353 Memoirs of Eddie H. Christ, Jesus' Little Brother: Adoration of the Magi

The three wise men—Balthassar, Melchior, and Caspar—came after Jesus' birth. They were Zoroastrian priests, astrologers from Persia,. They came with loot.

Lots.

Their religion, Mazdaism, the divinity of Mazda, was proclaimed by Zoroaster. It shouldn’t be confused with the Japanese import, even if it was "Car of the Year" in Road and Track Magazine.

Actually, only two of them were wise. Balthassar’s IQ was 115—a genius by the standards of those times; Melchior’s, only 100—still considered wise enough. Caspar’s IQ was...lower. He was an imbecile, if you wanna know the truth.

Myrrh.

Nasty stuff. Smells bad. It was good for bad breath, bad gums, and bad hemorrhoids, which neither Joseph nor Mary had—well, not the hemorrhoids. Good for canker sores, too. Cuts, scrapes, stuff like that.

You don’t need much of it.

But Caspar—being Caspar—presented them with about forty pounds of it. No one wants myrrh that much, or you’d see a whole aisle of the stuff next to the coffee at Super Wal-Mart.

It sat in a corner at our place for years, all wrapped up, but that still couldn't keep the stink out. Even the sheep wouldn't come in. Maybe one day, we figured, we could re-gift it. But as it was, our stash would probably still be there by the second frickin’ coming. And that's after we gave a lot of it away, thanks to Uncle Nicodemus.

He gave it to this really aggravating little drummer boy.

"Get the hell out of here with all that pa-rum-pum-pum-pum crap—what a racket!" Uncle Nicodemus shouted at him. Mary flinched on each fourth pum. Joseph let it go; Joseph let a lot of things go.

"And take some of that myrrh with ya, while you’re at it. Damned drums! Who the hell wants drums at a time like this? Go on, get outa here. And don’t forget your goddamn drum! Li'l mamser!”

The little bastard left in tears, but he was set up with enough Myrhh for the rest of his par-rum-pum-pum-pumming life.

(Fun fact: He grew up to be the rhythm-keeper for the slave galley oarsmen on the doomed ship that Quintus Arrius and Ben-Hur survived. The little drummer boy, now, drums with the fishes.)

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

For Wednesday, December 18, Day 353 of the 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge.

366 WORDS (without A/N)

LESS THAN A FORTNIGHT TO GO! THE STORIES KEEP COMING LIKE BURNING OUT LEDS ON A CHRISTMAS TREE ON IN THIS 2024 STORY-A-DAY VOCAL CHALLENGE.

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