A desperate plea from the elves

They are the invisible workers. They are the unheard of workers. They are the workers who toil night and day above the Arctic Circle who work for Santa making toys for children all over the world for that one special day of the year.

Things have been happening that have caused the unsung heroes to finally rise up and shout “Enough is enough!”

What they demand is a total moratorium on members of the world’s population from mentioning in its entirety or any abbreviated form the word “Christmas” ever ever ever before the 1st December from 2025 onwards forever.

Why has that word caused them all so much anger?

Does anyone know? I thought not.

You see every time the “C” word is mentioned before 1st December Santa has to do something terrible. No, he really does. It does not involve cancelling deliveries to the houses where it happened. No, it is much worse than that, much worse.

Now you may have this belief that good old Santa is a benevolent, jolly and avuncular chap. He is and aren’t we lucky. But there is another side to him that he totally abhors. It is a side he cannot control and suppress but alas, he has no control.

In his grotto on his desk where he masterminds the annual supply chain and logistics exercise is a bell. Santa’s bell rings every time someone south of the Arctic Circle mentions the “C” word.

What Santa has to do when that bell on his desk rings is react almost like Pavlov’s dogs but in a really nasty way. Not only does he resent being interrupted by the bell but it grieves him deeply when he has to carry out the duty he is conditioned to do when it rings.

This is the one aspect of his vocation that he does not relish but it has to be done.

He has to remove his shotgun from the gun cupboard. Leave his grotto and walk down to the factory where the elves are all busy working away. When he enters the factory with the gun all the work stops, the elves gasp and hold their collective breaths with dreaded expectation. They know what is going to happen next.

Poor old Santa, with heavy laboured steps, has to walk along the production lines and choose one elf at random regardless of their length of service, loyalty and productivity has to choose one because someone dared to say “Christmas” before 1st December. The chosen one knows exactly what is coming. Rather than waste time and be a distraction and disturbing productivity by saying farewells to their friends and families they walk with the dignity of a pope with Santa out of the factory, into the woods and snow.

The silence around the factory is so deeply hushed that if a reindeer came in and did a dropping it would echo like an underground train coming into Piccadilly station. As soon as Santa and the elf have left the factory one of the other elves takes up a look out position. He signals just before Santa returns to the factory and they all start working feverishly to meet their production schedules hoping Santa feels they have hardly stopped while he did the deed.

If Santa’s bell rings outside of working hours there is still no escape from the inevitable for the elves. Santa has to remove his shotgun from the cabinet, walk through the elf village with heavy steps, enter an elf home and take one of the elves. It doesn’t matter what they are doing when Santa arrives. They could be having dinner, reading bedtime stories to the baby elves, having dinner, washing up or getting ready for bed themselves. Once Santa has chosen the one that is it. And like in the factory, they don’t bother to say goodbye or anything like that. They walk with Santa into the woods with papal dignity. Everyone knows across the elf village what has happened when a single shot pierces the silence of the Arctic night.

The thing is, it is not just one occasional shot night or day but it is several. On some days it sounds like the first day of the grouse season on the Yorkshire Moors on 12th August. Unlike the grouse season the elf season goes on all year.

With the ever increasing pressure being forced upon consumers about Christmas they are mentioning it even before school summer holidays are over. So, it is not difficult to imagine how many times the “C” word is mentioned, how many times the bell on Santa’s desk rings and how many single gunshots echo across the Elf industrial complex.

This is now creating a real problem amongst the elf workforce in that the number of elves is being decimated because of the rapidly increasing number of times the “C” word is said before 1st December. It is being depleted further because elf parents are becoming increasingly reluctant to bring baby elves into the world knowing that as parents they could be shot at any time rendering their children orphans. Or worse, Santa chooses a child elf to be sacrificed because the bell rings.

To paraphrase one of Ernest Hemingway's most famous books "Do not ask for whom the bell tolls, it could toll for thee".

As the number of elves is forecast to fall because of these factors that means there will be fewer elves to make the toys. This will result in fewer toys being made and Santa will have to, over a Christmas period very soon, will have to start the rather painful process of having to rationing toys.

Around the roads and pavements are concrete markers that allegedly show where the channels for utilities such as gas, water and internet cables lie underground. Markings such as "electricity" are a mere distraction. These markers are memorials to the elves that have lost their lives because someone mentioned the "C" word are commemorated.

So, please hear this plea from the elves.

“Please never ever say the “C” word before the 1st December from 2025 onwards.”

PS I did check with the press office at the elf factory and they confirmed that no elves will be shot when people read the “C” word silently or even write it. This is why I have been able to use it in this piece.