Family Differences

I've always wondered where do I start when it comes to sharing myself and just exactly what is going on. I hesitate at times as I start to feel by sharing my frustrations I may start to sound ungrateful or that I should feel more appreciative of having family. Yet, we always hear and see the statement about even our family can be toxic to us. My family can have it's great moments; where they will help each other out - but it does seem that a few use it to showcase to others that they are good people and that they do so much for others. But more often than not it has been that my family takes advantage of each other; or I feel of my good will nature as I have always been the one to go and help. I have complete knowledge of doing this and do find myself stuck in doing this even when I tell myself I shouldn't. Just as I have the knowledge I have fallen in the trap from being made to feel guilty at as a teenager by my mother for wanting to be my own person and wanting to know my real father better.

Most of my life I have lived in the shadow of my twin brother as he was always fully focused on school; though I did pretty well in school myself, but he was always more reserved in his behavior. I was shy as a teenager in a sense until you started to ridicule others or try to tarnish my reputation at which time then I would be very outspoken and loud. I grew up also with my mother always focusing on my looks and wanting to conform me to what she felt was right for me. That would range from how she thought I needed to dress, putting me in pageants (I hated them with a passion), picking my talent that would have me being provocative, to even always trying to set me up with guys she wanted me to be with. Let's not mention how she even tried to marry me off multiple times from the age of 16 to 20.

Living in the shadow of my brother has been from making sure what he needed as a teenager to become what he wanted was a focus and even to now he is always spoken of as always doing the right thing and never has disappointed the family. Though he is the one who rarely comes home for a visit. Doesn't proactively contact family for holiday's/birthday's and is very judgmental towards us all and our actions. Yet he is the one herald as a saint and hero for who he is.

I want to open a forum for myself to share my life; call it my free therapy as just being able to release all this built of resentment as most might call it, or as I can call it disappointment. There has been an endless loop of where I helped my family and it just hasn't ever been appreciated in the way I've had friends say it should be and that I need to always stop being there for everyone. These are friends who don't ask me for favors or help as they know it's not fair to ask me already when they watch me do alot for my family and give chances to people because I want to be a person who can try to see the best in people and know we makes mistakes. Then I just feel trapped in a sense to always keep helping family as its always said our family is our family and they are who we have and to be there for them. I am learning I need to step back however as it's drained me that I have missed out on opportunities that likely would have advanced me further than I am now and I would have more peace in my life. I wouldn't feel so financially drained also.

This helping my family always rolled over into my relationships for awhile as I got into the role of always helping and accepting let downs that it allowed me to accept relationships that were not healthy. Staying in the several relationships like this or going back to the person kept me in a cycle of letting myself down to not be able to become more and go for what I really wanted at times. I also felt I needed to be in a relationship as it made my mother happy especially if it looked like it could lead to marriage.

My discussions will just help me release all what I have in my head and stay on the path I am embarking to focus fully on me and my daughter. I want her to be surrounded by healthy relationships and an environment that will promote her to be who she wants to be and not feel tied to always be a helper so that she can find her own peace in life. And then I will even throw in discussions from some of my travels I was afforded during a time in my life and adventures as a contractor. I hope all will enjoy my journey in sharing my life.