What Can Parents Do When Grandparents Get Too Involved in Raising Their Children?

What can parents do when grandparents become overly involved in raising their children? For the child, having loving grandparents, present and involved in his life is a positive thing; for parents, however, it can sometimes be extremely irritating and stressful.

This is because there is a boundary between loving grandparents who get involved in wanting to lend a helping hand and invasive grandparents, who get overly involved in wanting to control issues related to parenting, care, child discipline.

Some parents are somewhat irritated by grandparents' involvement in the child's life for the simple fact that they do not like their in-laws or parents and therefore prefer that they keep their distance. This is an unfair situation for grandparents, who just want to see their grandchildren and spend time with them.

It is the parents' fault when they separate their grandparents from their grandchildren just because there is a certain cold or a conflict in their relationship with their grandparents. Grandparents must be present in the child's life, and parents must distinguish between their relationship with them and their children's relationship with them.

Sometimes, however, parents are irritated by grandparents' involvement because this involvement exceeds tolerable limits, becomes excessive, invasive, grandparents attributing too many rights and violating parental authority.

Grandparents who get involved without being asked to raise and discipline their child, who consider it their "duty" to guide their parents, give them a piece of their wisdom, advise them and tell them how to raise their child, are difficult. tolerable.

What does it mean that grandparents are overly involved in raising and disciplining the child?

Grandparents undermine the authority of the parents, ignoring the opinions, requests, rules imposed by the child's parents. A common situation: the child is not allowed, for example, to eat sweets before meals, but his grandparents allow him; seems like a small, unimportant thing.

But in this way, the rule imposed by the parent is set aside, and the child learns that he can avoid rules if he asks permission from his grandparents! And when this situation is very common, the grandparents not taking into account the rules established by the parents in raising and disciplining the child, the parental authority is threatened.

Grandparents are the "good ones" who allow the child almost anything, and the parents are the "bad guys" who do not allow him to do anything! A situation that arises from the first: is when grandparents ignore the rules of the parents and allow the child to do what he wants.

From here, things get trickier, and this is where the true love for children comes in! and grandparents can afford to ignore it

the rules because, after all, they will not stay in the house with the child every day, you have to discipline him and make him behave properly!

Grandparents can make their own decisions about child care and discipline. What is natural is to irritate and frustrate the parents - in this situation, the grandparents exceed their duties they have no right to make their own decisions about the child, especially if they do not initially ask the parents.

Some grandparents make his schedule, buy him things, take him to various activities, dress him up and arrange them as they want, all without asking his parents in advance!

Grandparents may be too present in the family. The importance of a large family cannot be forgotten, especially for the child, being beneficial to have his grandparents present and with him. But sometimes grandparents can be too present, coming home a few days and calling every day to "check" how things are.

And their presence is not exactly discreet: they can often be invasive, roaming the house, cleaning as they know how, criticizing in the form of benevolent advice, intervening in the care and discipline of the child without being asked… And parents can feel helpless: how to tell them not to stick their noses in if they want to help (although this help is not always the one asked for, wanted, and liked)…

Grandparents who think they know best can make their parents feel irritated and threatened. Based on their experience and the wisdom of their age, grandparents believe that they know better what to do in child care and discipline than their parents.

Sometimes it is true, grandparents are a valuable help when parents have their first baby. But this "I know best" attitude can go on and on and so on etc.

What can parents do when grandparents become overly involved in raising their children?

There is no other solution to change the situation, to make them understand that their presence is welcome as long as some limits are respected than to be told this! Direct, clear, and polite! Yes, it is difficult, because they are your parents or your partner - but you do not have to accept the continuation of this situation, waiting for them to realize for themselves that they are invasive: they will not do it if they are not told!

Grandparents sometimes behave as if the child were their own. it must be made clear to them that there are limits to their presence and involvement; it must be made clear to them that sometimes they invade the privacy of the parents and undermine their authority over the child; it must be made clear to them that their experience and knowledge are valuable, but that if you need help you will ask for it; it must be made clear to them that they will always be welcome, but with these limits; they must be told directly as soon as they say or do something that their parents do not want to accept.