When there are no words

Just looking around at this crazy world we’re living in, it can get mighty overwhelming sometimes....

I mean everywhere you look anymore there’s something making no sense. I swear.

We’re tearing down newer buildings to make bigger newer buildings, & there’s blocks of condemned or foreclosed houses, sitting empty, while there are businesses consolidating down to minimal employees working from only one office now & the homeless population, displaced, are getting in trouble for sleeping on park benches. Why? (Smh)

And of course, everyone can undoubtedly relate to this damn virus bullshit. I’m sick to death of it all. I hate it more than I’ve hated anything ever.

I’m sick of not seeing people’s faces & of people not being able to see me smile at them. I’m sick of washing my hands 50 times a day & not being able to share food or even hugs.

I’m sick of being afraid ... so afraid of life that life is passing me right by. Yet I take the precautions, I do my best & I try to lead by example for all those that know me. I had a close friend who tested positive for the virus and it scared the hell out of me but she made it thru it fine & none of the rest of us got sick, thankfully.

But I’m so tired of hiding and of trying anymore... I hate hearing anyone mention the “new normal” cause there’s nothing about this that feels normal to me. So where’s the “new normal” at these days? What’s normal? Yeah it’s all new, sure that I’ll give em... but normal? ... umm no...

For the last year of my life I’ve adjusted to new normals... my bonus mom had a heart attack, double bypass surgery & came home on oxygen... new normal. Have fun.

We spent so much time learning new things with her and for her... who the oxygen concentrator, about diet plans for heart health and healing times and what she could expect and what she needed to monitor. Bought the pulse of and the blood pressure monitor and the little under the desk bike and a smart watch to monitor her pulse too. New grocery lists, new ways of cooking, new ways of living.

She watched the news daily and was terrified of covid, so she barely ever left the house unless it was to go to the dr. And some of those appointments didn’t even matter enough to draw her out those days. Physical therapy... yeah she went for a while but then it got to be too much. Too much stess... too much worry. Oh then the shut down for a while so then u can’t go anyway. Nice huh. Fuck no it wasn’t nice ... none of that shit was nice ... but guess what, I’d take all of that bulls it & more any day of the week, if I could bring her back home now.

Those few appointments might not have seemed like much at the time... and sure, we kept her highly sheltered from covid...well guarded. I was proud of that. But none of it even mattered because her heart gave out anyway... her lungs couldn’t handle this life anymore. She didn’t get to stay here with us & this is a new normal I don’t know how to even begin to deal with.

It’s been one month today... one painstakingly long month of tears ...that somehow seems like it’s lasted forever but gone by in no time at the same time. This new normal can shove it where the sun don’t shine cause it’s not fair dammit. It wasn’t her time, I’m convinced. And we weren’t ready to let her go either!! But nobody asked us huh?! That’s not how this goes I guess... other people have gone thru these things I’m sure & they make it out on the other side, so I hear... & well, I’m not sure yet if I will... we’ll see ...

What I wouldn’t give for some good ol’ miserable, boring, same-old-same kinda normal again.