Where you lead, I will follow

How do i sum up all I have learnt from the amazing woman who brought me into this world. My best friend, my rock, my Lorelai to her Rory and for many years my only reason to stay alive.

My mum has always said that she knew from a young age that all she wanted was to be a mother, I guess that is why she had such natural instincts for it. We were bonded from the moment we first saw each other, well according to the story of my birth that I hear on repeat daily. I was finally handed to her after quite a few hours of getting me out of the warm, safe cocoon I had been living in. I looked up, smiled and she said, “Hello Amy, I’m your mum” Love at first sight. That is perhaps one of the first lessons she taught me, unconditional love.

Not particularly shown it from a young age it still amazes me that my mum was able to learn and interpret love in a way that not a lot of people can. Without condition. She loves without expecting the same in return and without judgement. I have always tried to maintain that standard, especially when it comes to her, unfortunately a lot of the time she has not been given the same feeling of worth that she helps other people feel.

Which brings me to another lesson. Resilience. I have only found out in recent years to what extent my mum's battles have ranged from. I lived through an abusive marriage with her, but she had already battled many demons before my dad came into the mix. What amazes me though is that she battled it all on her own, even from a young age. Picking herself up by her knicker elastic (a quote she uses often) and carrying on. As much as I wish I could take the pain and harsh memories away from her, I am also in some ways grateful because without knowing it she has given me her strength just by teaching me to own my past and not run away from it.

I would love to view my mum as wonder woman, and in fact I often do. However, I also get reminded sometimes that she is just human. Which taught me one of the most important lessons. Its okay not to be okay. Having suffered with mental illness most of my life, I hated burdening people by sharing it. I viewed it as my burden to bear alone. My mum however would not allow that. Any battles that rage inside of me, she will be right there beside me, armour on, ready to run into the fire. Yet she too has dark moments, moments where she cannot smile, cannot get out of bed, cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel, but she talks about it. Open and honest with me and everyone around her she admits when she is not doing okay and funnily enough it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Teaching me not to be afraid to let people see my dark side as I love her for hers and she loves me for mine.

These lessons have been the most important to me because they have literally saved my life on numerous occasions. Reasons for me not to give up, to know I am loved even if I cannot feel that way about myself. To own my battles as I am not the only person in the world experiencing it. My mum has taught me I am never alone, even if I feel lonely and locked away in my own mind. I have a person who understands or at least tries to and will support me even if she does not quite agree with every decision. She knows that I need to learn from my own mistakes and not just some of hers.

I know there are no perfect humans, everybody will make mistakes, but I think there are people who are born to be bring life into this world and are perfect at that job and without a doubt my mum definitely is.