Would it be better?

"I know have to remember you longer than I have known you." A quote that has been stuck in my mind ever since I heard it. I don't know who it's by, but it's torn me to shreds. Never in my life did I ever imagine I would wake up one morning to the love of my life gone forever. Never did I imagine I would have to make that call to his parents, family and friends. He wasn't sick, he wasn't a "junkie", he was perfectly fine. The day before was a normal day. I woke up at 6AM to feed the cats and he woke up at 8. Which was odd for him since he usually slept until 1 or 2PM. But, I was happy he was up so early. More time to spend with him.

I look back on all our memories together, the night we met, our first date. Where after telling me how he would never drink Jaeger again, someone sitting behind us offered him a shot of it and he took it.

"So what happened to 'never again'?" I laughed at him. He shrugged his shoulders and said it would be a waste; and he wasn't one to waste alcohol. It's something we both laughed at when re-telling the story. His favorite to tell was about the night we met. How when he saw me he immediately fell in love. How my blue eyes stood out among everyone and everything else. That he knew I was "the one" the second he saw me. How he spent all night talking to me, snuck me scotch (since I was 20), and how I left with another guy. Someone I had been "chasing". Him not believing I tried to find him to say goodbye. I would tell him that at least, in the end, he got me. He would smile and say -

"Damn right I did, and I'm the luckiest man in the world." And would lean in to kiss me, stroke my face, and smile. My favorite story to tell was how I decided to give him a chance. He came over to spend the night where me and my daughter were living at the time. We decided to watch "The Amazing Spider-Man" because he had never watched it before. My daughter and I shared a room and she ended up waking up. She was three at the time and Spider-Man was her absolute favorite. So of course she wanted to stay up and watch with us. When she wanted to come into bed with the two of us I was a little nervous at how he would react, but he went over, picked her up and put her in between us. She was smitten, she definitely fell in love with him before I did. Watching how he acted and treated her, not angry she "messed up" any potential..."plans", but happy to talk Spider-Man with her. When she finally went to sleep I put her back in her crib and, for the first time, put my head on his chest. Without being asked, or him saying "Come here" while holding his arm out.

I could feel the smile radiating from him and sure enough when I looked up at him it was ear-to-ear. Cheeks with a hint of red from blushing. He put his arms around me and I looked up again and kissed him. My first real kiss to him, not him to me. The first time I put my hand on his face and just smiled. We stayed like that the rest of the night until he had to leave in the morning.

After my daughter woke up and he was gone she was so upset. Screaming and crying for me to "bring him back". I told her I couldn't, that he had to work, which only made her cry more. I sent him a text asking if it was okay to call and he said yes. I called and told him what was going on and he spoke to her saying if she wants to see him again he will come by after work. Afterwards I asked her,

"So you like him, huh?" To which she replied

"Mommy I love him." With tears still in her eyes but smiling. I asked her if she wanted him to be my boyfriend and she very excitedly said "YES!" That night after he had come over for a few hours again, and his tenth time asking me to be his girlfriend, I said yes. I never expected the love I would have for him. I never knew you could love someone that much, besides your own child/ren. Even after eight years together he still gave me butterflies when kissing me or touching me a certain way. Sure we fought as any couple does. More so in the pandemic from being stuck at home 24/7. But my love for him never wavered.

Which is why losing him is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I knew the second I saw his legs on our patio he was gone. I knew when I saw where exactly he was. When I touched him and it didn't feel right. When he was ice cold even though his legs were exposed. It still didn't stop me from shaking him as hard as I could to "wake him up". I knew he wouldn't. I'm just thankful I didn't open his eyes like I was going to. Even still it didn't stop me from screaming at him to wake up. Screaming to not leave me, screaming to the sky to wake him up and give him back to me. The 9-1-1 operator finally stopped asking me to put him on his back when I finally managed to lift his 2-3 inches and his head and neck didn't move. Which, now thinking about it...lifting his shoulder shouldn't have moved his neck and head.

I went into a hole. I tried finding ways online to turn back time. To "astral project" into another timeline where he may still be alive. Or to astral and go back in time to make sure I woke up when he tripped and fell. Hitting his head causing him to pass out. I purchased pendulums to speak to him, spent hundreds on tarot readers, psychic mediums, witches. All to try and speak to him or see if there was a way I could go back. It's been four months now and I still feel the same as I did the morning I found him. Empty, alone, depressed, anxious, scared. I was always afraid of the dark and then he came into my life and I was no longer afraid. I'm afraid again. I see a video or article or picture that makes me smile and I turn to where he should be sitting and he's..no longer there.

I message him every day, or almost everyday. Because if I don't then what will he think? What would he think if he were to come back and there's nothing from me? He would think I didn't love him..like he had already thought before he died. When we had our private viewing the employees had to force me to leave. I screamed, I kissed him, I put my forehead on his, I held his face. My tears essentially wiping away the make-up. I didn't care as I had already seen him gray and lips slightly blue and purple.

Anyway, I sit here thinking back on all our memories together. Wishing I did some things different. To make him feel more loved and appreciated. Thinking back on all our fights and arguments and thinking how stupid they were. How they were so unimportant. It's nothing but pain. What should be happy just stabs me in the heart. I can feel my heart literally breaking. I've even thought that I wish I had never met him because the pain of losing him is something I can't handle. Would it have been better? If we never met? I don't know. Part of me says yes, but a major part of me says no. Because I needed his love. I needed his kindness.

So, to any couples out there - don't take it for granted. Because you quite literally never know what will happen. Tomorrow isn't promised and I learned that in a very hard and harsh way. Go right now and kiss your significant other and tell them you love them. Go hold them tight. If you're fighting go apologize and remind them of how much you truly love them. Because you could wake up one morning and never get to kiss them again.