A Proud Man

When the pen landed on the desk, Garther Binkins sighed. He had just closed another multi-million-dollar deal for credit cards. He leapt out of his seat with the last few ounces of energy he had left in his body. His dark skin contrasted with his tan suit. He wore expensive clothes that looked frumpy and didn’t fit him well. Instead of getting them tailored, he just let them look like his suits originated from the rack. He gathered his briefcase and headed out of the door. The Wilmington, Delaware air beckoned him to go out onto the street. It was the fall of 1996.

“Out of water, Ganea,” he repeated the same idea he had uttered for years.

Micha Ganea the cleaning lady just mumbled an obscenity under her breath in Romanian and continued to vacuum the sales floor.

Binkins attempted to sneak past his boss’ office.

“Binkins, in here. Now!” barked Sandoval Vector.

“Yes, sir,” his voice quavered a bit.

“I don’t need you to bow like that every time you see me. Now, that report you were supposed to draw up…why are you waiting for Monday to get it on my desk?”

“I swear I’ll have it for you, sir. I swear I’ll––”

“Don’t swear. Make it happen.”

“Yes, sir. I’ll do that.” He seemed to be cowering a bit, he hunched over slightly. He closed his boss’ door.

“Did I tell you to close that?” Vector asked.

“No, no. I’m so sorry for doing that.”

He opened the door again and trudged back to his office.

“What are you looking at?” Binkins taunted. Micha clenched her teeth.

When he returned to his chair, Binkins fired up the Web browser. After about a minute, he connected to the Internet.

At first, he worked on the project Vector instructed him to complete. He skimmed over the document like an editor over a copy of a manuscript. Then he remembered who he had become. Though a midlevel executive, he still didn’t have a strong position in the office. People ogled at him with disdain and no respect. In his spirit, he could feel gnawing at him the sense that he had become creep and a loser. He possessed a six hundred thousand dollar charge card and a premium European sports car. In having such possessions including a posh apartment in the city, he had managed to become acquainted with a young woman named Jasel McNamera. He daydreamed about her for a moment.

Her long blond hair and cut sapphire eyes made him want her even more at the moment. He knew that he had to finish the report, however. She had been a Miss Wilmington runner up and used every moment virtually to remind Binkins of this fact. His thoughts ran back to the day he took her on the first date.

“Are you enjoying the oysters? Are the scallops okay? Do you need me to get the waiter?”

“No, no, no. Relax. Jesus! Are you like this at work, too?”

He snapped out of his daymare. Binkins looked out of the window and then back to the monitor. A pop up signaled his attention. It pertained to dating but also provided information on how to become a better man. Now, Binkins regarded himself as a male of some stature. After obtaining his master’s degree at New Sweden University, he had risen through the ranks to get as close to the top as possible. His salary had ballooned to the mid six figures and he felt comfortable. Only he didn’t want to feel comfortable. He wanted adventure. A new place to go. To experience. He scrolled down the screen and clicked on the ad.

It showed a page where a dark skinned man handled a panther and a trenchcoat.Two women flanked him, one black the other white. He wore shined shoes and a zoot suit. He beckoned Binkins to delve further into the site. He clicked on his biography. The name was Pastor Cadeson. He held a black belt in karate, jiu jitsu, and tae kwon do. And Pastor had been his given name. He possessed an MBA and a doctorate from NSU in physics. But he never allowed anyone to call him doctor. The passage in his bio appeared as a formality only. As Binkins continued to scroll, he found the man’s phone number at the bottom of the screen and copied it down on stationary.

Binkins then moved onto his work, feeling a boost of energy from the prospect of Cadeson guiding his every step. He typed up the report with gusto and faxed it over to Vector. He regathered his items and whisked out of the door. Micha had moved on from the floor.

Just as he was about to hit the elevator button for the first floor, Vector hollered. “Binkins!” His voice seemed strong but tinged with a sense of wonder. The man hopped off the elevator and headed back to his superior’s work space.

“Yes, sir?”

“This is good stuff. In a year you’ll be where I am. I’ll be onto greater investments in my own firm. You’re alright, Binkins. Now, get the hell outta here!”

“Thank you, sir. Yes, sir. Right away, sir.”

Binkins arrived at his home in the land of walkups and brick facades. He carried with him all the hopes of seeing that this Cadeson character could change his entire life. He showered and changed into his pajamas. And then used the Web. After hearing once again the dial up whirring and humming, he entered the site for the second time. The text had been just enough for him to read and he looked at the figure down at the bottom. For a thousand dollars a month, he could train with Cadeson, pick up on his ways to deal with women, his boss, himself.

With a credit card in hand, Binkins delivered all of the data. He received a confirmation number and sat back and smiled. Only the smiled didn’t last long. He just remembered he had promised to go out on a date with Jasel. She walked through the door with her key. She stunned with a little black dress and red bottom pumps Binkins bought for her. He had paid for her manicure and pedicure as well. All of this had been compliments of the company card which Binkins worked tirelessly to replenish.

He rushed to get dressed. Her footsteps neared his bedroom and she burst the door open.

“You’re not ready!”

“I know, baby. I’m sorry, baby. I just wanted to relax and keep from the stress of the job.” He put a shoe on his foot. Jasel walked over to the computer.

“Who the hell is Pastor Cadeson?”

“He’s a guru. A mentor.”

“Look, whatever. I’m going to go downstairs. If you’re not dressed by then, I’m out.”

“Yes, dear. I understand. I’ll be quick. I love you.”

“Pssh.”

