind of reply. Unfortunately most of the time they either remain in place untouched, or I find them in the dirt outside after they’ve been blown away by the wind.

I look to the broken tip jar on the counter, where I had placed the card. It’s gone. My heart skips a beat for a moment, but I force myself to take a breath - it’s probably just blown away. Besides, there’s nothing left there in return. Perhaps some random person is out there trying to complete their own set?

Suddenly, a crash.

Voices.

I scurry behind the counter and hide, my heart thundering inside my chest.

It’s such a big city, why can’t they leave my suburb alone?

I grip the knife in my right hand, my necklace in the other.

Is this it?

I hear footsteps approaching.

I flick open the locket with my thumb. There we are, smiling, his arms around my waist. If I’m going to die, at least I’ll have that image in my mind.

***

I remember in the first few weeks that everything went dark, everyone was looking for some semblance of stability, some guidance, some leadership. When the police and doctor’s unions banded together to create a sheltered community in the heart of the CBD people flocked there in droves. Hand painted posters adorned highway billboards within days, espousing the many benefits of becoming part of their workforce.

I can’t quite remember why, but we didn’t like the sound of it. Almost sounded too good to be true. Getting to live in an apartment complex in the city, protected by armed officers from the looting, free medical attention… surely there would be a catch…

So we decided to look out for ourselves and make do in the suburbs, until one day it became clear that I needed medical attention. The posters were now announcing that anyone could come to the community for medical aid if they contributed supplies - preferably things like bandages and antiseptic.

We made our way into the city, armed with all the bandages we could find in the local pharmacies. As we crossed the harbour bridge we spotted a line of officers, brandishing batons and guns, taking the supplies off other passersby on the bridge.

Three of the officers approached us, “Toll point! What have you got for us?”

We placed the bandages on the ground in front of them.

“Do you seriously think this is enough?”

Chris stepped in front of me slightly, “We’re not here to seek shelter, we just need to see a doctor and then we’ll be on our way.”

The tallest guard scoffed, “Sure sure, what else have you got?”

A bearded guard gestured at our backpacks with his gun.

We opened our bags and carefully dumped the contents out onto the road. We didn’t have much, a few cans of beans, a box of bullets, a pocket knife, a couple of bottles of water.

They kicked at the cans with their feet, snatched up the bullets and the knife and one of them retreated to add the supplies to their collection.

As I started to repack the rest of our things the bearded one spoke up again, “Stop! Still not enough. We want one of your packs, a jacket and…” he looked at me, “Your shoes. They look like they’re in good condition.”

Chris let out an exasperated sigh, but complied, taking off his jacket and handing over his bag. I knelt down to untie my laces, and in doing so my locket swung out from under my shirt.

“Ooh, that’s a pretty little trinket you’ve got there…” the bearded cop sauntered over to me and started playing with the locket on the chain. I could feel the heat of his breath.

The tall cop turned to him, “Come on Josh, surely you can leave them with that.”

Josh grinned, “I dunno… I’ve been looking for the perfect gift for my girl, and I reckon she’d like this. It looks really good on you, and she’s got the same hair and eyes as you.”

“Please,” Chris pleaded with perhaps too much desperation. “let us keep it, it really isn’t worth that much and surely there are some unlooted jewellery stores in the city you can go to. It’s just a cheap sentimental thing.”

“No no, haven’t seen anything this good in a while…” he continues, but no longer looking at my necklace.

“Come on, you can have my shoes too.” Chris continued.

Josh grabbed my face suddenly, “Your man is being really uncooperative… you know, I think perhaps even with the locket you haven’t met your toll quota…”

“Why don’t we just go?” I suggested, trying to wrest my face free from this man’s hand as subtly as I could. “You.. you can have the locket, let me just take the picture out and then we’ll go.”

“No I don’t think you will. I think you’ll be staying here tonight. My girl’s been a little… ungenerous lately. I’ll show you what a real man is like, and then we’ll call it even.” He leered at me, as if trying to peer down my jacket.

Chris darted forward, “Don’t you dare.”

Josh brandished his gun, pointing it at my leg, “Would you rather she spend the night injured in my bed or completely fine?”

I was frozen, completely shut down, but suddenly I saw something change in Chris’ eyes. He looked directly at me, and then mouthed, “I love you. Run.”

He shot Josh in the stomach. As the man doubled over he released me, and unthinking I turned and ran.

I thought Chris was right behind me.

But then I heard gunshots. So many gunshots.

When I turned back from the safety of the other side of the bridge they were already dumping his body into the harbour.


***

Tears are streaming down my face, partly from the memories and partly from fear of who might be entering the room right now. I listen for the voices with bated breath.

“No card…” a familiar voice whispers.

A sigh comes from further away, “Well we don’t know how often they come here… if it even is them.”

“I just wanted… I just hoped…” the first voice replies, sounding somber.

“Nothing stops us from checking every now and again. Maybe they’ll leave us something more descriptive next time.” she pauses, “It does really feel like an Emily move though, finding something only we would care about.”

My name! I peak around the counter.

I gasp. It’s Olivia and Joe!

They turn, recognition and joy flooding their faces, they rush over to me.

“Emily! You’re okay! Is—“

I shake my head.

Joe looks me over, “Wow you’re… doing well. Where have you been?”

“Various places, currently living in a cave in the national park. I like to keep moving, but I kind of orbit here.” I reply.

They’re both speechless, they envelop me in a hug.

When they pull back I look up at them both, “Have you…”

“Found anyone else?” Olivia interrupts, “No, sorry… everything got so crazy when things went down. I think we’re all scattered to the winds.”

“Haven’t run into any familiar corpses though, so that’s a plus.” Joe adds, warranting a small whack from Olivia.

We finish our day scavenging together, and with three backs to share the burden we come away with quite a haul. When darkness falls we decide to go back to my hideout, grab my things, and then reconvene at theirs.

When I finally set my pack down for the night exhaustion fills my body. It’s like I finally let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, and now all my adrenaline was gone. Olivia pulls me against her in a sideways hug. She always used to hate physical affection, but I suppose a friend appearing out of nowhere warrants some unusual behaviour.

“What are you going to do now, about…” she pauses.

I find myself unable to reply. I stand up and walk away from her. Out of the corner of my eye I see her begin to get up to follow, but Joe touches her shoulder to urge her to give me some space.

I look down at my locket, still open from earlier. Those smiling faces, as if from another universe entirely, beaming up at me. I remember the day he gave me the locket.

We were on holiday in some small coastal town. We were wandering through a local market, tasting cheeses and breads, trying on various homemade clothes… a frivolous weekend away.

While I was inspecting the wares at a jewellery store I turned around to see him giving me a funny look, his eyes all misty like he was about to cry.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him.

He smiled, “Nothing, I just love you.”

“Then what’s with the face?” I giggled.

“I want to marry you.”

“Now?” I tried to joke.

His face remained that sort of wistful seriousness, “No… but someday… soon. You look so perfect right now. You look like home, to me.”

He pulled me in for a kiss, then took the instant camera I’d bought out of my purse and proffered it to the vendor, asking her to take a photo. Then he selected a locket from the necklaces I’d been admiring and pressed both the developing photo and the necklace into my palm.

“I want you to keep this with you. I want you to always have it with you so at any moment you can look at it and know how I see you. So you can feel the love I have for you, even when we’re far apart.”

Why am I not dead yet?

What use is love in a world like this?

I let my hand graze my swollen abdomen, and I can almost feel the life pulsing inside. I feel him. I feel it all… and I know what love is for.

Love makes us stronger. Love makes us able to survive.