A Call to Arms

"Hello?"

"You're a whore, and you'll always be a whore."

"Frank, you can't talk to me like that."

"What, I can't say the truth?"

"You're drunk, aren't you?"

"Oh, I've had a few. We can't all be perfect like you, honey."

"Goodnight, Frank."

"Don't you dare hang up on me, Linda. You left me all alone in this house. The least you can do is have a conversation with me when I call."

"The least I can do? Is that a joke? I did everything for you, Frank: groceries, laundry, house-cleaning, cooking, raising the boys, entertaining your lousy, foul-mouthed buddies. For years, I wasn't allowed to have a life of my own. And you know what? I finally got sick of being your damn servant."

"Oh, like you didn't get anything in return. I paid for it all! You got to sit on your ass in the comfort of our nice home all those years..."

"Excuse me? You think that your forty-hour work week was so difficult compared to the work of being a twenty-four/seven wife and mother? You got days off. Did I? You got paid vacations. I only got to tag along on whatever trips you wanted to take. You could buy yourself little treats and lunches and whatever else you wanted because you had control of the money. Meanwhile, I had to beg you to pay for me to get an occasional haircut! When I wanted to go out with my friends, I had to ask you to watch your own children! But you could go to the bar whenever you wanted. Never mind me at home with dinner waiting and two rambunctious little boys tearing up the house. You couldn't even be bothered to help me around the house on your days off. But oh, you mowed the lawn once a week and changed the car's oil every six months. Wow. Great help, Frank. So, yes, I finally realized I didn't have to put up with you and that it might just be easier to be single. And you know what? I love it."

"If the kids are so difficult, why are you fighting me for full custody?"

"Because you're a drunk. You're a danger to yourself and others, Frank."

"You sure you want to go with that? Just because I drink beers from time to time doesn't make me dangerous. Especially when I'm sitting on proof of how dangerous you are...killer."

"..."

"Really? No long-winded rant for that one, honey?"

"How dare you bring that up."

"Why? You don't think the family court judge will want to hear all about how you bashed your lover's brains in?"

"I did that for us! You swore you'd be a better husband if I got rid of him!"

"Yeah, but then I got to thinking about what kind of wife I had that would screw around behind my back and then off the poor bastard."

"Well, let's not forget who hid the body, Frank. There's no way I could have loaded him into your truck, driven into those woods, and dug that big hole. I could easily pin the whole thing on you. It wouldn't be hard to convince a jury that you did it out of jealousy in a drunken rage."

"I watch an awful lot of true crime shows, Linda. Ain't no way you'd get out of that trial unscathed. You'd serve some kind of time."

"What exactly are you saying anyway, Frank? That if I agree to joint custody, you'll keep your mouth shut?"

"I'm saying I don't want the divorce at all."

"Frank, we don't even love each other anymore!"

"Does that really matter at this point? We got our problems, but we also have 2 damn good boys and one awful secret. So what's it going to take to keep us together?"

"Well...let's start with you giving me an allowance. I want to have money of my own."

"Yeah, I guess that's fair. Kinda figured you'd push for that."

"And I want a maid to clean the house once a week."

"I can't afford that and an allowance!"

"Oh, please, Frank, you've been stealing from your company for years planning a lavish retirement for yourself. Just use a little to pay for a maid so it doesn't all fall on me."

"Fine, but just every other week."

"Deal. And I want one day a week all to myself. You get days off, and it's time I do, too."

"Aw, hell. That means paying a babysitter, too."

"A babysitter once a week, a maid twice a month, and a little allowance for your wife is a hell of a lot cheaper than alimony and child support, don't you think?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Then...I'll come home. And I'll call my lawyer in the morning and tell him the divorce is no longer happening."

"Wait, I got something I want, too."

"Seriously, Frank? What could you possibly want that you won't already have when me and the boys come back home?"

"Now hold on, don't get all mad - just hear me out. You might like this idea, too. I want a license to cheat."

"Frank!"

"You get one, too! You already stepped out once. I figured you'd be open to it."

"Ugh!"

"Baby, you're getting an allowance, a maid, a babysitter, some freedom. I'm making sacrifices. And I'm forgiving you for cheating."

"You say that like I don't know you're already banging our neighbor's wife."

"...You know about that?"

"I guess it doesn't really matter, does it? I agree to the terms."

"So you and the boys will come home?"

"Yeah, we'll see you in the morning. Goodnight, Frank."

"Goodnight, Linda."