Would it make more sense to turn your best friend into a lover?

Recently, I read the new novel "Beautiful World, Where Are You" by Sally Looney, an upstart Irish writer. She is best known for her second novel, Normal People, which explores intimacy and the spiritual trajectory of millennials, and It's a Beautiful World, which takes human relationships a step further.

One of the heroine Irene has a full 5 years older than her "childhood sweetheart" Simon, from the teenage years began, they will maintain a far and close friend relationship. When they were young, they were spiritually compatible friends, and when they grew up, they were still the most trustworthy people in each other's heart, although they had their own lovers. Finally, they go round and round and decide to be together.

It turns out that the relationship path from friends to lovers is quite common.

In 2019, actress Lin Zhiling suddenly announced her wedding news, which made everyone gasp for romance. She and her fiance, Yoshihei Kurosawa, met on the set of the stage play "Red Cliff Love" eight years ago and remained friends until the end of 2018 when they became lovers.

Of course, I also have friends who spent two years exchanging emails with classmates before they became lovers.

According to the Study, published in the July 2021 issue of the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science, nearly 200 people surveyed had been friends for an average of 20 months before entering into a romantic relationship with their partner, and more than 47 percent of them thought it was best for friends to become romantically involved.

As friends spend more time together and they get to know each other better in deep communication, this feeling can create a sense of trust that transcends any relationship, and research shows that this understanding is the foundation of high-quality intimate relationships. Because being good friends is probably also a sign of mutual appreciation, or relative congruence with each other's perceptions of the world.

In It's a Beautiful World, Erin often calls Simon when she is frustrated or lonely or depressed, because she knows he is always ready to accept her and listen to her, and she can be completely tolerated and understood by him. As for Simon, he always treated his childhood sweetheart with the same tenderness and patience as when he was a child, and of course she was always his first thought when he felt lonely and heartbroken.

They often make long phone calls to each other until the cracks in their hearts heal, as if the hair of two small animals are smoothed, and they hang up the phone and fall asleep. A familiar, safe feeling put them both at ease.

But it's not so easy to go beyond friendship to romance.

In general, we think of gentleness, thoughtfulness, kindness and respect as good qualities for both men and women, but the person who makes you feel this way is more likely to be your best friend.

The feeling of dependability and security from a good friend is probably the biggest barrier to a couple moving forward.

Esther Perel, a sexologist, argues that intimacy and sexual desire are two mutually exclusive feelings. Close friends have a high level of intimacy, but intimacy is a feeling of familiarity and security. But the desire and longing for love needs to be formed in the midst of danger, uncertainty and heartbreak.

As a result, some people may have "no feelings" for a close friend they already know very well.

All too often, one person has feelings for the other, but the other person is unaware of it or even shows no intention of it.

But that doesn't mean it's not possible. At this point, if someone tries to do something different to break up that familiar feeling, maybe the relationship will change. Maybe it's taking them on a trip to a new place they've never been to before. Maybe it's taking them to a new sport they've never done before. Or physical contact (as long as the other person doesn't reject it, of course).

Perhaps, as it says in Beautiful World, "Human relationships are soft, like sand or water, and we give them shape by pouring them into a particular container".

The question is, do you want to experiment with a different relationship? Close relationships may be more different from friends, with more expectations for each other that may not be met. Some people are afraid that if they break up, they will lose their best friend forever. But how do you know if you don't try?

Like in the novel, Eileen and Simon finally stop being afraid, pour water into a new container, and wait for it to take shape.