Jasel journeyed down the stairs and sat at the dining room table smoking a cigarette in the fading light of the evening. She wore sunglasses in the house to just add to her aloof behavior. Damn near stumbling down the stairs, Binkins hopped with one shoe on his foot. He straightened his tie in the mirror and stretched out a hand.

“Let’s go!”

“I’m not hungry nor do I want to go out anymore,” Jasel announced.

“Okay, my darling. I love you so much. You can definitely be excused from our evening out on the town. I’ve got some LaserDiscs we can watch....”

“I don’t want to watch a LaserDisc, I want you.”

“Okay, we can play cards or something.”

She raised from her seat and took off her sunglasses and kissed Binkin’s mouth.

“We’ll have a good time for at least three hours.”

“What is it with you and these three hours? I don’t need all of that.”

“Forget it, then, baby.”

“Yeah, forget it.”

She grabbed her bag and stormed out of the door. Binkins stood blinking with his clothes on his body. He then trudged up his stairs to his bedroom and began to undress again. Once in his pajamas, he banged his fists against the sides of his head.

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”

Then he looked at the website for Pastor Cadeson for the third time. On this particular occasion, he devoted his time to fully becoming acquainted with the man with the women and the black panther. A wave of accomplishment washed over his consciousness. He had supplied his information and that satisfied him.

A week later, Cadeson strolled up to Binkin’s walk-up. The doorbell chimed.

With quickness, Binkins rocketed to the door.

“I’m looking for a Mr. Garther Binkins,” Pastor Cadeson announced. His own dark black skin mimicked Binkins’. In person, Cadeson seemed taller and his presence seemed more eminent than just the two-dimensional representation on the Web. They found seats in Binkins’ cushy living room.

“Yes, master.” He slouched a bit.

“Master? Why’d you––oh the martial arts. You don’t have to call me master. Just Mr. Cadeson will do. Now, I understand both your professional and personal lives need adjustment. Thanks for that deposit by the way.”

“Absolutely, Mas-–I mean Mr. Cadeson.”

“Let’s start with that right there. You should be sitting up straight. Posture is the key. How do you think I got those two women in the picture? I sit up rightly and have the confidence of that large black cat I tamed.”

“How…how do I do it?”

“You stop being a sycophant,” Cadeson mentioned.

“I’m an educated man, but I don’t know what you mean,” he admitted.

“You’re a simp.”

The words dumped into Binkins’ consciousness like so many pallets of concrete.

“I–I never considered myself…but I guess….”

“See that’s your problem. You’ve gotta tell yourself and others and show everyone that you’re a man of substance. You’ve obviously obtained physical possessions and have a girlfriend….”

“Had.”

“Alright, we’ll get to that. You have to stand as the absolute best version of yourself at all times. This is in every aspect of your life for as long as you live. It can’t just be with work or romance or anything. It has to be all or nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“I’m saying if you can’t achieve this, you have to either go crazy or kill yourself. Maybe both. I don’t know. All I’m here to do is show you that it is achievable, this life as a proud man,” Cadeson crossed his legs like the businessman he showed himself to be.

“I just need to get my life together. I’m glad you came in, you’re the best….” Binkins started.

“Stop it! That’s simping. You don’t just bless and praise and worship anyone with that kind of attitude. You’ve gotta show reserve. When you go to your job on Monday morning, you greet your boss with the same amount of respect that is due to any other man who has earned it. When you find your next lady, or better still, when she finds you, remember that you are the sole person that projects confidence and self-esteem.”

Furiously, Binkins jotted down Cadeson’s words. Like a student soaking up the teachings from his tutor, Binkins took in all of his words.

“Now, you have the tools. Just don’t bow and scrape and softshoe for anyone. You can exhibit slight deference at any time. Just recall that you’re the main person driving your life and that your life is worth living. You tell your superior that you’ve completed a task that required much brainpower and effort on your side. Tell whatever woman you encounter as a romantic partner that you are the ideal man.”

“I’ve got it.” For the first time in Binkins’ existence, he had felt a surge of assuredness in his own soul.

“Alright, I’m ready to get back to my own life. Take seriously your own and never fail to sow your own seeds of courage.” Pastor Cadeson smiled and got up from his seat. Binkins showed him the door and after Cadeson left, he pumped his fists in the air. Over the weekend, with the money on his expense account, he ensured that he tailored and tapered his suits by professionals. He washed his car. He got a haircut and his shoes shined to a high gloss. His mobile phone rang. He flipped it. “Yes?”

“It’s me, Pastor Cadeson. I want this day to be perfect for you so I sent something special to your office.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it tremendously, sir,” he intoned. It didn’t seem like he had heightened his voice once.

After ending the call, he went up to his office floor and saw no one. Except he could hear a soft murmuring.

“Good morning, Mr. Binkins!” Micha called.

“Good morning. What’s going on?”

“Mr. Vector is hiring new talent!”

Binkins turned the corner. He saw Jasel flirting with his boss.

“Hey, Binkins, check out your new superior executive. She’s taking over for me. Isn’t that great?!”

Binkins returned to his office. He called Cadeson. “You messed with my life. I want my money back!”

“All sales are final. No refunds. And I didn’t ruin your life. I had to do a little digging into your background with your job and your love interest. I just put them together and wanted to see how you would react. Are you okay?”

In a quiet rage, Binkins left the floor and found his car. Too enraged to cry, he instead put the car in drive and headed towards the Delaware Memorial Bridge. He parked on the shoulder and exited his vehicle. He climbed onto the cable and leapt into the cold waters.