Top of the World

I woke up to the earthy, woody smell of our bahay-kubo—a small house made out of bamboo and nipa leaves. My back feels sore from lying flat on the cold, hard bamboo floor, but I have never felt better in ages. I heard a quiet tap, like a stone falling on a wooden floor at a short distance, followed by a voice saying, “check, your turn.” I knitted my brow then looked up. There’s a person sitting in front of me; it was my grandfather. How did I just wake up lying down and now sitting up playing chess with my grandfather? I hear a song playing on my grandfather’s old stereo, a stereo so old it only plays cassette tapes, but the sound was so muffled I could barely hear the song. Although the sound was barely audible, my thoughts were already telling me what the song is. It was my grandfather’s favorite song, “Top of the World” by the Carpenters.

I looked back at my grandfather and now he was lying flat on his back while reading a Reader’s digest magazine. The smell of musty old books lingered with the smell of freshly watered flowers inside the nipa hut. I looked outside the nipa hut and saw my grandmother holding a hose, watering her orchids and roses. The smell of morning air and wet earth made me so relaxed and so blissful; it reminded me of home. I turned my attention back inside and saw a pile of old books, they are my grandfather’s most prized possession. He collects a lot of books and have a huge wooden closet filled with books and magazines of varying content. I got my addiction of reading and collecting books from him. I took an old book, opened it, put my nose in and took a whiff. The smell was old and musty—my favorite aroma. I sat down and started reading. I couldn’t read. The paper was blank, or it was blurry.

I blinked my sleepy, tired eyes. I can feel the soft sheets on my skin. I smell… nothing, only dry air. I tried going back to sleep. I hate getting up. If only responsibilities did not exist. If only bills did not matter. If only work is not a priority. If only I don’t have school to worry about. If only people I hate did not exist. If only people around me doesn’t expect too much from me. If only I did not exist. If only the world could end right now.

I got out of bed unwillingly, it did not even matter if I fix the bed or not. My life is just a boring repetition of events: sleep; wake up; go to school; go to work; study; sleep. I am a walking robot. I don’t even feel like existing anymore. My life is not as bad as most lives are, it's just my resilience got drained to almost empty. I am not suicidal, well, at least not yet.

Living in a third world country, migrating to a first world country is usually considered a turning point in one’s life. Most people would consider it ‘lucky’ or ‘blessed’. My parents finally got what a lot of people from my country are wishing for. We migrated to Canada. It was a turning point for me, but not in a good way. In exchange for my migrating to another country, I stopped going to school during my last year in university; I was supposed to be graduating.

Arriving at a foreign country, I started back at base one as a first-year university student, with no friends, within a new culture, with no emotional support, and with a lot of burden. I left the people I loved, especially my grandparents. I am not doing well at my new school and I kept on degrading myself. My will got buried under rocks of self-shaming, expectations, comparisons, time-pressure, responsibilities, and loneliness. I was once a proud person. I was once a person who did not understand depression and anxiety. I am still not suicidal, at least not yet.

I made myself some instant coffee and sat on the table, my laptop in front of me. I looked at my busy schedule and the list of must-dos. I sighed heavily. I am already tired; I just woke up. I laid my head on my hands, and I started to break down. I need to study for an exam, and I have a lot of homework to finish. I have to ask for a day off. No, I need money to pay my rent, my car, my food, my phone bills, and give a little bit to my parents. My head started throbbing and my eyes feel so hot. I am breaking down. I reached for my phone and went straight to google. I searched for my song. I typed the first word and the history popped out; my song is first on the list. I played the first video available. I should have just used spotify, but in my state, thinking straight was not even possible.

"Top of the World" by Carpenters started playing.

I calmed down a bit. The jolly country music made my nerves loosen a little. I lightly tapped my face using both of my hands while encouraging myself to stop thinking negatively. I breathe in and out very slowly while the music brought me back to my joyous past. It was not the song’s beat nor the lyrics that made me calm. It was the memory that comes with it. I always believed that senses brings about nostalgia.

"Top of the World" is a song that I grew up in. It’s what I consider my childhood song. It’s a song that connects me to my grandparents, specifically my grandfather. They were the most loving, most supportive, and most caring grandparents ever.

Growing up, I was raised by my grandparents while my parents worked. My father worked outside the country and my mother worked night shifts--away at night, asleep during the day. I met my father at the age of 7, and at first, I always thought my mother was my big sister. I grew up believing that I was the youngest child of my grandparents. I was in fact their very first grandkid; the child of their first daughter. I was spoiled, thoroughly, by my grandparents.

