What feels like an endless cycle

I've written just once before and it shared how my family has had negative impact upon me. That my stories will be about struggles and the things that have occurred over the years; as I call it my free therapy to express myself. A counselor/therapist I have found cut you off in sharing fully what you need to just simply get off your chest and I have never found success in them assisting me. I need to just vent to get it out and often when sharing with a good friend they simply just don't fully understand either as all think its jus too easy to stop being there for others. So when I say an endless cycle and a family who can't appreciate; it's as simple as that they know I will be there to help but they show very little appreciation. Or even express it in any little way occasionally to let me know they really do notice and appreciate all I do to assist them.

It's been a constant cycle and it's been in the last year and a half that I've really noticed it the most with it being the year that my family basically needed it the most. The pandemic had nothing to do with my family needing me; it would've been alot simplier if it was. It first started with my sister who was at an crossroad if to keep a job she had, who was pulling out of a city altogether and she could go to another city. I was at a crossroad myself with a job closing my location in the location as well and not being able to take a transfer to another city with the offer not working for my daughter and I. I wanted a change myself so I told my sister we could move together to this other city and we made the plans. Everything was set and we were off. To wrap it up in short; she assumed she we would get a certain amount from here company and she did not. Therefore, I had the funds and it ended up being on me; of which this was not learned of until we were already on the road and had already paid for a place and uhual loaded/paid for.

Fast forward a bit with the move; my sister made little effort with the money she did get from work to really assist in the build up of our new place. She was more worried about making sure she went and got all new things for her space than to concern herself with knowing I spent a good chunk of my savings to get us there and set up. Knowing I would still be looking for a job and income would be more limited. Whereas she already had a secured job and guaranteed income coming in. She couldn't understand why I would be upset. As the next few months went by she started to mirror herself to a male tenant she met at the pool and his kids. The guys daughter was at our house all the time. She was always making sure she had the things the little girl liked and babying the young girl. Now this was only an issue for me as she would not include my daughter; who she would promote herself on Facebook as being such a great aunt towards. She was spending all her time making sure she 'ran into' the dad with information she found out that she wasn't helping with the things she agreed to help with before we moved. After several months it finally became a breaking point for me after she took the guys daughters side; especially after the little girl had stolen some of my daughters stuff over my daughter and myself. But let's not also forget the biggest nail in the coffin was when her car was stolen and she was telling people I had something to do with it. I packed my daughter and I's stuff up and left. Though most things in the place were mind; to include the new washer/dryer I bought as I had the credit and she didn't, I left behind to make my leaving easier. Yes, maybe I should have taken it. But I found it easier to leave without all the big items. Did I get a thank you - NO. Since then has she tried to give me money for the W/D or living room set I also had bought once we got there - NO. I've seen her spend money like she has plenty of it; but why break it down here. It's her cycle of never being grateful what her FAMILY had done to help her get where she is. She truly has never really gotten anything on her own merit. But that's all I am saying there. I've been able to remove myself from her.

The last year I have been here helping my parents as both have had multiple health issues impact them. My mother's health has been going downhill for a few years now, so when my (step)father's health took a few turns I decided I would return to where they were to help out. Give my daughter time to get to know her grandparents more before any unfortunate events happened. Then the pandemic hit and it put a stall in making any major moves; and thankfully I was already working remote for my company to stay longer in the area to help them. I love my parents. They have allowed me to return home after a very toxic and violent relationship ended when I finally woke up as one would say and left before the worse could happen. It's just that they have let their home fall apart almost to where you have to wonder how long it will continue to stay standing in the sense of being a sound and safe place for them to live. I found myself again using my own money and putting off getting into my own place to keep putting money into their place to keeping it standing and a healthy environment with their ailing health. I still have to work full time; and do so remotely still (have to thank the pandemic for that). Take care of my daughter who is a toddler (age 3 1/2) and into everything as young ones are. Very curious at their age. So it's a struggle when they leave scissors or knives just laying around with little regard to a toddler in the house.

With working full time, caring for my daughter, and even crazy enough to go back to school to get my Master's (figured if I waited to long I would never do it); the large amount of housework and repairs I do around the house goes without appreciation. I don't need to hear a thank you everyday or often; however, when they just expect me to do all the housework and to have dinner ready every night it does seem a bit more like I am a live in housekeep/cook than their daughter. I mean their is about 10% effort from either to assist in any upkeep of the house. True I live a little cleaner in being very organized with my stuff and always ensuring the house (when I had my own place) looked ready for company. But how do two people who spent time in the military live with little regard to cleanliness at this point. My mother has never been a great housekeeper; she atleast use to be pretty good with cooking. But the level of housekeeping now is just unbelievable that if I didn't clean things it would be a nasty environment that no one would walk into. Yes, I almost prefer to cook to know that the meal would be something that was edible. Her cooking skills have come to she would rather go through a drive-thru or takeout. And with both their health neither would be ideal.

Maybe alot of my irritation is just sitting her watching two people who have a young grandchild in the world not seem to care about their own health enough to put any effort into reversing any of the issues. They have become too content in just popping the medications prescribed to them; mind you they both take anywhere from 10-12 different prescribed pills a day. That a home they have a mortgage on and live in is falling apart in aspects and once they are gone that when myself, and my siblings are responsible for trying to sell it it would require major repairs to be sellable. Then it just irritate me that they have let my sister and her kids just make their home a dumping zone for their items that they have a basement crowded with junk and a garage the same. I've spent money on a large dumpster to be delivered that I filled and had hauled away and disposed of to just get rid of some of the stuff to clean/clear out some space to be livable. I give my parents money every month for me being at their home; this way I know I am not just living off them. And that is why I don't mind giving a hand around the house; but to be doing it all at 90% is a bit stressful. I'm exhausted always. Gained about 15lbs as I never have time to workout; at home or go to the gym. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't like who is looking back at me. Especially when facebook is great to remind of us of past year post and I see a vibrant and smiling person in those pictures. But how do you walk away from your parents when their health is ailing and they do need help? They are just not even trying to maintain any of the efforts I put in with my time and money. I am finding myself on edge more and just burnt out to the max.