You Should Be Ashamed?

I am hurrying through the supermarket, my child sleeping quietly in his car seat stroller contraption. It’s 7:30 am Christmas Eve and I am, yet again trying not to look shameful as a first time mom showing up to his childcare without holiday incentives for his teachers. I can’t stand to think of what others will think of me and then I think to myself what life choices have led me to this internal battle.

As I dart through the isles of the store with waves of seasonal anxiety threatening to take me under I am slowed by the sight of a mother and child. The boy looks to be at least 10. It’s a record temperature of 11 degrees outside right now and he is wearing shorts and flip flops. He has on a jacket- a light wind breaker to be precise- and now there are intrusive mom shaming thoughts racing to be first in my mind. I feel the heat of embarassment washing over me. I choke down my inner narrative and push forward with my morning trying to to think- not to judge.

There has been a certain mother trending on the internet for the past few weeks or months depending on which reason she has been trending. There is a reason with dirty diapers and more recently alleged straight up abuse and neglect. I have been trying my best to stay out of it, enough people have seen and taken action by the time that I came to the Nurse Hannah party.

There are videos the nurse has posted in regard to her family life and the choices she makes in particular to raising her children. The most controversial four videos I have come across contain footage of her allegedly denying her child a winter coat, pulling a chair from under her child, flicking the child’s finger when reaching for food and her eldest son flinching when his father approached him quickly to hand him something while out grocery shopping. There is also a bonus video/ video series that was much older which revealed that she was 25 weeks pregnant and had not been to the doctor yet. This is the point for me where I became torn.

These videos began to surface after the mother went viral counting 17 dirty diapers that she found around her house and shared them to her social media account. People were both disgusted and understanding of the mom’s experience. The internet went into a debate almost equally split into two sides. Was this abuse or postpartum survival mode? There was even a hashtag trend where women shared their postpartum survival stories, standing beside the transparent mama. However, as the world began to watch her there was MUCH less of a divide. Yet and still there is a divide. If you head over to the comment section under any related video you will find at least one person defending her. I was taken aback by this, I don’t personally agree with her at all but there is one controversial stance she took that I would take. If I could have it my way, my next baby would be overseen by a midwife and I would avoid doctor’s as much as possible.

Refusing to see a doctor is definitely taboo in our western culture and around a lot of the world, but ,not everywhere. There are plenty of cultures around the world who do not see doctors during their pregnancies; either because it is not available or it is not culturally appropriate to them. So then the question is, what can you really say to that? I would believe that most of the people on the internet in 2024 would say that shaming someone else’s culture is ignorant and inappropriate. However, when it comes to Hannah people are horrified and offended by her choice. Considering her as a whole, absolutely a red flag, but if you isolate the concept and apply it to someone else, under different circumstances, does it still insite rage? Does it insite empathy? A PTSD episode?

You could say to her stance “In this country we have health care available and in our American culture we trust doctors and modern medicine.” Yes, this is a social norm here but it certainly is not a law. In fact it is her right as an American to choose to decline prenatal care. Can we really call this neglect or abuse? I don't think so.

So why is it being called abuse? What about this insites fear and concern for the child? Is it our knowledge of how much at risk the mother and child could be not recieving care? The mortality rate associated with childbirth? Is it our own experiences in the prenatal care appointments? Finding out news that took our breath away or allowed us to take a sigh of relief?

In return, the opposite could be said for why I take the same stance. Not all stories have the choices that Hannah has. Whether we want to admit it or not Health care has major challenges, especially for women of color who have a high mortality rate due to seeking prenatal care and trusting doctors. The CDC reports that black women death rates are 2.6 times higher than their white counterparts.

I am left not really knowing how to feel about it, the boundaries that we hold for our neighbors, our fellow parents. How do we fairly decide to say this life experience excuses one mother but not the other? Yes my stance is backed by data but i’m sure her stance is also rooted in something she experienced to shape such an opposing choice, rather she discloses that or not. Moreover, even if this was just rage bait there are sub members in our society who also do not seek medical help, at all. Are their choices not to be respected? Do we get the right to shame something like this? Should I be ashamed for my stance if others don’t see where I am coming from?

Discussion in the comments below?