Itemized

“Alright then, I’ll leave you now to discuss things as a family. I’ll be right outside when you’re ready to talk through our next steps together.”

”Thank you.”

”They can’t be serious, right? I mean, I knew this entire industry was a total scam but I didn’t expect to be robbed in broad daylight.”

”Mike, it is what it is. It’s not like we could have just left him in the hospital room or dumped him at the landfill. We don’t get to shop this stuff around. Besides, you’re the one who chose the most expensive designer urn.”

”Hey, you and I both thought it was giving Versace and that he would fucking live for it. It was either that or the Iowa State Cyclones one.”

”Good lord, who would ever.”

”Depending on the day, dad might have. He really loved them, you know.”

”Yeah, I know. Thankfully he’s not making decisions for himself anymore.”

”Can you believe this guy tried to get us to buy the full-on Cadillac of caskets too? He’s only going to be in it for maybe ten seconds before they light up the incinerator. Burning money.”

“What the fuck Mike, can you not? He’s still our Dad.”

”Sorry, Ella.”

”Guys, can we focus for just like 5 min-“

”I need a mini urn to take some of the ashes, I’m going to turn Dad into a diamond.”

”What?? Is that a thing??”

”Yeah, it is Mike. Dad and I joked about it once. It was only like three months ago, at my graduation party.”

”Can’t you just put them in a plastic bag or something and save us the five hundred bucks? Cause it’s not coming out of my share of the-“

”OH MY GOD MIKE I am not putting Dad in a Ziploc! Ben, I have to have this diamond, Dad would want it this way.”

”Guys, please. Ella, yes, you can have your ashes. Mike, we really don’t have that much left to go through and I’d really like to get through this before Grandpa gets here.”

”WHAT! Why is he coming? Oh god, you didn’t invite HER did you? Ben, I told you I wouldn’t do any of this if SHE was going to be here. How could you do this to me?”

”Mike, the man lost his son. I know we haven’t seen eye to eye through everything, but he’s family.”

“Fine. As long as SHE doesn’t come.”

“Jane couldn’t come anyway, she’s dealing with the kids, who just lost their father too, by the way. And they’re only six and seven years old...”

“They didn’t even really get to say goodbye...”

“Mike, we have to try and include everyone in this process or it’s going to get really messy. This is only the beginning.”

”Well Dad should have thought of that before he screwed everything up.”

”How, Mike, by dying??”

”Shut UP, Ella!”

”Knock knock! I’m so sorry to interrupt- there’s a gentleman here to see you. Shall I show him in?”

“Fine, but I’m not staying more than ten minutes in the same room as that asshole”

”Mike, come on. Yes, sorry sir, please bring him in. I think we’re good with everything on the itemized list, what’s left to cover? We’re all pretty exhausted and-“

”Hello, John.”

“Hi, Grandpa”

“Ben. Mike. Ella. It’s…good to see you.”

”…”

”Please, have a seat. The last item is the obituary, then we can send you on your way. Now, Ben shared this draft with me last night. Give it a once over and I’ll have it published in the Register in the morning.”

“Looks good to me.”

”Yeah, it’s fine, can we go now?”

”Dad would have loved it.”

“Ahem, well, this all looks right but there’s a mistake, my wife Ronnie isn’t named in the-“

”Fuck that. Her name is absolutely not going in. She hated his guts and she’s glad he’s dead. I won’t let you do it.”

“MIKE!”

”Grandpa, I’m so sorry. Listen, everyone, can we just turn down the temperature a bit here, we’re almost-.”

“No. No fucking way. She stays out of the obituary. Ben, I swear to god.”

”Okay, fine, Jesus, Mike. Grandpa, we have to leave the obituary as it is. Tell Ronnie I’m sorry. Blame it on the paper if she sees it and gets upset.”

”Fine.”

“Okay?”

”Fine. We’re never going to see her again after the funeral anyway.”

”…so everyone’s good with the draft as it is then?”

“…”

”I’ll take that as a yes. Alright then, everything’s in order, here’s the final invoice. The last things I’ll need before the service next week are your photos for the memorial slideshow. You can email-“

“Ben, Mom said our family has to have more photos than her family because Mom was married to him longer.”

”How would that even work, Mike? I’d have to-”

”I was the only one who was part of both families! How many photos can I be in?”

”Ella, nobody’s going to police the slideshow photos.”

”Mom’s going to be so mad at you.”

”Well, Mike, she can just add this to the list of crimes I’ve committed against her this week.”

“...”

”I…don’t mean to rush you, but I do have to tend to another matter at our West location and must be going. Thank you again for trusting us during this delicate time. My assistant, Josie, can show you out.”

“Thank you. I’m so sorry for all of this. We’ll get you the photos.”

“Yeah, thanks or whatever.”

”Thank you sir.”

“Thanks.”

”So, what now? Lunch?”