The Broken Family

This topic has been one I have tried so hard to avoid. I've been soul searching a lot lately, just trying to find that sweet spot where I am content as I am right now, and rushing to find my purpose. I am learning that others can be drastically changed by our testimonies, and often times we experience small trials within the one that shook us the most. Sometimes the small ones are worth sharing, too.

I grew up with two amazing brothers. I have very fond memories of my childhood with them, and I don't think there will ever be a day that I don't look back on those moments and not feel warmth and that pure and innocent type of happiness. I remember just hanging out with them in their room as they played Nintendo, and barely having to force them to play barbies with me in my parent's room where the carpet was blue so that we could pretend we were at the beach. I remember watching them get ready for their proms and being so excited to get to mine one day. I remember reading the back of cereal boxes with them during our nighttime snack and playing a game with it that only we understood. I remember our Christmas mornings, waiting patiently for my dad to get home from night shift, and being so caught up in the moment that we were just all together and that was the best gift. Our beach and camping memories are too long to list, and I can still vividly remember the car rides to all of our special birthday dinners at a restaurant of our choice. Truly, these were some of the best moments of my life.

Recently I was able to visit the camp store where we used to camp growing up, and upon entering the store I noticed that not a thing had changed. The marshmallows and pizza sauce were sitting on the same shelf in the same place, and the fishing hooks still remained inside the glass counter. The ice cream was still scooped the same way, and the pizza warmer turned just as slowly as it did 22 years ago as you waited to check out. They still sold the Old Trapper Old Fashioned Double Eagle Beef Jerky chopped and formed into a circle that we used to rave over. The candy cigarettes, the little toys, it just all truly remained exactly as it was when I was 8 years old. I couldn't help but stop for a moment and just take it in. This true nostalgic feeling overwhelmed me, and it quieted the sadness from knowing that I have to visit one brother at his grave, and the other brother I can't visit at all. How surreal it was to be physically standing somewhere that has shown no adjustments, yet to know that my life has dramatically changed so much since then.

Growing up with siblings is funny. For me, there was never a time that I thought we wouldn't all be together, literally forever. I never thought I'd have to attend my big brother's funeral in eighth grade, or that my relationship with my other big brother would feel so strained now. I never thought that being in their presence would feel awkward, or that my kids wouldn't know theirs. If you would have told me 20 years ago this is where we'd all be, I probably would have laughed in your face.

I am learning as I go here that... families just aren't incapable of break ups. There is an exception to the rule that strong family units stay together forever. It's an odd realization though, truly... to know that the people who formed you into your very own being, the ones who you ate dinner with every night, made forts and tents with, and literally navigated childhood and adolescence with can just disappear in so many different ways. There is so much outside influence that hinders such a strong bond, and it's so scary, isn't it? We, as a society, a country, a world, have parents estranged from their children, children estranged from their parents. We have brothers and sisters who can't or won't make the efforts it takes to maintain the relationship. Marriages fall apart. We have cousins growing up not knowing their other cousins, and aunts and uncles who can't even remember the last time they saw their family. We miss funerals. We miss weddings. We miss final breaths. We miss final opportunities to make things right. It's just all so sad.

If I can encourage anyone right now, if you are walking in this season with me, just know you are not alone. If you feel like an only child when your genetics prove that you aren't, find the best of friends to love you for you who are, and they will meet you where you are at right now. If you feel like the world is caving in and all you want is your family back, just pray for the peace that you need to come to terms with however it all plays out. Don't sacrifice your happiness, your decisions, and your well-being to become victim to someone else's opinion of you, especially when they haven't been around to see how you got from there to here. It is so incredibly hard to love someone so much, and to also know that they don't serve your soul anymore. Don't let those precious memories of your childhood be tarnished by things that weren't even part of your circumstances back then. Find healing in the trauma in some way, and don't fight it alone.

My testimony is this: when the people you counted on most disappoint you, God will allow others to show up in a bigger way in your life. Your parents will become your pillar to help you stand through every situation. You will have friends that become family that you can count on, and even if they aren't your blood, they know your soul. He’ll send your honorary sister home from Alaska and New York just because he knows you need her and her family. He will place the best group of girls at your place of work just because they’ll be needed at the most pivotal moments in your life. He will make sure your best friend is your neighbor and your other one is only 2 blocks away for when your world comes crashing down… both times. He will mend a friendship that he knows you need for this current season of your life, and for everyone thereafter. Your significant other will overcome big struggles to save you from what could have been a very a hard life without him. Your babies will breathe life back into your bones, and you'll rise every day, even when it hurts. You'll find ways to cope and heal, and you'll meet community there, too.

“Eyes that see, ears that listen.” Wonderful things are happening all around us to keep us steadfast, we just need to allow ourselves to see it, hear it, and know it. We really just have to stop and see the goodness that has occurred in order to see us through the struggle and then someday we can let go of the hurt and start to simply hope that others find their way, too.