The Silent Depression

Gosh, I just don’t know the best way to tackle this one. I’ve thought about not even putting these thoughts to paper because I don’t want to offend. I don’t want to discourage. I don’t want to shed darkness on something that can truly be so blazing with joy.

Then I realized that, pregnancy doesn’t just encompass those who have actually experienced birth. It doesn’t just involve those who have children. It involves the entire process from, thinking, to wanting, to hoping, and to having. It is every woman who even has a thought about becoming a mother. It involves the warriors who never stop trying. It involves the losses. It involves the rainbows after the storms, and every single woman and baby in between.

A mother is someone who endures that unconditional love from the very first thought to conceive, to conception, to birth, and then to life. A mother is someone who longs for a precious life to raise, no matter how long it takes. A mother adopts. A mother protects. A mother prays for her baby, unborn and born. A mother hopes and yearns for life inside of her. A mother is someone who just has the niche for unconditioned love and she’s brave in her fight for it.

A mother is someone who does. All. That. She. Can.

Motherhood and pregnancy are just so intense in every way. No matter your journey, it’ll change you forever.

Perinatal depression hit me like a semi truck going 100mph on a freeway. Once week 6 of the pregnancy commenced, I completely shut down. This happened with my second daughter, and now in my third pregnancy. It’s like a freight train coming at you with no plan to stop, yet it’s in slow motion. Everything seems… still. Your life, your parenting… it just seems to drag as you dread.

Suddenly the only thing you want to do is sleep. Your bed or the couch become more inviting than your own soul and you just feel out of control, but in no hurry. You battle with possibly knowing you need medication and being so uncomfortable with the idea that you worry your worries. You save face for most people, but your husband and kids and mom, they know. You have to peel your self out of bed like an unripened banana and hope life will feel sweeter that day. It’s hard.

I never even knew that perinatal depression was a thing. Its depression that occurs during pregnancy, and places you at higher risk for post partum depression, too. You hear of post partum depression a lot, and not even that gets the spot light in conversation like it deserves. I never knew my pregnancies would feel so lonely and disconnected. I never knew it was even possible to be so sick with nausea and vomiting that you’d have to take an early leave at work with your first born, and then be so dependent on anti-nausea medication for the next two pregnancies. I just wasn’t prepared for it. Even now, 15 weeks in with my third, I just can’t understand it.

Depression is ironic because despite your true and utter distain for joy, you can’t help but crave it. Despite feeling mentally crippled to the sadness, all you want to do is move. Your kids might get extra screen time or microwaved chicken nuggets for awhile just because you are surviving and not thriving. Suddenly you still feel clean even after not showering for 2 days. It’s heavy and tiring, but it’s all so true.

I pray a lot to the Blessed Mother because how wonderful is her story. I can only imagine her pregnancy journey and her birth story. She is gentle and kind and I’m sure was up for any challenge, obviously. I ask for her strength a lot, and I pray for the peace within myself that I know she must have had when her eyes met Jesus for the first time.

All this to say. If you are feeling alone in your season of life right now, I am with you. If your expectations have caused disappointment and fear, I see you. If you feel like you just aren’t cut out for this journey of motherhood, I promise you are. If you are reading this while rocking your baby for the third time in the middle of the night, I’ve been there too. If you have experienced loss, my entire heart is with you, momma. If you’re hoping and praying, I’ll pray with you.

Here’s to us all… that we may find comfort in knowing that we are never facing any of this alone.

Em