Why Guilt Is the Initial Feeling of People Who Were with a Loved One Who Passed Away

A person I know confessed feeling guilty about being there when her nephew, unfortunately, didn’t make it out of the hospital only weeks after he was born. From what I remember, her sister was working so she attended in her place at the hospital. In the moment of critical decision-making that the hospital staff bestowed on her, acting fast was necessary. The operation had to be done and she did what was utmost best in the situation. After all, being laid in a position of judgment and authority for a life-changing decision was almost always consequently preceded by feelings of regret or uncertainty. But amidst all that also is the strength of emotion and utter faith that your decision was an intention meant to save a life.

It was maybe around 3 years ago that this story was set; and around a few years next, my Mom passed away. That person’s grief and loss experience was a testament to feeling initial guilt after such sad news. Being there in the last final breaths of a person you hold dear and not having any control despite only hoping for the good was utterly heart-wrenching. She further testified in her grief and loss story that it was favorable for her to have been in her sister’s place instead of the other way around. She concluded that it was better that way and imagining her sister being in her place was even more difficult.

In my grief and loss experience, I started feeling guilty over the fact that Dad and I were there with Mom — but we had no way of saving her or it felt like we didn’t do enough to have prevented her from dying. (Which was beyond our control, of course.) My Dad was supposed to celebrate his 50th birthday two days after we lost my Mom. So, there was a secret party to be held and people were invited to come. The venue was an island away from my Mom’s relatives — my lola and ninong were only hours away from docking the ship they were sailing at to the port, and for them to not have reached my Mom during her final breathing moments was also something I carried with me.

The guilt that was left after Mom passed away was evident in my self-awareness. Since the thought after the fact invaded my mind, my behavior soon established its course. I didn’t like showing myself to people in the wake for fear of being criticized. Mom and I and occasionally my Dad — adhered to the low-carb and fasting lifestyle or way of eating for several years now. My Mom started this diet out first and influenced Dad and me after a short while. It was against the norm for people to always eat meat and savor fats even when it was the primary food source for humans millions of years ago.

In addition, having been exposed to the story of the decision-maker in such a crucial matter, I decided to look after my Dad which seemed more right to me. He was there when my Mom first started complaining, meanwhile, I was in school, oblivious and in a depressed episode. Dad was the decision maker and he was there beside Mom when she was rushed to the hospital, driven in an ambulance. When an operation or medical consent had to be done for the recovery of my Mom, Dad had the authority since he was present. All I wanted to remember from the moment Mom didn’t make it was to hug my Dad — just to make him feel that he did his best and it was enough.

From this experience, I recommend communication and connection with others to be important and helpful to those bereaved. It simply won’t be easy to deal with all the things yourself let alone to process or comprehend the tragedy. Of course, each person has their own set of ways to deal with the grief. Sometimes, it takes a day of full silence or a year of new activities for the stages of grief to ensue. There are more severe cases where people don’t even arrive at acceptance; and I hope in my heart that they may heal and rebuild themselves because they deserve to do that for peace — that the soul of the departed may attain and for those bereaved to achieve in mind.

Coming back to the story I promptly shared, it was unreasonable to feel guilty or to shame oneself for what has happened. Even the person who confessed to it acknowledges this impairment. It seems like it was a phase coming out of a situation of bereavement.

I now realize some important instruments for growth and self-forgiveness. After recognizing my efforts to sustain Mom’s life as I reviewed my experiences with her when she was still with us, I know there’s absolutely no need for me to be guilty. This verifies that my feelings and thoughts back then were only fallacies or cognitive distortions coming from a phase of grief.

Regardless of losing my Mom, unlike some people who didn’t have a good relationship with their mothers — I had a great relationship with mine. To the point, I could not think of anything I regretted not doing while she was alive. I know our relationship had been good and it was fulfilling to think that had she survived the tragedy, it would have been the same — there wouldn’t be any regret. I loved and cared for her genuinely. I admit the genuineness wasn’t considered all the time but it far outweighs the gravity and quality spent in giving her what love she always deserved.

Our time together was short — that, I also admit, however, her presence and positive impact on me made a big difference equivalent to life. This experience and tragedy in itself served me much more than loss. There is only growth and self-mastery ahead. Now that I’ve forgiven myself for feeling guilty after her passing, another milestone of growth has been achieved.