to a mom without reason

My mother made many mistakes. Whew, glad that's off my chest. Now, lets get to the good stuff.

My mother passed away in 2018, leaving me, a recent highschool graduate, on their own to try to figure out the world. Having not lived with my father in over 10 years of my life, I certainly felt alone.

Trying to figure out how to live without her proved to be a daunting task, especially considering I slept in her bed until I was 9 years old. Having nobody to comfort me in my darkest moments, and nobody to make sure I laid my head somewhere safe that night, it felt like the whole world was against me.

Until, that is, I found the mom within myself.

Something very important my mom always let me in on, is that it isn't right to need a man. But it's alright to want one. I had to use that logic elsewhere. It's alright to want my mom back, but it wasn't okay to need her because I could do it myself.

She didn't always know how to be a mom, but she was only one I had. She wasn't abusing drugs and she didn't bring strange men home but she did start fights and refuse to console me when I smashed my head off of porcelain and called her crying.

She wasn't always there for me, but her absence showed that I had stuff to be grateful for.

Did you know we have to cook food for ourselves every single day?

I certainly was made aware!

Some things my mom taught me were to be kind, even if she was a fucking toad to me

she was quick to let me know that I in fact was the flawed one when it came to having an opinion.

To be a mom, isn't always easy, but to be a good mom has proven itself to be a bit more complicated so it seems.

My mom taught me some very flawed ways of thinking, such as those that love you will pick fights with you then tell everybody it was your fault.

But she also taught me something else, and that was to become self aware before having children.

She taught me through her mistakes to not try to make my kids friends like me more than my actual kid.

To give affection because you love your loved ones and not because you want to use them as emotional support.

To not let a TV be your babysitter.

To go to fucking therapy before you have kids so you don't abuse them by accident. Or on purpose.

To take out life insurance.

To create a stable home life so they don't become bad people fueled by fear.

And most of all, how to make a damn good broccoli chicken casserole when your kid is feeling sick and it's their favourite,

how to drive 20 minutes to dairy queen on only the third time they asked because they had a rough day,

how to make really nice hot lemonade out of lemons and honey with hot water when their throat is sore,

and how to be there whenever they need

and to pay their phone bill long after they've needed you to, and even when they make more money than you.

to give and give,

even if I do have childhood to trauma now,

theres little things that will let me know what i'm missing.

and sometimes you gotta learn that it's the little things that matter.

even if it feels like you can only be a good person after being away from them, it's good to know what comfort is sometimes.

and sometimes thats all we need.

and a snack.

the end