How my mothers hatred towards me almost killed me and my future

I was recently very sick and my body was never the same. All of a sudden I could not participate in society like I used to. My legs were too weak. But to add to my anguish and fear my family expected me to be the same person they always remembered and if I needed more help- I would be the victim of there anger and frustration and yelling. If you have read my stories I got covid went through a kidney infection then had a toe infection for 8 months and I could not walk. I was wheelchair bound and the antibiotics made me so weak I thought my body was shutting down. I couldn't get in a car use a walker or even walk. But they expected me to be able to do whatever they wanted and if I struggled helping me annoyed them like hell. I felt so much rejection.

My mental health spiralized very fast. I started having 6-10 anxiety attacks today fully believing I was dying. I stopped sleeping. I cried all the time. I was so depressed I was ready to take my life. Without the ability to walk to be healthy I had no value. My mother told me it was all my fault and said she no longer wanted to be my mom or caregiver and had no feelings of empathy or love towards me. I thought omg I really am worthless. I really am not loved.

As months went by and I just got sicker and weaker I wished I had the bravery to take my life. Night after night if I sept I would have night terrors because it was how I was processing all the change in my life and all the hate I was receiving from my family. In these dreams I was tortured and raped and held hostage in my dreams. I was liberally was kept awake in these dreams being tortured to the point where I would scream out the lords prayer and ask him to help me. After 6 months I worried I was heading towards the hospital but I knew I was so disabled at this point it would be too difficult to do so.

Thankfully I saw a new doctor and he changed my meds. I started sleeping. I started feeling better. My moods improved greatly. I had one minor psychoses episode for two days from 6 days of no sleep. It was so scary. I was hearing things seeing things and was completely paranoid and scared. I was out of tune with reality. I thought to myself if everyday is going to be a form of torture mentally physically psychotically I cant do this anymore I was so weak I could barely get food for myself. I stopped eating all together. My will to live was gone. for a year and a half I was stuck in my home unable to do anything. with the wound on my toe I was forbitten to put on my shoes or walk. I had nightmares that my family would abandon me in a nursing home if I got to weak or too mentally ill and couldnt take care of myself. I knew they did not care where I ended up or my well being. My mom already abandoned me in group homes in my teens where I was abused. I was having flash backs of abuse as a child of al the bad things she did and caused. The past was more alive them the present and I could not allow this. I Gave it to God. I told myself everyday I was loved and I was a wonderful person. I told myself that my mother caused this pain and hatred towards myself. I was actually a wonderful person! I let go of the lies I rejected everything! I let love in!

I held on to some kind of hope. I prayed like I never had before. My toe after a year healed completely. Now I am in PT 3 times a week and I am getting stronger. I had to learn to let go of my mother as a mother. I just wanted her a friend but she didn't even want that. She never liked that she had a disabled child. I cant change that. But I almost let her words towards me kill me. I repeated words of hate over and over and thought I deserved it. I thought her truth was my truth.

I let her words almost take my life. If I believed her ideas about me I would have surely died. I had to reject her and seek the truth and love myself. She was always blaming me for being sick and calling me fat and lazy. She even said I struggled with mental heath because I took medication to treat it. She said I was a drug addict for taking all the medication I needed to be well. Even though my friends would assure me that this person was crazy and unwell herself I wanted my mom to know I was trying my best. I wasn't what she thought. I just wanted to be loved from this woman. She had no love to give.

My lesson to share: family or not if they are toxic throw them away like the garbage they are. There words are killing you. There presence is killing you. Break free and heal. You will have PTSD and it does not mean you have to forgive this person. Heal yourself love yourself seek the truth in what happened. Your feelings about the past are valid. But if you live in the past you can never become who you are in the present and the future. you are a hostage to the past and it tortures you everyday. Don't give your torturer's that power. Seek help. Journal. Read. Reach out. You are loved. And remember anything anyone says to you or does to you has more to do with them then you. Mom hated me because I reminded her of herself and I was not born perfect. That is her shame and her guilt . I will shine.