Toxicity

For many years, I've never realized the meaning of living in a toxic household until I've seen many people on the YouTube platform explain it. I used to think I was living in a household, that was loving and caring and certain things they have said, was to just toughen me up. However, as I grew older, and actually paid close attention to the signs, I've realized that's not how a family is supposed to talk to their family members. Of course, I know we have to learn things differently because of our background, as black individuals in a black community. The issue with that is, that is why there are so many problems when it comes to family support. There are many things I was forced to withhold from certain family members because of their "views", which sucks because I always want to be open about a lot of things without feeling like I would be completely judged.

Many days I have cried because, before even saying I was in a certain situation personally, we would see those same situations on television. The comments they would make would push me further back in a void, that scares me to even be open. I know the way my family sees things is solely by how they were raised or how they perceive the world. I guess I was the different one, who just was open to everything and everyone no matter who they were. Now, there were obviously family members that were very supportive and I am very grateful for them, however, it just shouldn't be a norm for the family to turn on you because of what your beliefs are (unless they are truly hurting others, or is just 100% illogical). I'm just not for the comments and disowning your own family because they are the "simple" family that they're used to.

I have grown up not having a relationship with a huge load of my family members, which is sad, yes, but I learned a lot from this experience. I have learned that even though they haven't been in your life, they feel like you owe them something. Which is completely crazy to me. I've never understood that really. However, you learn to be more independent and level-headed. It's one of those situations where you DO have to be the bigger person. For your own sake, take that load off of you. It's not your fault that they didn't want to be around. It is not your fault that they don't see what they've done wrong and how they've hurt you. You just make it known that they are not for you. They are not in your future for a reason. You have to find peace within yourself.

There is such thing as mental and emotional abuse. There is such thing as young adults and teenagers, having depression and anxiety. What's not okay, is people trying to justify why they treat their family the way they do, no excuse why people don't believe it's possible for someone younger than them to feel mentally abused. That's what happened to me. I was told, "You have no reason to be depressed. You have nothing to worry about - like bills". Which is hurtful. Almost like, I'm just supposed to sit here and look pretty, no feelings or anything. -- There is so much more that has happened in my life, but I just want you to know, whoever is reading this, and need to hear this -- there are people who understand. There are people who wish they could speak with you, tell you what to do, support you until you're in a better space. I have lost friends, gained friends, and people who have stuck around through the hard times. It's just the way of life. Some people are only here for a season, while others are here for a lifetime.