To My Village

To My Village,

As a sober mom of toddler twins, it is no lie that it actually does take a village. I am lucky that my village is strong and full of loved ones. I also still struggle asking for help. I feel like I should be able to do everything on my own and feel guilty if I cannot. I feel like it should be easy to open the door pushing a massive wagon filled with two toddlers, snacks, juice boxes, and a hefty diaper backpack on my back. I feel like I should not expect strangers to stare at me in awe and say “wow, you are a Rockstar- you have your hands full.” When they say that, I feel like I have to justify it, downplay it, and say “no not really.” When in reality, fuck yes! I am a Rockstar. I deserve to be praised and helped. I deserve to have the doors opened for me and to have people demanding I take them up on watching the kids for an hour while I can nap. Yet, it is still like pulling nails to say “yes, please…I need the help.” Why? Why is this such a struggle for moms everywhere to accept help. We are all Rockstars, yet we need help. We know we can do this on our own. We have proved it time and time again. But why should we?

So here I go. Here is my cry for help.

To My Husband,

You are also a Rockstar. You work all day and come home for the time of day where we are all tired, and sometimes melting down. On weekends, you love taking the babies out for ice-cream or smoothies, and spending time with them. But I still need help. I am not nagging you when I ask for tiny things to be done. You see me when I am exhausted; I’ve been with the babies all day, or I’ve been working at my job all day. I am not ignoring the kids all the time. You simply see me on my phone when you walk in because this is the first time I have been able to find my phone all day. Although you may not think so, I am a present mother.

When I ask you to help put the bag of dog food away, I need you to do it. It is too heavy for me, and I have spent the day carrying around two bags of potatoes, chasing them back and forth no stop throughout the entire house. I have wiped their butts and gone through three outfits as they scream at me and squirm away, making it nearly impossible to change them. I have gone into the bathroom and cried, while they are on the other side banging on the door yelling and screaming at me to let them in. I have taken them on a walk with the dog, babbling and pointing at things, trying to use our words. I have driven them to music class, to the playground, to the dog park, to run errands. I have planned snack time around nap times and made sure they were fed and clean.

I need you to help with the most mind numbingly boring things like folding laundry, putting dishes away, picking up shoes, and fixing the light bulbs that have gone out. When there is a folded basket of laundry sitting on the floor, put it the fuck away. It is not sitting here because I enjoy looking at it. It is sitting here because I haven’t had a moment to put it away. Usually it has been folded at least twice because the babies like to throw it all over the place. Do not walk past it like it does not exist. These are things that I can do myself, you say. I know that. But I am busy keeping our children alive all damn day, and I am tired.

You wonder why I do not initiate intimate times at night. I cannot fathom the idea of spending any more energy on anyone else, let alone myself by the time the babies are bathed and in bed. I do not want to be sexual right now. It does not mean I don’t love you, appreciate you, or find you attractive. I do; I just need to do this another time. I need you to help me find time during the day, in the morning, or when the babies are napping on the weekend for this. I cannot do it at the end of the day. Help me by initiating it too; I cannot initiate all of the things. I love you, but I need you to help with this too.

To the Grandparents and Nanny,

You are absolutely amazing, and we love the support and help you provide to us. The babies light up when they see you, and they always cry when you leave. You’ve been there for us, sometimes for overnight stays and often when we needed it in the first newborn months, especially when we were dealing with hospital stays. You have gone above and beyond with your kindness and support.

You are like therapists; I talk to you about things because I know you have already done this; you are already pros. I need help understanding certain things and how to parent, but I need it without judgement. I do not need you to tell me how easy some things are or how you would do it differently. I need you to know that I know what I am doing, and to not push your own ways of how you did it on me. I need to learn how to parent in my own way, and I cannot do this thinking you expect me to do it your way.

I need help with reminders. I have the worst mom brain. I can’t remember who I asked to help on any given day and where we will be. I need patience with scheduling and reminders of what I told you, even if I told you a couple hours ago. If I forget things, help me gently, without judgement. You’ve been here, and you know how hard it is to juggle everything. This is new to me; you have done it for 35 years.

Most of all, I need you to know I love you, even if I forget to say it. I appreciate you, and I am not taking you for granted.

To My Siblings and Friends,

I have not forgotten about you. You are still important to me, and I still love you. Now that I have twins, I do forget to respond to texts. I don’t remember conversations I have anymore. I need help planning things, and I want you to initiate it. I miss hanging out with you too, but I don’t have the capacity to do it all. If it feels like I am distant, don’t take it personally. I have a lot going on, and I simply have not found the time to reach out. If I don’t do something the exact second that I think of it these days, I usually forget.

Help me remember to take time with you away from the babies. I get so wrapped up in my kids that I forget about us and what we used to do. Schedule something and tell me where to meet you. I will make it work, but I need help getting there.

If you don’t have kids, I’m still cool, I promise. If you do have kids, you already know what I am talking about.

I know some of this seems so easy, so menial. But it’s not to me. It is important to me. I don’t like asking for help; I feel vulnerable and scared. The biggest thing is initiating it, being patient, and helping me get to where I need to be knowing I love you every step of the way.

Ellen is a 35 year old Colorado native who is celebrating over 3.5 years of sobriety and the proud mother of twins. She lives with her family of 4 in Colorado Springs, CO and currently works as an Ethics and Compliance Analyst for a well known defense contractor. Ellen loves animals, especially her dog Diego, as well as the multitude of outdoor activities Colorado has to offer and is very passionate about the French language. When not working or engaging in the joys of raising twins, she enjoys being a wellness influencer on many different social media platforms to anyone struggling with addiction or infertility. Ellen can be found at @itsellenelizabeth on Instagram & Facebook and is here to support anyone struggling now, anyone who is in recovery, or family members of those struggling.