What is parental alienation syndrome?

In my childhood I experienced two heartbreaking divorces. My mother and my step father were getting a divorce after 7 plus years and my father and stepmother were divorcing after 7 plus years. Meaning they divorced at the same time. I was taught to love and respect all four of my parents. Suddenly it was a war zone. I had to choose who I was loyal too. I was in the middle. All of them said disgusting things about the other in our presence like they wanted our agreement and approval.

My stepmother decided to brutalize my father. When he was sleeping she called the cops on him and made a false report that he was trying to kill her. My father called me from jail asking why would she do this. It destroyed me emotionally. I felt so helpless for my dad and I was only a child. At such a young age I did not know how to comfort the man or make sense of her actions. All I knew is once a married couple decided they didn't love one another they did horrible and unforgiving things to each other took any oppournity to bad month each other.

One day my step mother even moved everything out of the house while he was at work; and I mean EVERYTHING. We had to make a table out of wood and use lawn chairs for a long time. I saw the room and my former home and broke into tears. She also stole money from my fathers business and left him sinking under water for a long time.

However this behavior from my parents started with my biological mother when I was just a small child. When my mom and dad divorced when I was 6; my mom would go on and on about how horrible my dad was. She also said that a woman should never trust a man and always live independently. My dad would trash my mother. I hated the tension- I hated the yelling and the fighting more. It was unbearable I started having intense emotions I could feel all over my body and I could not release it. I started scratching my body with my nails. It was like I had absorbed all the hate and negativity and I was being tortured mentally. I was in a battle field and the fighting never stopped. If it wasn't at my mothers house it was at my dads.

It gave me anxiety because I had no control over the situation. It gave me deep sadness because I was so aware of everyone's feelings emotions and negativity. As a family we lost our ability to communicate and love one another. We only knew how to hurt one another physically and mentally. I saw other families and I was just amazed at their ability to function so peacefully. I watched in utter amazement. I would go to my friends family and I witnessed a true loving family. There was no fighting. Her mom made a meal everyday for her family. There parents helped them with their homework and showed interest in their lives and wellbeing. They loved and respected one another. They laughed and expressed there love. I yearned for this normal family interaction.

I learned my mom must be mentally ill very young. Her moods were dangerously erratic and at 12 I wanted to fix it by putting antidepressants in my moms coffee. At such a young age I was so aware my mother was sick and I needed help. Watching others made me realize her behavior was not the norm and she was very abusive. I mean there was so much rage in my family my two sisters would gang up and beat me up. Once I had marks all over my arms in grade four. they created deep wounds that created scars. CPS was called but my mom somehow convinced them to go away. I still wonder to this day could could I have been saved that day? a family rule was created by my mother. No one was to love or show kindness to Julia in anyway. They grew to hate me just as my mother did. They often left me in snow when I fell as we were call getting inside after school. I often laid there for more then 20 mins trying to get up with no gloves on. They often pushed away there hand when I asked for help and fell. They stole my belongings and constantly yelled at me. By the time my sisters were older they would not even talk in the same room as me. If I entered they would seemly move to another room and ignore me.

A child does not understand why everyone is now hating one another or why they always have. Especially a child like me who was empathic compassionate and extremely sensitive. Why cant we just get along I thought. Why cant we love and respect one another? I was aware of everyone's feelings. As a child I even wanted peace and understanding. I tried to bring peace by trying to come in-between conflicts but I was always told to shut up and stay out of it.

Even though my father had spent years telling us we had to love our new step mom and respect her- we were now bullied and yelled at when we talked to my stepmom. We had grown to love this woman. Since my father was never around on our weekends- she had raised us. And now as children we were not permitted to love her. It was confusing. In fact he cried to his friends about how his children couldn't possibly love him because they still talk to there stepmom. He even got his friends to chastise us for doing so. Just because he no longer loved a woman- his children had to hate her. We had to or we did not love our dad anymore.

Children who experience this are unable to trust love and relationships. Because of the instability they witnessed as children they no longer believe relationships are real. I started to believe that there was no need to get married; and that people should just stay together until they don't want to anymore. I did not believe in marriage at all. I did not believe in unconditional love or being in love. As adults we did not know how to connect to a man or create a lasting relationship. We are all so afraid of people and their true nature. They would only use and hurt us.

I walked on egg shells wondering what would happen next with my mothers moods behavior and attitudes towards us. One moment she was a loving mother the next she wished she never gave birth to us. I did not trust her. I was afraid of her. It created in myself a dark and unstable personality. I saw the world as a dark depressing place and started developing major depression. I later developed borderline personality disorder. I was afraid of being abandoned and unloved. My moods were everywhere. I had no control over my emotions.

My mom made me believe as a child that my dad was a bad man and we should not trust him. Yes, as 8 year old we were told he was an alcoholic and not a good father. We felt we had to be in alliance with our mother because we wanted her love and acceptance. She showed us so much rejection and lack of love at home we yearned for her acceptance. Let me tell you as a child you trust your parent is telling the truth. We thought our mother could do no wrong and was only trying to protect you from men.

My mom gave us rules as well. We were not allowed to discuss home life my mother or anything that happened at home at our dads for the weekend. Our dad would desperately probe us for answers about our week and we stayed quite in fear. We would refuse to talk. If one of us was out of line by talking to much we would kick them under the table to shut them up. I remember witnessing my father desperately crying because he thought his children hated him. It broke his heart to the core. But our mom was abusive and very manipulative and since we had to live with her full time to keep the peace and to stop the abuse we were on her side.

My mother became more unstable in time. Kicking us out of the house yelling screaming and hitting us . But the most profound damage came from the phycological abuse we all suffered. Personally as her disabled child she reminded me how horrible I walked and how curved my back was. She could freak out if you cooked and left a mess. She had become so distant we had to cook meals because all she really did was ignore us and talk on the phone with her friends. We were not her concern.

This is a violent and soul crushing environment. You never witness healthy loving constructive interactions. For example laughing and loving and being positive and treating people with respect. All we knew were chaotic environments that were explosive. At any moment a bomb could go off. Every day we dreaded the moment our mother came home from work. It meant it was yelling time. She would find anything wrong with the house and start throwing dishes at us. She also started hitting us in the face so often that if anyone made a sudden movement we would instinctively cover our face thinking a hit was coming and we needed to protect yourself. She also joyfully played games where she looked like she was gonna hit us but she would stop before she got to our face. We were in fight or flight mode all the time. I developed complex PTSD.

I felt safe when we moved into a house where the bathroom locked. My anxiety would be so bad that I would lock myself in the bathroom and as I heard her screaming at my sisters- to ease the fear and anxiety I started cutting myself with scissors. I just wanted to feel safe. Tension starting moving all over my body torturing me. It started presenting itself in my arms as they shook with fear. I had to find a release and calm myself so I started cutting my arms. I was internalizing everything and thought I was going to explode. Cutting gave me something to focus on something to ground me. However it was unhealthy and destructive. I even thought people would see the marks on my skin as an SOS sign for help and someone would get out of this situation. As a young teenager I believed someone would ask what's wrong. No one ever did even though everyone saw them. I did finally go to a social worker at 18 but she said in this case she would call CPS but I was 18 now and have aged out of the system so she didn't feel she could do anything to protect me. I was vulnerable disabled and being abused but it did not matter. I lost my faith in people.