I sip my coffee and continued checking my schedule while arranging the to do list in a manner where I placed the important ones on my priority list. The coffee suddenly tasted good to me, like it did before when I drink coffee for pleasure and not because I need caffeine. I vividly remember the day when my grandparents are debating about my coffee intake at a very young age. Every morning, at exactly 6 am, my grandpa wakes up and plays his favorite cassette tape of the Carpenters on his old cassette player. My grandma also wakes up and prepares our breakfast, which consists of coffee, fried saba (a specie of banana), and my grandpa’s special fried rice (fried left-over rice seasoned with salt). While grandma prepares breakfast, grandpa and I danced to the upbeat music of “Top of The World”. I was a kid back then, and I was my grandpa’s favorite person. The smell of coffee and fried saba starts my everyday morning. I sometimes get envious of their coffee, while I always get hot milk or hot chocolate. I went to my grandpa’s seat and asked if I could have fried rice dipped in coffee. He happily consented. My grandpa agreeing with my drinking coffee started their debate, which I did not understand back then, but now I find it amusing.

“Top of the World” by Carpenters was my secret theme song. It’s a song that connects me to my grandparents. I made it ‘my’ song when I was a kid. As time passed by and as I aged, I basically learned how to play the cassette player. I played the song every day.

As I grow old, I stopped listening to the song. I went to a far away university, made new friends, and completely forgot about the song that made my childhood special. I changed. I became a grown up. It did not change my closeness to my grandparents though. I just stopped being their baby.

At the time of my 18th birthday, came the time that the song made sense to me. Why was my grandpa keeps on playing that song when I was young? Why do we always dance whenever that specific song played?

Days before my birthday, I insisted that there would be no birthday celebration. I asked them if we could just go to the beach with the whole family and have a very simple celebration. They were disappointed, but they agreed, nonetheless. They still hosted a small celebration on that day with just the family and some close friends invited.

On the night of my 18th birthday, the party was heating up with the ladies drinking wine while singing joyously on the karaoke. The guys on the other hand was having deep conversations about politics and serious matters, despite being drunk. I, on the other hand, was playing chess with my grandfather inside our nipa hut. It was peaceful, despite the loudness of the people enjoying the party. All I could here were the sounds made by crickets and cicadas around my grandma’s garden. It was a cold night, but it was not chilly; it was relaxing.

When some of my friends back in high school joined the party, I and my grandpa stopped playing and separated ways. He joined the group of drunk guys, even though he does not drink. Me and my friends were left inside the nipa hut, catching up with what was happening with their college lives.

As the night went deeper, I got surprised when my grandmother, who’s not usually drinking alcohol, started announcing her speech over the microphone. In an intoxicated voice, she said, “Hey, my first grandkid, do you have any idea how sad your grandfather is?”

I was so embarrassed; I could not move from where I was seated. A few of my friends pulled me out of the nipa hut, telling me to respect my grandmother’s words despite it being humiliating.

My grandma continued, “when you were still a baby, your grandpa always danced with you. He was so excited to teach you how to dance. He was always saying repeatedly, like a broken record, that he will be your first dance when you turn 18.”

My grandma shot a glance towards my grandpa who was just laughing with the people around us.

“I will just remind you how much your grandfather and I cherishes and loves you.”

My grandmother went in front of the karaoke and slowly punched in some numbers. The intro of the song started playing, and I instantly recognized the song on its very first beat.

“When you were a baby, your grandpa would always sing this to you. While sitting on his rocking chair, and you at his lap, he sings this song while you danced and laughed. He did not tell me anything, but I knew from the very song what it meant. You did not understand back then because you were still a baby, but now that you’re old enough, I think you would understand.

The lyrics of the song started showing up and my drunk grandmother started singing. She wasn’t a very good singer, but the people around her enjoyed her performance and even clapped to the beat of the song.

Me and my grandfather didn’t have the chance to dance. I wasn’t able to fulfil his 18 years wish, but his message, through my grandmother’s embarrassing speech, got through to me.

Such a feelin's comin' over me

There is wonder in 'most every thing I see

Not a cloud in the sky, got the sun in my eyes

And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Everything I want the world to be

Is now comin' true especially for me

And the reason is clear, it's because you are here

You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around

Your love's put me at the top of the world

Somethin' in the wind has learned my name

And it's tellin' me that things are not the same

In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze

There's a pleasin' sense of happiness for me

There is only one wish on my mind

When this day is through I hope that I will find

That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me

All I need will be mine if you are here

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around

Your love's put me at the top of the world

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation

And the only explanation I can find

Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around

Your love's put me at the top of the world

I always thought this song was for couples, or maybe it is, but I don’t see it that way. This song told me that my very existence is important. My existence means my grandfather’s happiness.

This song is my relief. This song keeps me going whenever I think unhappy thoughts. My only regret is that I did not give my grandfather or my father the chance to dance with me. No, in fact, I regret not able to have a chance to dance with such great people.

I wasn’t able to fulfil my grandfather’s 18 years wish, and I don’t have the right to take away the very life that takes him on top of the world.

My love takes him on top of the world, and he is also the reason why I keep climbing. I don’t want to walk back down, I also want to be on top.

Up until now, even though we're a thousand miles apart, they still encourages me, they lift my spirit up, asks me to never change, and always remind me they love me.

They are my salvation. This song is my salvation.