191 Astrology 2.0 (Asshōlogy)

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE INTERNATIONAL ASTROLOGICAL UNION

In response to the scientific community which has successfully propagated the idea that astrology is bullshit, we of the IAU have proposed implementation of a new astrological classification based--not on the Zodiac--but the Blowbac system. That is, what people are, based on how they act and the names given them by others.

This is felt to be more accurate than describing individual Zodiac signs, which label persons as bold, competitive, energetic,...loyal but stubborn...versatile but impatient...passionate but uncommunicative, and the like.

Such vagueness is the very reason for science calling Astrology bogus! Imagine people--not as how they act being predicted (vague and wrong), but how they act, in daily predictions. The accuracy's already there on the front end. Science can go fuck itself.

Thus, Astrology reimagined as Asshōlogy, will again re-establish accuracy to personalities and more aptly predict how people's days will go according to horoscopes (now called "Heuroscopes").

Dates of birth will no longer differentiate person types: how they act will. Herein are the NEW SIGNS, to be used immediately:

1. Dicks: rude and inconsiderate, but just don't care.
2. Assholes: usually men--rude, but derive entertainment out of it. Fuck you over just because they can. Two steps above "Dipshits" (see NEXT); one step above "Dicks" (see ABOVE).
3. Dipshits: always men--rude but clueless; stupidly inconsiderate. Fuck you over and don't even know it.
4. Losers: not rude, not crude, just clueless. Just fuck themselves over. Over and over.
5. Shitheads: rude and crude, bringing whole otherwise upstanding families down.
6. Scumbags: males who are rude, crude, and lewd. Two steps below "Losers."
7. Skanks: females who are rude, crude, and lewd. Two steps above "Bitches" (see BELOW).
8. Douchebags: females or males who insist you should act just like they do.
9. Fucktards: "Assholes" (see ABOVE) who try to fuck you over but can't because they are too fucking feckless to actually be "Assholes" (see ABOVE).
10. Numbnuts: (singular and plural) — "Fucktards" (see ABOVE) who wouldn't even think of fucking over those who deserve it.
11. Assclowns: "Scumbags" (see ABOVE) and "Skanks" (see ABOVE) who have ambitions; also, politicians.
12. Bitches: female "Assholes" (not anatomically, but Asshōlogically). Usually, successful women mislabeled by "Losers" (see ABOVE).

STAY TUNED: TOMORROW--YOUR HEUROSCOPE!

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AUTHOR'S NOTE:

For Tuesday, July 9, Day 191 of the 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge

366 WORDS (without A/N)

Title-accompaniment photo was AI-generated but the assholes were not. They walk among us!

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ABOUT THIS SUBMISSION:

Offensive? God, I hope so. I fear I'll lose some subscribers over this one. But every now and then the scatological clutter in the brain must be collected and discarded. My glia had become quite clogged over 190 days, and the stuff just builds up. Herein, I exorcize it, but I'm only half-done, sad to say; tomorrow we'll visit the actual Heuroscopes of these new signs of Asshōlogy.

And also--sad to say--there are signs on this list I've been called.

WHICH ONES HAVE YOU BEEN CALLED IN YOUR LIFE?

Your signs are not who you think you are, but what others think you are--and what they call you, at the very least, under their breath.

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THIS CHALLENGE GRINDS ON, 366 WORDS AT A TIME:

There are currently three surviving Vocal writers still participating in the insane 2024 Story-a-Day Challenge:

• L.C. Schäfer, challenge originator

• Rachel Deeming

• Gerard DiLeo (some other guy)

Read them. Support them. Pray for them. And remember just who you are.